Feeling a bit lost and looking for some guidance

Hi everyone

I've um'd and err'd for a while about posting on here but I've finally taken the plunge as I feel like I'm in a bit of a quandary. To briefly summarise, I've been in a relationship with my g/f for a very long time and to cut a (very!) long story short, I've been wondering if she might be slightly autistic.

Initially I started out investigating social anxiety, as she has suffered with that all her life (not by her own admission but from getting to know her well), but for a long time I just assumed it was shyness and a little social uncertainty...which I guess are not uncommon. But over the years, it's become apparent that it's more than that and the amount of stress and anxiety she experiences before and during social situations (of all kinds) is quite severe. The really challenging thing is that she seems to have grown up with the idea that it's something that she must keep absolutely hidden at all costs; it's as though she fears the consequences of ever admitting just how stressed and anxious she really gets. 

Just as a quick example, a little while ago she refused point blank to go into a snack shop on holiday to buy herself something to eat...after much debate, she finally admitted it was because it would be too embarrassing (there was no-one around and the only person in the snack shop was the lady behind the counter).

That's just one example - there have been many occasions over the years where she has shied away from seemingly innocuous situations. Other examples include:

• walking away from me and skulking in a shop doorway 20 yards away when I've been looking at the menu outside a restaurant because she fears a waiter coming out and speaking to us
• again, walking away from me when watching street performers (she doesn't say anything...just disappears) because she's terrified they might single her out and ask her something
• refusing to go and pick up a takeaway meal from a restaurant because it would involve walking into the restaurant where there would be people
• refusing to submit a job application in person as it would involve having to speak to someone

Many situations that involve social interaction with other people will cause her to become anxious and stressed to some degree - certainly if it's people she doesn't know, but even sometimes with people she does know.

She does not like admitting it though, and will find all sorts of excuses as to why we shouldn't go to some kind of social event or meet up with people. She will get quite confrontational and aggressive about it too and will sometimes accuse me of bullying her if I try to coax out of her what the issue is or get her to talk about it. In my (admittedly quite simple!) mind, getting her to talk about it would be very beneficial...but she just won't. She'll say things like "Yeh, I don't like doing xyz...but it's not a problem". She will then often accuse me of making a big deal out of it if I try and get her to expand a bit.

Anyway, that's the social anxiety side of things! The reason I'm on an autism forum is that, whilst researching social anxiety, I came across a page that listed various symptoms, a good number of which were absolutely bang on for her...however, I then scrolled up the page and found that it wasn't speaking about social anxiety, but was actually speaking about some of the symptoms of autism. And she had quite a lot of them. I have to admit, it was almost like a bit of a light came on, as there have been some big challenges that I've really struggled with that suddenly seemed to make a bit of sense.

However, I'm not a qualified professional in this sort of thing, so I freely admit that I may well be barking up entirely the wrong tree! The slightly challenging thing is that some of the symptoms of adult autism she does appear to very much have, but others symptoms are not her at all. For example, below are the symptoms of adult autism I found on the NHS website (I've rated her from 1-5 for these, where 1 is "not at all" and 5 is "very much so"):

• finding it hard to understand what others are thinking or feeling - 3
• getting very anxious about social situations - 5
• finding it hard to make friends or preferring to be on your own - 3
• seeming blunt, rude or not interested in others without meaning to - 4 
• finding it hard to say how you feel - 4 (she also get very emotional regarding this)
• taking things very literally – for example, you may not understand sarcasm or phrases like "break a leg" - 4
• having the same routine every day and getting very anxious if it changes - 4 (e.g. she doesn't like going to a different supermarket than the usual one)
• not understanding social "rules", such as not talking over people - 3
• avoiding eye contact - 1
• getting too close to other people, or getting very upset if someone touches or gets too close to you - 2 (she doesn't get too close to people, but doesn't like it if they get close to her)
• noticing small details, patterns, smells or sounds that others do not - 5 (sounds especially irritate her, even really small noises that some people might not even hear)
• having a very keen interest in certain subjects or activities - 3 (not so much with regard to a specific subject, but can be very much the case if, for example, we've just started watching a TV series that she really likes...she'll do a really deep dive online into the storyline, the cast members, what else they've been in, who they're married to, etc, etc)
• liking to plan things carefully before doing them - 5

So whereas she gets a 5 for getting extremely anxious about social situations, she only gets a 1 for eye contact, which she's generally very good at. But I believe that can be the case, given that autism is a spectrum...?

As I've mentioned already, the challenge will be to get her to talk really openly and honestly about it. I've heard her in the past, when someone has asked her what kind of person she is, say "laid back, easy going and chilled out". Nothing could be further from the truth, but it's like she has this picture in her mind of the kind of person she wants to be...or thinks she ought to be...or thinks other people expect her to be....or probably a combination of all of those! And if anything occurs that threatens to shake that or reveal a more realistic picture, she gets really confrontational and aggressive. And to a lot of people, she appears very sociable and they view her as actually quite outgoing...but the emotional toll that maintaining that appearance takes can be pretty big.

She has also been pretty harsh in the past about other people who've had any kind of mental health issues...stress, anxiety, depression, worry, etc. She'll say things like "Oh for goodness sake, they just need to pull themselves together and get on with it!!". So she does have a bit of a history of sort of putting up a bit of a smoke screen to hide behind. 

Sorry, this has gone on way too long so I'm going to shut up now. I think what I'd find really helpful is if anyone could give me any pointers about this, particularly with regard to:

• am I way off target with my thinking that she might be autistic?
• is an official "test" the only way to confirm?
• how does one go about helping someone who is loathe, even fearful, to admit the extent of their situation?

I just want to help her make her life less stressful and therefore more enjoyable...but I'm really struggling to know what to do.

Any suggestions would be hugely appreciated.

If you made it this far...thank you! And apologies again for rambling on for so long