Friends reaction

out_of_step said:

While it's nice for people around us to be aware of an explanation for certain things, it doesn't mean we need to be validated by them

I need to remember that. Thank you. 

Thank you for this. I instinctively felt that the best option is to be reserved around her.

Autumn_Trees said:

Maybe this is just a friend who you don't share that much of that side of your life with and that's okay? It might feel like you can't be your authentic self around them though and that might mean you naturally grow apart. And that may be no bad thing too. 

Whatever comes of it, down the line, just try and be at peace with it and try not to take it personally. This sounds like a 'them' issue

I really like this analogy. Thank you. 

The person I thought would have had the most understanding reaction turned out to be the opposite. I don't hold it against him and he's still a great friend. He does have "foot in mouth" disease anyway. Most people I've told haven't been bothered.  It makes sense because they are not able to understand what it's like or to have the realisation of something so fundamental. While it's nice for people around us to be aware of an explanation for certain things, it doesn't mean we need to be validated by them. 

Hi Justbe, 

When I got my diagnosis I had a feeling that most people would take it well but I have this one friend who, while we're very close, is always very dismissive of anything medical and I was hesitant about sharing it with her because I had a feeling I would get a similar response. 

I was pretty spot on - while she didn't outwardly deny/question my diagnosis, I could see she didn't take it seriously and she almost had to suppress herselt rolling her eyes. I agree, this is upsetting, but I future it's a bit of a numbers game. Not everyone is going to take the news well even if most do. 

Maybe this is just a friend who you don't share that much of that side of your life with and that's okay? It might feel like you can't be your authentic self around them though and that might mean you naturally grow apart. And that may be no bad thing too. 

Whatever comes of it, down the line, just try and be at peace with it and try not to take it personally. This sounds like a 'them' issue not yours.

Martin said:

many neurotypical people view an autism diagnosis as a stigmatic 'label', when most late-diagnosed adult autistics view it at a revelation.

Good point, well made.

It is strange that so many neurotypical people view an autism diagnosis as a stigmatic 'label', when most late-diagnosed adult autistics view it as a revelation. Perhaps you could make it more understandable to your friend by using a physical parallel. Tell them to imagine someone who had limped all their life, been unable to run or play any sports or physical games, without knowing why. Having absolutely no idea why they were as they were. Then they are given a diagnosis, they suddenly know why they have had problems walking and running, wouldn't that be a relief, wouldn't that be a very positive thing to discover?

Thank you all for your input, advice and links. It's much appreciated. I'm so glad that there is a safe place for me to  share. And that I am understood.

I received a message earlier from the friend I mentioned. She clearly has slept on what she said. And it bothered her enough to try and put things right. It wasn't an apology, but it is definitely a step in the right direction

Justbe said:

"well we are all on the spectrum to a degree".

This can be extremely frustrating phrase for an autistic person to hear. I include it on my  'how to make an autistic person angry in 10 words or less' list 

The person saying it might believe it is a way to empathise but to the autistic person it comes over as trivialising and dismissing our genuine life struggles. The autistic person hears it as "we all have those struggles but we just get on with it and don't make a fuss".

I think it is mainly down to a fundamental lack of understanding about what the autistic spectrum is. Many people wrongly think that it is linear when it is actually a spiky profile. The best explanation I have found is here:

https://the-art-of-autism.com/understanding-the-spectrum-a-comic-strip-explanation/

Buckle up!  Gurd up your loins!

If you do not expect others to understand how you are feeling, then this will be a less disappointing and upsetting time for you in this regard, namely "disclosing" YOUR reality to other people.

Generally people don't care and/or remain skeptical.

Fore warned, is fore armed..

Be well.

Number

To quote William Belli of Ru Paul’s Drag Race “Excuses are useless, complaining is draining” - even if your friend is ignorant of “unknown” and that they are “afraid of the unknown” that is still not an acceptable excuse in this day and age  - indeed not knowing that something was illegal is not a valid excuse as a defence in a court of law, so why should it be an acceptable excuse anywhere else? This is 2023, there is no excuse for not being educated enough in the internet age and to get up to speed quickly enough - your friend needs to grow up and start living in the real world for a change and needs to start accepting reality - as an older Irish gay man who has been on the gay scene a long time from an Irish Catholic background and has endured a lot of prejudice and discrimination from within the gay community from people who should know better, who was diagnosed later in life, I have become very hardline and I have zero tolerance and zero patience with and for such people, especially when they start “throwing shade” even from a place of ignorance 

In later years and partly since I came out as gay long before I knew I was autistic, I’ve really become hardline and have zero tolerance for nor patience with haters, especially not from within the LGBT community, who should know better, where I have experienced massive prejudice and discrimation from within the LGBT community - ignorance of the issues is not an excuse for prejudice and discrimination, these people need to start educating themselves on diversity and difference in the year 2023 

Both these and similar threads resonate with me as an older Irish gay man here in the U.K. who was diagnosed later in life at age 53 now and aside from the political issues, coming from an Irish Catholic background and coming out as gay in Rural Ireland in the 1980’s, I experienced much the same issues - we see much of the same discussions going on in LGBT circles where autism acceptance and understanding is not as it should be, in fact, despite the high numbers of LGBT people being autistic and autistic people being LGBT, the discrimination and prejudice from within the LGBT community against autistic people is off the scale, yet I also believe that we as autistic people can learn much from the struggles of the LGBT community to gain acceptance from wider society and including from within the LGBT community - personally, I cut all ties with the LGBT community 18 years ago because of the discrimination and prejudice that I encountered there, yet my autism even before my diagnosis, just as much as my being gay was accepted within traditional and Vatican II Catholic circles 

'No wonder you’ve been having such a hard time, you must be reassessing your whole life and figuring out who you are.” 

Such a simple thing to say, but so meaningful. One of my friends said something similar to me. I wish more people wold realise the impact an autism diagnosis can have in terms of identity and self-forgiveness. 

I don’t really tell many people, I’ve had the same response as you. The “we’re all a little bit autistic” thing is neurotypical people confusing human traits with autistic traits.  All of us can  experience a dislike of certain situations, textures or maybe something like noise. On their own they are just human traits, neurotypical people most probably don’t feel the severity of them in the way we can do. Some people think we are embarrassed when we tell them about our autism, some just have no understanding of autism and some think autistic people are only those with profound needs. Unfortunately along the way you will lose some people, I don’t take it personally, I just think I’m most probably better off without them. One thing a lot of autistic people do like is accuracy, someone making a generalised statement about autism does tend to annoy or invalidate us.

This short video explains it better than I can and is obviously only one view of “ we’re all a little bit autistic “

youtube.com/.../Lrmy1-oQMVM

People try to deal with things that they don’t and can’t understand by blocking their ears and going “lalalala”. Your friend is probably just afraid of the unknown and afraid because she can’t understand or contemplate how you could be autistic and what that might mean. It’s the unknown and people are afraid of the unknown. I highly doubt she reacted like that out of badness. I’m sure she thinks highly of you none the less. Maybe just give her time to process it.

I wouldn't let one bad experience put you off. Maybe wait and see how she responds when you meet her, you might have caught her at a bad moment or something. 

Generally, for me it's been very positive telling people. 

The only time I'm wary is with people I know who are a bit blockheaded about this type of thing. That and employers. As businesses can get very weird about this type of thing.

 That's nice. Yes. And absolutely. 

Well that's great on a work front. But yeah, you're right with the charitable take on it. I guess some people will be just be very uncomfortable with it... guess that's why I only tell specific people (i.e. the nice, intelligent ones).