Published on 12, July, 2020
Whenever I have to speak in front of a group of people (e.g. work team meetings, but also less formal instances like someone asking me a question in a social group setting), I completely zone out. It's like I'm seeing nothing, my brain is not providing any information and I'm completely unaware of what my face is doing, what volume I'm speaking, how much time I'm speaking for etc.
The impact of this is that when I 'come back to the room' at the end of whatever thing I've just said, I can finally look at colleagues/whoever is in the group, but because I can't read their expressions either and there's always a moment of silence, it feels like I've just said the most weird and off-putting thing ever vocalized, even if when I analyze it later I'm fairly sure what I said was harmless (if not always the most organized, because of the way my brain circles ideas and never gets to the point). It kills any shred of competence I feel any time this happens, which sucks because I am good at doing my job, just not talking about it!
I don't know entirely what I'm asking here except that a) does anyone else experience this as I've described it and, if so, b) have you found any coping mechanism or accommodation to reduce the effect this has on you or help you focus in the moment?
I work remotely most of the time and feel so lucky that I've managed to find a job I can do, but every job always seems to require some degree of sharing in a group, even if it's just the excruciating weekly check-in, even if it's on zoom, and I can't hack it. I find one on one communication with people I don't know painfully awkward, but I don't (usually) disappear in my own head and lose all self-awareness in the same way unless I'm talking and making a point I'm getting really invested in, so I don't know why this happens.
When I was working sometimes there would be meetings where we would discuss the case in question and I had to do talking, explanations etc etc.. There was only ever several people present but it always felt like more, a lot more! I usually said only a few things, as little as possible worked best and then would hand the conversation to someone else which worked well.
Thank you. Yes, it always feels like so many people looking at me and it doesn't matter that I try to tell myself they're not paying as much attention as I think they are, because it feels like they're looking into my very soul.