Published on 12, July, 2020
Hey everyone, I apologize in advance if something is unclear. It’s several hours past my bedtime, but alas sleep eludes me. I hope the following is clear enough. I am seeking input on perhaps how to handle/approach this since I am finally out of my depth.
so my best friend is on the spectrum. He has Asperger’s (I think I read they did away with the term but I can’t quite recall). We are in our 30s now and have been friends since we were 16. I have always been insanely blunt, probably too blunt when irritated, but it’s always served our friendship well. We get each other. I’ll keep it simple and just leave it at that
now over the years, he has struggled with relationships(girlfriends). He used to joke how I need to be his wingman(I’m a woman lol) and help him. I have always failed. I don’t typically like people or try to befriend them. For valid reasons, I’m just not a people person. Anyway, he has found 2-3 woman who were… well they definitely intended to be there for a good time, not a long time. This has caused him anguish, self doubt, increased anxiety, you name it. All understandable.
now to present times. He found a woman with similar interests and a sad backstory. He was attracted like a moth to the flame as soon as she showed him interest. I knew from the beginning this wasn’t going to be good. I kept my opinions to myself at the time. Then after they dated for a few months, I saw red flags. She started messaging ME! the context was very…. Manipulative. Like, how she worded things she hoped the convo would go back to him.
my friend stayed over a few days later where he showed me their texts. Seeking my advice. It was bad.
to cut to more recent noticed behavior, she is a narcissistic, manipulative abusive turd muffin. She treats him as though he would respond to things like a non-autistic guy would. Then gets mad when he doesn’t respond accordingly. It got so bad, she made him call me and ask “hey, I can’t remember but have you ever been here when (his girlfriends name) wasn’t here?” She has practically forbade him from hanging with me. He doesn’t talk to me unless he is at work. All of that type of non sense. I get it, she views me as a threat.
a month ago they finally split, then within 2 weeks, they got back together because this woman’s mother kicked her out. His gf is almost 40 mind you and does not have her life together and is very clearly using my friend as a cash cow practically.
my goodness, I think I have covered this well enough so you have a good idea of the picture.
My dilemma is this. I love my best friend (I am married, it’s purely like that of a sibling). This woman is nuts, he feels as though it’s the best he can do, she’s ruining our friendship. But more importantly, she’s ruining HIM.
I don’t know how to help anymore. He won’t listen and follow through on my pointing out her blatant abusive traits I sent him links on what the different types of abuse look like (she literally hits all of them but physical abuse) we haven’t spoken really since he ditched me for my birthday and failed to explain why. We talked briefly at a friends wedding last week where he begged me not to blow up on him over ditching me and over the fact he got back with that woman and they got an appt together.I don’t know what I can do. I, personally, have like 4 friends he is my closest and oldest friend I don’t deal with drama anymore. I’m too old for the teenage nonsense and it stresses me out. I mean it’s almost 2 in the morning and I’m usually asleep 4-5 hours ago. Clearly, I’m stressed over this.
i am unsure if I should give him an ultimatum. usually they don’t go well with him because he takes the path of least resistance. But for my own closure, I need something. I can’t stay in left field waiting to hear the next story of how cruel this woman is, but I don’t want to lose my friend either yet, it feels like mentally/emotionally I’m at that point. I can’t be present for him anymore.
does anyone have any suggestions or insight on how I can help, or with how his mind works, is it really going to take him being miserable for god knows how long before he rids himself of this plague? I feel as though I would be abandoning him. But I can’t keep hurting myself if it won’t help him either.
any insight for this ridiculous situation would be appreciated. I hope this was coherent enough. My apologies if it wasn’t.
"I am not my brothers keeper" springs to mind. Good luck on your journey.
Yes, while true, this was something that was established long ago. Because he didn’t always see things as they were or rather interpret them as they were, I was always the one who he looked to translate certain social situations or if I merely observed something off, it was just known that I would tell him, hey those people are being weird or hey those people are using you Yada yada. It’s one aspect of our friendship that just always has been as it was. It’s one of the reasons I’m so… off about the situation because I’m doing what he always expected, alerting him to the red flags, and he’s not listening lol. Therefore as his friend, I’m now watching from afar as he suffers. The dynamic has completely twisted and I have been unable to gauge how to proceed. Tomorrow while he is at work I will have a final convo with him to profess my concerns and inform him I will need to step back if he wishes to continue since I cannot watch him be miserable like this and unable to do anything to alleviate the issue. But of course, if a time comes and he needs me, I’ll be there. What a tangled web.
thank you for the reminder. Truly.
It's a fine line between intruding into someone elses life with positive intention and interfering. A helpful friend is one who is there on request.
Thank you guys. I appreciate your advice. I am usually the reflective one. He listens to my own advice only 50% of the time lol. It’s simply His choices never directly affected me before and it’s just thrown me for a loop. Like “don’t you see what your doing to both of us?” Just unsure if he GETS it yet. occasionally I have to word things in such an obtuse way for it to click some times.
But again, thank you all. I will sit on this and think of a way to have a final discussion on the matter about my own concerns for his health and safety and how it affects myself as well. And my kids who have been missing their sudden absent uncle.
thank you
Once you've said your piece, all you can do is be there for him when it goes to crap.
If you want to.
It’s so tricky. I think ultimately it’s his life. Either accept his mistakes and take a back seat or end your friendship. no one wants to be constantly judged by their friends and his actions are his own decision he has free will.
If you can just listen when he needs you.
If you have given ultimatums before then this time I’d just leave him to it.
I feel putting yourself first is important. That doesn't mean you'll have to cut him off but maybe that you need some time apart to process everything?
Maybe that's what he needs too. Some kind of self-reflection and thinking about how he actually feels about it all.