Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
I told a friend this afternoon about my recent revelation of being autistic. I've known her for years, and I thought she'd be supportive, but she wasn't at all. She questioned why I'd want to have a label. And she also said "well we are all on the spectrum to a degree". I felt she was being distant, and almost dismissive. I tried to explain how this revelation has been positive and is very freeing for me. Our phone conversation has upset me. And I wonder if it's time to move on from this friendship. This isn't the first time she upset me in recent months.
Has anyone else had this experience? I'd like to hear your views.
I have been extremely disappointed by the reactions of those I know well. They just don’t want to know about it or accept it.
Is this because of their lack of awareness? Maybe it is because we are bad at communicating so we have trouble saying to them that is not ok. Telling them you need to read about this topic and inform yourself. I think it might be because we have trouble standing our ground. Maybe they are just bad people. I don't think so, there is a law along the lines of don't assume maliciousness when it can be explained by stupidity.
Then again, that still does not make it ok. If someone had a broken leg, I would assume people would be supportive maybe they just don't like the fact we are different and it is not easy to see. It is our fault we are the way we are. Not trying hard enough, to fit in and be palatable.
My parents are similar telling me it is just a label and I just need to fit in, it is not ok to just be me and not trying to inform themselves about it. I don't know how to talk about it so I just stay silent. It's not malicious I think they are trying to do what they think is the right thing which is what they have been taught. They have had to fit in.
I don't know.
I think your first response nailed it perfectly.
Some people are just ignorant and their knowledge of autism won't extend beyond a very surface level, limited understanding. That's potentially what's going on with Justbe's friend.
Thankfully, all the people I've told have reacted very well to it and have been very supportive. But then I specifically told people I knew would react in a constructive way.
Some people I just wouldn't tell as I feel they'd be confused and annoy me with their take. But they are people I've since largely moved on from anyway.
In later years and partly since I came out as gay long before I knew I was autistic, I’ve really become hardline and have zero tolerance for nor patience with haters, especially not from within the LGBT community, who should know better, where I have experienced massive prejudice and discrimation from within the LGBT community - ignorance of the issues is not an excuse for prejudice and discrimination, these people need to start educating themselves on diversity and difference in the year 2023
I wouldn't let one bad experience put you off. Maybe wait and see how she responds when you meet her, you might have caught her at a bad moment or something.
Generally, for me it's been very positive telling people.
The only time I'm wary is with people I know who are a bit blockheaded about this type of thing. That and employers. As businesses can get very weird about this type of thing.
That's nice. Yes. And absolutely.
Well that's great on a work front. But yeah, you're right with the charitable take on it. I guess some people will be just be very uncomfortable with it... guess that's why I only tell specific people (i.e. the nice, intelligent ones).
It really was lovely, wasn’t it. I need to have another chat with her and let her know how much I appreciated it.
And yes, the number one benefit of diagnosis is being more forgiving to ourselves. Still a lot to wrap our heads round though!
Amerantin (former member) said:(paraphrasing) “wow, no wonder you’ve been having such a hard time, you must be reassessing your whole life and figuring out who you are”. She then said I only had to tell her if something at work was too much and she’d work around it. And she’s kept her
How lovely was that
I've been assessing my whole life in less than a week. I'm exhausted. But I feel so much more relaxed. I'm happier. I can accept myself now, forgive myself, not be so hard on myself. And be myself
If I was going to be charitable I would say that people are just very uncomfortable about it because they don’t understand it and so they don’t know how to react.
But it’s disappointing that they couldn’t at least feign politeness.
Oddly, the only positive reaction I got was from a very senior colleague at work who I was inadvertently very blunt with about something. I made a mental note to seek her out later and explain but she came to me and I told her what was going on.
Her reaction was (paraphrasing) “wow, no wonder you’ve been having such a hard time, you must be reassessing your whole life and figuring out who you are”. She then said I only had to tell her if something at work was too much and she’d work around it. And she’s kept her word.
Thank you for your input. I told my friend because I thought she'd be okay about it. I hadn't planned to tell many people, and I won't because of possible said reaction or worse.
There are alot changes going on for me right now. All of them I see as positive, and I'm changing.
1. Autism revelation 2. Working though traumatic grief (which essentially has meant that I've survived the last 8 years, but I haven't lived). Something I've masked as well as the autism. But I'm now coming out the other side 3. The possibility of getting a really great job.
I sometimes wonder if the people around us get so used to our way of being, that when we start to change (even though it's for the better), they find it difficult.