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He wants to be friends. I don't. Advice please?

stranger

I will get my friend to have a word with him. But could do with some advice:

Met someone at a running group last year and we got talking and I said was studying Law. He then said I could help with the issues he's having with the police. I am in no way trained to do this. Nor am I actually aware of the issues.

A few months later, he suggested we meet up for coffee, which I said was ok and gave him my number. He wouldn't stop texting me and leaving me voicemails, despite me asking him 3 times to stop it. He claimed he couldn't help because of his OCD. I then told him we're not meeting up. (partly because of that and because I'd made last minute plans)

I then saw him a few days later and we were with other people and he wouldn't leave me alone. I couldn't really say anything because we were with others.

My friend told me that he was told what was going on and said he's done it to others before.

I was then informed that he'd been sectioned (at one point, he blamed me for his depression and OCD - something he says he's had for years now) and was told if any of us do decide to see him, we shouldn't go on our own. I never went to see him.

He was then released from the hospital and joined up with the running group. He's now acting as though nothing's happened and that we're friends. I don't want to be friends with him. I don't want to be friends with someone who treated me the way he did.

I posted this somewhere else and was told if I'm civil towards him, (which was the plan) he may take it the wrong way and think we're friends.

Advice please?

  • IntenseWorld said:
    Someone with autism can be obsessed with a person, and can treat a person as their special interest, but as this person seems to have a pattern of it I would not say that this was the case.

    I am in this situation now, which the person (who is also on the spectrum) is aware of. But unlike the person I'm having trouble with, we're happy and it's not a one-sided friendship.

    I didn't get a chance to ask my friend to have a word. I'll see how things go.

  • OCD does not cause such behaviour anyway, I would say it's more narcissism or sociopathy - people with autism can misread signals but there is definitely something more going on with that character, and many conditions can be co-morbid with autism as we know.  Someone with autism can be obsessed with a person, and can treat a person as their special interest, but as this person seems to have a pattern of it I would not say that this was the case.

  • People like that "befriend" anyone who appears to give them any hope of something coming from it. They seek friendships that are one sided, but do not learn that it involves two way interaction.

    It intrigues me that that is sometimes attributed to autism, citing the same rather obscure examples rather often - one being the young man prompted to give a girl he was being friendly with a birthday present, saying if she gives me the money I'll buy her it. I could see that as literal understanding but it is used to illustrate selfishness in people on the spectrum. I wonder if there is any real evidence that sort of thing happens.

    With people who try to impose their friendship when it isn't one you'd want, you just do what IntenseWorld suggested - ignore them - it won't be easy,  but its the only way.

    Exactly why such people occur, I don't know, as it is such a socially unrewarding strategy. Sometimes it indicates a desire to control and bully, for which they look for receptive subjects. You just have to be tough and give them not the slightest scope to affect you.

    If that means being cruel or harsh, you have to consider whether if such a person did get into your life, would he hold back on being cruel or harsh towards you, and on a much larger and more destructive scale?

    Also if you find you need to get the police to intervene on the grounds of stalking or harrassment, the more evidence you have that you have not given any encouragement, but rather ingnored him, the better. Keep a diary of these incidents, including any witnesses to incidents.

  • Thanks. I have been in a similar situation before this year and was told by my parents that someone elses behaviour isn't my fault. But my actions may not have really helped.

    He doesn't know where I live. He's changed his phone number and as far as I'm aware, doesn't currently have my number.

    Whether he's getting help or not, I don't know.

    This friendship appears to be so one sided. It appears that he just wants help and I get nothing in return. Whereas with other friends, we do stuff for each other and seeing them doesn't feel like a chore.

    I think he knows what he's doing and seems to just blaming me when he doesn't get his own way.

  • Hi Stranger - such a difficult situation to be in.  I don't think you should be civil/polite etc to him.   Your feelings need to be crystal clear to him.  However difficult, you need to make it absolutely clear that you don't want him in your life in any way at all.  If your friend can make that clear without you having to do it yourself, then all the better. However, you may have to say it yourself as he seems to reject what he doesn't want to know.  You are not responsible for his emotional health.  He is a person with mental health issues and appears to be very self-centred and needy.  It is very unfortunate for him and you that he is burdened with these problems.  He appears from your post to be aware of what he's doing, so he's using you to get what he thinks he needs, ie: a friend, companionship. Also, from what you say, it seems he blames others for his problems, thus making them feel guilty if they upset him.  It's clear he needs help, or more help than he's receiving and/or willing to accept from people such as mental health services, social services etc.  I'm presuming you've blocked him on your phone and also that he doesn't know where you live.  I hope this situation resolves soon.