Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
I’m a partner of a 49 year old male who was diagnosed a couple of years ago. He’s highly fuctional but I’m wondering if anyone else experiences the same thing. May partner seems to want a discussion on everything for ages. For example, the latest one is, our daughter who is 10 no longer wants to go back to Cubs after the summer break. I see that has a normal thing as kids grow, they change interests with different things. However, my partner has to analysis what reasons. My partner is fixed on commitment- all or nothing! I get so frustrated. I know it’s how he sees things but if I want to change my mind, even the little things he gets upset and we end up arguing. I’m dyslexic so I want to describe things well to get my point over but I struggle find the right language. Basically he likes to challenge decisions based on commitment. The thing is it how he need to unpick everything even when me and our daughter don’t see it as a big deal. We just spent a hour talking about her quitting cubs and part of that was her other hobbies.
It may be worth agreeing a way that you can demonstrate that something is a decision you have made and you do not want to argue it - a veto card of some kind.
You will need to agree when to have these and part of this may involve pointing out how uncomfortable these discussions can be to you - he may not realise and you may be able to sell it to him that you understand his autism is driving this but he probaby doesn't want to hurt you and this is your way of politely pointing it out.
If you have to use your dyslexia as the reason for wanting to do this then use it - he may need a solid reason for the idea and this works. You may need to say something like "it hurts me sometimes when I feel pressured into the justifications because my dyslexia makes it really painful to explain things".
If you have a subject you really don't want to get into because of the endless questions then it would be a case of dig out the card from your purse/wallet and present it and say something like "I veto this discussion as per our agreement".
Another alternative is to get a stop watch and say "we have 10 mins to talk about this then the subject is closed". Focus on the discussion and when it is over then stop talking about it. The rules of engagement here may make him focus on what is most important but you need to be ready to respond quickly if you are able. The timed aspect in general needs to be agreed in advance obviously - he won't like the change in style without agreeing to it.
Through all of this you need to make it clear that his constant questioning hurts you when he takes it to these extremes. Without the understanding of the impact he will continue to thing only of his own frustrations around the changes and not of yours.