why is autism so isolating

It's a case of making the best of what you have despite differences. The problem begins when the kids grow up and leave.  Our focal point is gone and we are left with each other---and it wears a bit thin.

A mutually agreed-upon compromise-complex.. very interesting.. I’m going to consider that insight..

Blame is an irrelevancy. It is said opposites attract.  This was the case with my parents and so it seems to be with my wife and I. She is very highly strung. I am quite the analytical dullard in comparison.  When we first met, our respective circumstanced put us in a situation that required action. So, we decided to tie the knot and try to make something positive. It's been quite a wild roller coaster ride these past 42 years. The operative phrase "complexed compromisation" is appropriate in this relationship, but it has worn very thin. Perhaps our age has made us more inflexible, more intolerant? 

Exactly right. (IMHO)

I prefer to eternally-disappointment people, rather than hurt people, because it never pays to be seen as the hurtful one. If escalation occurs, the ball will be in there court as to whether harm is inflicted, furthermore it will be their fault when the music starts as-it-were..

An elder in my life who I respect, says autism is "what we used to call sensitive", and I believe from context and experience he was being polite and perhaps we are more accurately described as being "overly-sensitive". 

If like me, you have Autism overlaid with ADD you are literally set up to be easy to upset, and worse, liable to making a hasty response.

Now, the hasty responses in my opinion (& experience!) can either be awesomely brilliant and dazzle the observer, or as seems depressingly often just bring MORE trouble down upon the hapless Autists head.  

I "solved" that problem when I was eighteen and smoked cannabis for the first time. Although regular cannabis use has many downsides drawbacks and complications, it did get me out of a perpetual state of conflict and or victimisation with/by the people around me which had dominated my previous 14 years that I can remember being on the receiving ends of physical assault.

IF I stop smoking the stuff, the level of aggravation at the hands of other people and rash undertakings on my part, soon markedly increases, and I'm simply too creatively destructive when I get the hump properly, so I tell myself that my despicable nasty drug habit is actually "in the public interest".

IN reality, it's total selfishness on my part. If people keep "coming at you", eventually you have to actually hurt them, and I simply don't want to do that and have to know I did that, any more than I am reluctantly forced to. Even cannabinated I occasionally seem to find a "would be nemesis"arise every so often, but the "watchfulness of the Kif" as the Morrocans refer to it (I believe, not totally sure of my facts I got from a hippy book!) seems to stay my hand and allow me to work that sort of problem more sucessfully. 

We are " Hard wired " that way buddy.
It is not treatable, only manageable at best.
What we want and what we can do will always be at odds with each other.
It is a mental conflict we need to try and compromise with.

Anothre way in which Autism is isolating is then you share the things that affect you negatively, you get odd looks, or comments such as "Why?"

I dunno...Autism is in charge of that aspect of my ability to react and cope, not my personal choice.

I was there for much of the last ten years of our relationship.

In my case it turned out that I needed to man up and start taking the lead a bit more.

She still tells me that she is unhappy, but I see the actual evidence or manifestation of misery a lot less.

I came to feel that if I was going to take the blame for our shred life, I may as well take the actual responsibility.and lead a bit more!

Seems to be working.

Women! They are a strange kinda bloke...

Sometimes, people can inadvertently-weaponise unhealthy-feelings, in an attempt to push a point. If they can identify these feelings, and the outcome of the communication as a result, it can lead to healthier outcomes and talking..

Do feel that you already take appropriate-levels of blame and that your partner does not, or do you feel as you take it all on yourself..?
If it is the former, it maybe a good thing for you to pursue assertiveness-counselling, so that you can learn to voice your communication in a different or more-effective way?

We have lived this unhealthy scenario for many years. My agoraphobic wife can only find fault with anything I do or say, so I do what is necessary and say very little. She has had counseling in the past. It was a total waste of time. This marriage is dead.

I agree. It’s not healthy to accept more than the appropriate-level of blame in a given situation, only when responsibility is taken for helping one’s self, can the healing actually begin..

I'm sorry to hear that. You have been misunderstood for so many years and you shouldn't bear the blame for that. I hope the self understanding that comes with a late diagnosis can help you both to accept what happened in the past and move forwards.

Has she sought counselling for Depression, that kind of ideation, means that the individual is in a very-difficult place..

without actually uttering those specific words she has made it very clear to me that she has nothing  and wishes for death.

NAS86592 said:

My wife's life has been ruined on account of me. She became a very fearful woman suffering with agoraphobia. I'm not a bully nor have I ever threatened her. I live with that burden as I struggle with displays of affection which probably caused her condition.

Has she actually said that or are you being overly harsh on yourself?

I have a tendency towards agoraphobia myself and it is a very debilitating condition I wouldn't wish on anyone. However I wouldn't blame it on anyone. The cause is probably very deep rooted in childhood, maybe even inherited. I know my mum suffered from it very badly throughout my childhood.

Best wishes to your wife in her struggles. I do try and make an effort to go out every day but it never seems to get any easier.

ElliottGoomba said:

ive noticed as an adult that i am extemly isolated and lonely

I like your handle. "Goombah" takes me back to my youth brought up on the streets of Brooklyn where I often heard the greeting "Heyyy Goombah" shouted out by an italian guy to another.  

I've spent a sad lifetime in isolation even while surrounded by people. I'm usually ignored or snubbed because I am misunderstood in my reactions (or lack of input or reaction) as they are usually misinterpreted. as some form of snobbery. My wife's life has been ruined on account of me. She became a very fearful woman suffering with agoraphobia. I'm not a bully nor have I ever threatened her. I live with that burden as I struggle with displays of affection which probably caused her condition.  We have been together 40+ years. I don't know why she has put up with me. I too have no friends which is why I dip in and out of this forum. I was diagnosed with ASD at age 76

There is a line from a song by James that says "amongst friends but all alone" I find it sums up my experiences perfectly. We have friends but don't recognize that we have them, also differentiating between a friend and an acquaintance is something I just can't see.

I get that too, you just have got build up your chops around that sort of infantilising, i also know it the other way around, you’ve just got to roll with the punches and take what need to take..  

Your opinion is valid and it’s unique, in that you have so far to go and an individual character, relative to some, but not others..

I don’t really get effected by infantilisation, in forums, that much, because 90% of the time I don’t need a second party to make my point..