Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello,
It has come to my attention over the past few months that I need to improve my communications skills, as I fear this will hinder my future prospects career wise and in personal life. I have always had issues with communication since childhood, this was excused as being shy and anxiety.
I find it difficult to reach out and ask for help, to verbalise any decisions I make (or when trying to make them), speak in a group setting regardless if it's face-to-face or on a call (e.g. teams or skype), talk when I don't think what I say has any value or is unnecessary.
For example, the last one is has been a big problem as of late. It feels as I am physically unable to talk about stuff I deem trivial, or if I know my opinion doesn't really hold any value. So much, I have resorted to completely avoiding the situation, which is getting me in quite a bit of trouble.
I have had a little look online about how to develop communication skills as an autistic person, but I don't know where to start. I am unsure of therapy yet, although I may pursue this later down the line, I just haven't had much luck with therapists yet which is why I'm reluctant to start there. What books or websites would you recommend? Any advice? I really would appreciate it.
I noticed that some of the tips on how to deal with this would be that some people find it easier to continue the conversation written down rather than verbally, which I do find much easier (and prefer) but I am more interested in trying to help in the situation where written communication is not possible.
Apologies if the format is not pleasant, I haven't posted much on this forum... yet
Autistic communication difficulties are not caused by being shy, although many of us will have been told that in the past.
We have a different style of communication and often that can be non verbal. It is usually related to auditory processing difficulties and needing extra time to process information and formulate what to say.
I have struggled with verbal communication my entire life and it is something that seems to get worse rather than better as I get older. For me communicating verbally takes such a huge amount of effort that I only do it when absolutely necessary. Small talk isn't necessary in my opinion.
I have found in the past I have had to script intensively when doing anything requiring verbal communication. That can work very well for things like verbalising decisions in a meeting or public speaking. However it works less well in two way conversation, due to the processing delays.
In a fast paced conversation we can't keep up with non autistic people because their brains work differently. Most of the time I simply can't think of anything to say at all, unless I have extensively prepared and planned in advance. If I do think of something the conversation will have moved on past that opportunity.
What you are essentially asking is how to learn more effective masking. Whilst it is possible it is exhausting and not good for us in the longer term. Too much masking will eventually lead to burnout, so I would encourage caution.
Others need to accept that as an autistic person you communicate differently to how they communicate. Not being able to communicate in their style should not be getting you into trouble.
Hi LQ,
I have similar issues in terms of communicating and influencing people. I also can't be doing with spin or having to sell ideas to people and small talk is generally meh! I have done various courses in my career with elements around this, however, they haven't been that useful. I've been looking recently specifically around something for ND people as I don't really want to be taught how to further mask but I haven't found owt yet.
I have adapted my approach in my career a little around trying to find different ways of explaining what I mean to people. When people know me or have worked with me a while, they start to get me a bit more and will ask what I think if I'm being quiet or come to me with a problem/conundrum as I'll look at it from a bunch of different angles (I'm also unlikely to let it go until I've solved it or found an owner for it). What's more tricky is working with new people or interview type situations.
Having things written down or backed up in writing definitely helps and I generally write bullet summaries to confirm my understanding with people. I'll also ask some direct questions to cut through any... erm.. elaboration.... this doesn't always go down well. I also tend to prep before meetings, so I'll have questions or points written down that I want to raise if they aren't covered by someone.
I think it rather depends on communication in what context and for what purpose.
Most of us don't engage much with "trivia"; small talk and gossip. But some people see that as a good thing and that need not hold you back socially where other people don't value that either, or at least value you for not being a gossip or a shallow gas bag.
Workwise, our direct style can be a problem for some. Amending that is possible but it's also masking and will come at a cost to you. You'll be exhausted jumping through the hoops.
All that said though, there is a level which is just about confidence. I note you say you feel sometimes you know your opinion isn't valued. That won't be true of every one. Sometimes people value most the one they know they'll always get an honest answer from.
It's the difference between some peoples motive in asking the "does my bum look big in this?" question. Well, if you just want to be flattered even if your bum does look big, don't ask an autistic person. If you honestly want to know the answer - the best person to ask is an autistic person.
I'm not to sure where you'd look though to learn NT communication styles, other than by copying NTs.
Verbal communication for me has also been a struggle. I don't suffer with any speech impediment, and I am not shy. I just need time to respond in an appropriate manner. I also prefer written communication, but have a bias towards over elaboration including far more detail than necessary---which often gets me into trouble. My mind works at a different pace with verbal comprehension and I am slow to react---if at all ! This also gets me into trouble as my lack of reaction is not conducive towards a continued conversation. I have been accused of being antisocial.
In my early school years I believe my English teacher selected me to recite a poem on stage in front of my school auditorium. She must have recognized my lack of verbal communication back then. It scared the hell out of me. I was truly roped into it. I memorised the poem and delivered it to my own surprise. Having memorised it negated any effort on delivery, but I still struggle with verbal communication. I would have embraced help with overcoming this inadequacy as I have since always avoided any sort of presentations.
I used to be incredibly shy. It's gonna sound annoying but I literally just got over this by practicing because I had to. I needed help with my mental health and it required a lot of meetings and phone calls and I just got used to it over time. Now I'm quite good and have even done a little bit of public speaking at events for my university.