Struggling with partner

Alice-nice-Alice said:

Our right to reasonable adjustments doesn’t guarantee their granting. I requested some from the large national charity I worked for who completely blanked me,

Would you be willing to share what it was you asked for please? I think it would be helpful to undestand what "reasonable adjustments" are being asked for and granted or denied as it will help others understand what they can ask for or what is being thought of as unreasonable.

You mention wanting help during a time with breakdowns - was any of the support based around helping you in a state of active breakdown by any chance?

Hiya. There’s much good advice above I won’t repeat though two pieces of my experience are relevant:

Our right to reasonable adjustments doesn’t guarantee their granting. I requested some from the large national charity I worked for who completely blanked me, they thought supporting neurodiversity was accomplished by a few posters and internal magazine articles, unfortunately they wouldn’t even try to help me when I was experiencing a crisis featuring severe meltdowns. I walked in the end, it was clearly constructive dismissal but that was a battle I knew would have done me more harm than good. 

My experience of people with a history of bad financial management and debt is that they don’t change and that it is almost always a relationship breaker. You definitely need to look out for yourself as much as him and this might lead to difficult conclusions 

Good luck

Emma

Thanks so much Iain, this is great advice and I will encourage him to join the forum :) 

NAS79234 said:

regarding the GP, would this be a private assessment, one we would have to pay for?

No, it is all on the NHS. They have to pay which is why they don't like to advertise it.

Once he has a diagnosis then he can present it to the HR team at work and discuss with his manager about making something called "reasonable accommodations" for his autism. Because autism is classified as a disability then the employers have a duty of care to making life reasonably manageable for us so he could think about what things could make his working day more tolerable.

This could be having x days of working from home each week, not being required to present anything during meetings, skipping large gatherings etc - it doesn't mean he gets to shut himself away but if there are smaller things that can be done then they can be agreed and implemented.

Now for his lack of understanding of social dynamics that is causing his work issues, he may find the following book useful:

Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships Decoding Social Mysteries Through the Unique Perspectives of Autism - Grandin, Temple, Barron, Sean (2017)
ISBN 9781941765388

A good guide to all things about anxiety from the perspective of an autist is:

Asperger Syndrome and Anxiety - A Guide to Successful Stress Management - Nick Dubin (2009)
ISBN 9781843108955

If you can, encourage him to join the forum here and ask us his own questions - it should give him more of a sense of conrol of the dialogue around his autism and give him a chance to ask anonymously about things he may be embarassed to ask otherwise.

Thanks for looking out for him.

Hello Caelus, thank you for your supportive words and advice. I agree with you, I think I do need support and will look into this :)

Hello Iain, thank you for all your advice and these books look really helpful.

Regarding the work situation, he becomes overwhelmed if there are a lot of people and when he made a mistake he came home and had a meltdown banging his head continuously. He works in a factory and feels fine if he is left alone. He finds interacting with others difficult and worries what to say when saying hello or goodbye to people. He's extremely hardworking but if there is a change of tasks he feels very stressed.

Thank you for your advice regarding the GP, would this be a private assessment, one we would have to pay for? 

NAS79234 said:

I love him very much but it is affecting me mentally and I also worry he will not find a job that suits him.

Cudos for taking the effort to look out for your partners needs by asking here. It can be frustrating being the partner of an autist but there are some good books on the subject that can help you navigate the relationship side (work stuff will be furthe down the post).

I would recommend the following:

22 Things a Woman Must Know If She Loves a Man with Asperger’s Syndrome - Rudy Simone (2009)
ISBN 9781849058032

Loving someone with Asperger's syndrome_ understanding & connecting with your partner - Ariel, Cindy N (2012)
ISBN 9781608820771

The Other Half of Asperger Syndrome - Maxine Aston (2013)
ISBN 9781849054980

The work aspects for your partner - does he have problems where he doesn't understrant the socual interactions which leads to difficult situations or does he suffer from thinks like simply being around people (more phobia than confusion)? Is it the volume of sounds and sensory  load from an office environment or the changes of routine required to commute?

These are all things which are known to cause issues for autists so it would help to understand the key stressers before offering advice around how best to deal with these.

The working from home option is a good option but can bring its own issues too and it is a type of role that is slipping back out of favour now the pandemic panic has passed.

As an aside, he may be able to ask his GP for a "right to choose" to get a private assessment for autism - this is an option they don't advertise as it costs them, but it can get an assessment much faster than normal.

hes doing pretty good if he managed to get a partner, and if he managed to get a partner he must go out and socialise. which shows hes doing pretty fine despite possible asd as most on asd wont ever have a partner in their entire lives and would feel like its impossible to get a partner or go out or have any social circle or friends. and would then feel life is leaving them behind.

so hes doing pretty well for himself anyway, i dunno what you can do to help, the only thing you can do is be there for him, which you are already doing and he probably loves you for it and appreciates it but likely wont be able to show that or express that and would feel perhaps unnapreciative or like a stoic stone wall, but under that hed likely really appreciate you being there for him.

if anything in this case its perhaps you that may need the support if your finding it hard. your are his support, so he has you... but you need support. sometimes the support needs support. the support carrys alot of burden, the one your supporting may not feel that burden as thats his normal hes used to.