Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
I’m a partner of a 49 year old male who was diagnosed a couple of years ago. He’s highly fuctional but I’m wondering if anyone else experiences the same thing. May partner seems to want a discussion on everything for ages. For example, the latest one is, our daughter who is 10 no longer wants to go back to Cubs after the summer break. I see that has a normal thing as kids grow, they change interests with different things. However, my partner has to analysis what reasons. My partner is fixed on commitment- all or nothing! I get so frustrated. I know it’s how he sees things but if I want to change my mind, even the little things he gets upset and we end up arguing. I’m dyslexic so I want to describe things well to get my point over but I struggle find the right language. Basically he likes to challenge decisions based on commitment. The thing is it how he need to unpick everything even when me and our daughter don’t see it as a big deal. We just spent a hour talking about her quitting cubs and part of that was her other hobbies.
I agree with commitment. To a point. I struggled with this for years and often found myself in vulnerable situations because commitment was more important than anything else. Now, I don't take commitment lightly after critically investigating what commitment actually meant. Now, I rarely make promises I can't keep. What I have changed is how long I will commit to a thing: 3 months, until the first badge, 3 out of 4 weekly meetings per month (which means I sometimes make all). Investment matters.
I also began to perceive commitment as a social contract which other parties are involved in. So if one party breaks that contract, it's no longer valid. This matters in severe occasions. Most supportive contracts which benefit everyone are flexible.
The problem from my point of view wasn't actually commitment, but familiarity and this is where Hume was right - Reason being subject to Passions (not emotions but things we're driven by). In fact, I stayed in an abusive marriage because I thought that's what "commitment" was. I stuck through conversations with an abusive parent who constantly berated and dismissed me because "commitment". Then I learned a few valuable lessons. These toxic situations did not feed my soul. I had been "committing" to helping others into cruelties at my expense and I was becoming good for no-one.
There are some great teachings in the Christian Old Testament about making rash commitments or ones we really don't understand the depths of impact from when we make them. The story of Jepthah, the story of Abraham's commitment to G-d and his nomadic life and heartbreaking journeys, the story of Hannah who committed her son Samuel to the temple and then only got to see him once a year.
We must make room to trial and error a thing. Or how will we know? This is a commitment in itself. Commit to the structure of intention, of learning about the strength and limits of the self and afford a simple investment: one month, 2 maybe. Then take a break to regroup.
At nearly 50, I would now suggest to commit to principles, rules of engagement, commit to practicing standards of being such as respectfulness even when someone doesn't deserve it, because being respectful is about me. Choosing to do a thing which shows I'm happy to earn trust is about becoming trust-worthy.
I never make promises. I've learned to think about a yes or no and then follow through. For children and teenagers, small things matter. Can I trust you to put away the dishes at some point before 9pm? How can I help you remember this task today.
In a team sport, I can commit to being reliable. Maybe emotionally supportive if I'm less physically able. However, if I slowly discover I'm on a team of heartless individuals and haven't learned to also commit to my own healthy boundaries, I will find my sense of self picked away at like breadcrumbs for pigeons. This does little good for anyone. First commit to my becoming, then practice following through on small matters: For instance, choosing to not say everything that comes into my head, every day for a week - this can build a discipline and intention with others. Practice one thing at a time. Afford room to trial and error. Over time, as we grow, we will become reliable and THAT is the nature of what commitment brings. :)
I will say, I committed to allowing my son to try things when he was young. He tried all kinds of sport and hobbies. It can take a good deal of time for children to find things they resonate with and this is part of being young. Now he's determined on his own to stick out what he's inclined toward.
There was one time he was 15 and we set out to help him with his fear of speaking in public. We had discussed this for years and he continually expressed difficulty. So that summer, I invested in a really good improv class but he had to commit to it. He nearly didn't go to the second meeting, but later said he needed to sleep on the first class and get through the terrifying experience of the second which then had just a hint more familiarity, to be open to going to the 3rd, which helped him go to all 8.
Maybe approach interests like classic TV: 2 seasons at most. A mini-series. A one day workshop. Not newscasting but an episodic.