Embarrassment

I think I may have identified the person you’re talking about. Thanks!

I'm actually less embarrassed about who I am and how I behave now that I've been diagnosed; I used to think I was the only one who did the weird things I do or got upset about things that were no big deal to others. I thought there was something wrong with me and that I was a uniquely flawed and awful person, and that my inability to understand why people thought I was selfish and unreasonable was just another sign that they were correct.

Now, I know that there are millions of people in the world who perceive the world and think about it like I do. I know why I am the way I am and that it's just another way of being a person. Frankly, if I tell someone and they react negatively, tough- I've done my share of managing people's feelings for them and making them feel uncomfortable at the expense of my own wellbeing, I don't need to waste any more time on people who are going to scoff at a legitimate part of my identity.

DM if you can and I'll send you his link. He's based in Paris but from America via Israel. 

Thanks. I’ll do some research. Seems like the best next step to me.

Hi Amerantin - how's it going? 

I just did a fair bit of googling around and searches, looking at reviews, looking at people's details eg. if we are from a similar culture, what their gender is (and if I will feel comfortable), what our time zones are like, etc. 

I instantly liked and clicked with the guy I used (I would post it here but I am scared I'll get in trouble for mods thinking I'm advertising! LOL) - personality wise, belief wise, etc. He is registered with a life coaching board but I think when it comes to this subject, qualifications for me are not crucial. The fact I can talk to someone who is, and has always been autistic, then has made knowing about it, talking about and advocating for it their lives work - they're good enough for me. 

He is also very generous with his time outside of sessions (eg, DM's on social, or whatsapps, etc) and seems to genuinely care about the people he coaches.

Hi Auturmn_Trees,

How did you find your coach? It’s something I’ve been considering instead of my therapist who is nice but can’t help. I’ve looked online and a lot of coaches look pretty unqualified to me.

I have a wife and children, and a relatively small number of friends. However, I cannot talk to anyone if there is background noise. I have difficulty timing my turn in conversations. Touching nylon textile, the smell of perfume and tobacco smoke all make me want to curl up and die. Dogs scare me because they can make unexpected loud noises. When I am being flippant or facetious, people think that I am being deadly serious. When overwhelmed, I tend to thump myself in the side of the head. I have a tendency to panic attacks if I have to address large numbers of people - I drink alcohol beforehand to avoid this. Anxiety, a fear of becoming mute, prevents me making all but dire emergency phone calls. I could go on for pages about my autism-related traits and problems. Autism is a 'broad church' and though my capacity for maintaining friendships is limited to only a relatively few people at a time, I have never had problems making friends.

Hi Briar, 

I honestly loved reading this post - you have managed to put into words exactly how I have been feeling, but you are just a million times more articulate than me. 

I have only told very close friends or my immediate family and in 90% of the cases the reaction was pretty neutral, which I expected (eg. wasn't expecting shock and/or a fanfare).

One very close friend I told I knew would be a risk to tell took it as expected, she said all the right things as if she was accepting this news, but I could hear behind her voice/see in her face that she was skeptical. She is a bit that type of person where they don't believe really in diagnoses and/or labels of things. She has this privilege since she's never had anything worse than a cold so can't imagine how it might be to be different or less able. 

I am also going late & recently diagnosed and am staying fairly guarded about sharing this too freely for fear what the reaction may be. 

I have just finished a 10 week coaching course with an autistic life coach (very highly recommend BTW) and he's taught me so much about unmasking and accepting the shame I feel. Also unlearning 35 years of ableism. It's a work in progress but I am slowly getting the hang of a few things.

aye it makes me wonder why they went for diagnosis and how they got diagnosed. how they thought it matched them and their experience. as to me its not entirely a label but rather a experience. if people who didnt have that experience all take the label then we need a new label to describe it more accurately lol

Re autistic people with wives, kids, lots of friends etc: I can’t help but feel a mixture of scepticism and bitterness 

Yes, people would regard us very differently if they understood the hurdles we deal with every day 

yeah theres another layer in that people can be diagnosed easily with things they are not so they can play the system.... my sister is doing this with her kids so not only do they and her get extra disability money but she also takes carers allowance and so she gets more money lying about things than i do working my ass off.... and i never got help in my life and was seemingly doomed to rot in my parents house then become homeless before i struck some luck. so it kinda makes me doubt and be cynical about the system and these labels too....

i dunno, id still be doubtful about people as i hear people claiming to be autistic but yet they have a ton of mates and had lots of relationships and had kids and to me thats not my experience, my experience is being left outside the potential to ever be in any of those kind of circles, locked out of the dome alone so to speak.... i never saw many people on the outside like i was, so i do doubt all the diagnosis being tossed around lightly and densely.... unless the case is the masses are autistic and im the only normal one on the inside alone when everyone is on the outside lol

No, I feel no embarrassment at being labelled autistic. Quite the opposite, before I realised I was autistic, and was subsequently diagnosed, I was hugely embarrassed by my inability to cope with the quirks, difficulties and limitations I had. I thought that other people had similar difficulties to me and I was just a very weak person in not being as able to deal with them as seamlessly as they apparently did. I now know that most other people do not have the problems I have, and they sail through all manner of social situations with no conscious effort whatsoever.

Rather than being a weak person, I am a remarkably strong autistic person. To the best of my abilities, I deal with problems on an everyday basis that would crush most neurotypicals, if they were to experience them the way I do.

I LOVE your mindset!

My burnout also led to a psychiatrist pointing out that I'm autistic and would benefit from a diagnosis and I'll forever be grateful.

Well, you may be sneaking it in but it is a start and you have to start somewhere right? I know I've had many issues around wearing my sunflower lanyard because it basically told everyone. It's a process. You will get there!

I simply don’t care what people think when they hear I’m autistic. No I don’t ‘look’ or sound autistic….whatever that looks like. At work I mask as and when needed. I’m sure now they know they can see it more.  I think if anything, people don’t know what to think, but if they aren’t people I care about, who cares what they think? Either way, I’m happy I know who I am, because I’d spent 49 years undiagnosed. I’m 50 now.

It was burnout due to masking that set me on my journey to diagnosis and I know I need to change how I operate or it will never get better, but a lot of people react negatively if I tell them.

I’m trying to sneak in bits of stimming and other small changes but the fact I’m trying to sneak them in means I’m still basically masking.

I may have to get a t-shirt that says “I’m autistic. Get over it”

I very much wanted to be open about it after my diagnosis but the people I have told have all distanced themselves from me. Not sure I’d use the word “embarrassed” but I’m certainly wary of telling people now.

Most people don't mention it, to my face. Maybe because they see their sons and daughters doing the same.

But I do appear awkward in public. Constantly looking for a loo doesn't help matters. Back in 2004, I was on a Bus in Belfast which broke down; then waiting for a replacement. I peed myself, when wearing working clothes. I was mortified.

There is currently is a rise in people being diagnosed later in life due to social media and people having access to information that we once didn't have. Many AFAB people slipped through the net of early diagnosis due to masking. And I think if the world has an issue with that then that is their issue to have and not ours as autistic people. And I'm sorry that you are experiencing backlash of this, that must be incredibly difficult. 

I went through burnout due to subconsciously masking and part of my recovery has meant I've had to learn to stop masking and hiding my autistic self in order to recover and feel better. Part of that means stimming in front of people and it's nothing huge, just a small fidget cube in my hand for the time being but it's made such a big difference for me. 

You and your experience are completely valid. I see you. However masking and hiding our autistic selves can have consequences, as I've found out. So just be mindful of that.