Published on 12, July, 2020
Until the age of 20 (having been diagnosed at 8), I didn't really embrace the fact I'm autistic. I still treated it as like a disease and a separate entity to me.
Eventually, I managed to feel a bit more comfortable with it and learnt more about it over the years. I was firmly on the "autism is great" train for a while, exploring autistic joy and so on.
These last few months, I've felt differently. I've spoken about my massive screw-up a few months ago quite a bit here. I saw a comment from someone who questioned if I'm actually autistic. Many doubtlessly thought I was using autism as an excuse.
As a result, I've begun wishing I wasn't autistic all over again. I do believe that none of that would have happened if I wasn't autistic.
Not being autistic would turn me into a different person, but I think I'd rather be a different person. The person I am is forever tainted and considered the lowest of the low.
Admittedly this is somewhat contradicted by the fact that I've begun wearing my sunflower lanyard when I go out and about sometimes, but I do it because I don't really care about what people think about it.
I do often forget that I'm autistic and don't ask for support when I need it and things end up going wrong, but I don't know what I'd rather. Ignoring it didn't work, but embracing it meant I got myself into situations which led to this avalanche.
I wish I could completely start my life again sometimes.
Despite the fact that I had always felt different, I didn't know I was autistic until I was in my forties. Whilst there is no doubt about the fact that it has caused me issues throughout my life, I'm not so sure that I would want to be neurotypical.
What I do often wish is that more had been known about autism when I was a child, and how it can present differently in females.
Sporadic Sparkly said:I do often wish is that more had been known about autism when I was a child, and how it can present differently in females.
....and that even some manly men can be more akin to a typical female presentation too!
I didn't know you liked boy bands and horses!
Be done with this "toxic masculinity" business---your'e asking for trouble
I was going to lend you my Care-bear but if that is your attitude then I will wish you a Tubby bye bye!
Doh ! Good point.
I'm going to crawl back under my Fifi Flowertots blanket and play with My-Little-Pony whilst I reflect on my own stupidity for a while. I offer you a manly "cheery bye-bye" as I go.
I think I would be Howling Mad Murdock! There we’re good boy bands, The Beatles and of course The Bay City Rollers, Shang-A-Lang!