Published on 12, July, 2020
I need an outlet so am putting this into the "ether". I'm pretty sure, given my track record, It will be deleted later today.
I continue to have my mind fixed on things and I'm struggling to regulate this. I can go from "fairly relaxed" to "a brain crammed full" in a short space of time. I'm thankful that these days the whirlygig of my mind is consumed with nice things as opposed to worries - I know it's simply a matter of attention. But I am struggling to switch off.
To get through this, I listen to music, go walking outside, switching task, writing it down or, in the case of the other day, telling myself "the world is alright" and letting the feeling sit. It's intense. I don't know if I'd prefer the alternative or not.
I don't know why I'm posting this, but like I said, need to get it out rather than simply writing it down for myself.
I imagine this is different to what you're saying, but emotional regulation is something I'm finding particularly difficult at the moment.
Like, if a flashback or a single negative comment might bring out some anger in me, it feels like it's going to last forever, and I'm definitely more prone to blowing up (or wanting to) now than I used to.
I probably could do a better job of keeping my mind busy, but we went abroad and it didn't stop me thinking about the things that bothered me.
I find novelty helps massively. So being in a new environment or with people means my attention is elsehwere ie not on the stuckness. I used to have difficulty in that I thought my curent situtaion / mood etc would be forever but I've learned that everything passes so I KNOW the subject will at some point change. It's tiring because when it does change it usually has equal intensity !
I go from intensely being in the moment in work to - as soon as I've "clocked off" - intensely in my head with the thoughts.
I thought the novelty of being in a different country would help but it actually left me feeling more exposed. Being away from my therapist for 9 weeks (5 of those because of the holiday) made life really difficult.
I never really let myself be happy for a similar reason - because I know it's not going to last and therefore it's not worth it.
There will come a point in life where you will look back on it and know "I got through it, how the hell did I do that" and realise you are a very strong and resilient person.
All the best.
I hope so too. It has been 5 months now and it still feels raw but it's not as bad as it was.