Published on 12, July, 2020
I work with children and four other adults. I find at the start and end of the day my colleagues make small talk and though I can mask and do some small talk, generally, I don’t have a lot to say and when I do talk I feel a bit of a black sheep as I’m participating but not actually a part of the group if that makes sense. It’s like I’m there but not really. I try to talk, copy their enthusiasm in what we’re talking about but to me it’s obvious I’m uncomfortable and not really sure why we’re even making small talk. I’m like this in the shops as well if the woman at the checkout starts to make small talk. Generally, I talk and can’t wait for the conversation to be over. Talking is not easy for me. It’s why I avoid phone calls if I possibly can. But, when it comes to work and playing with the kids I am at ease with this. It’s no problem. I find I am much better with kids than I am adults. I think this is partly because I still haven’t really grown up yet.
I find talking of any sort hard, and it becomes harder the older I get.
I am becoming more and more insular I think.
Iain said:I wonder if there is scope for NAS to host some sort of Zoom type events where we could do something like this - part improv and part role playing / practicing for social situations. I suspect they get very discounted licenses for this. I could be up for running some of these. There are a few wrinkles to smooth out (eg anonymity would be difficult as Zoom uses email addresses) but with some effort I think it could be done. Does anyone know if this has been tried before?
I wonder if there is scope for NAS to host some sort of Zoom type events where we could do something like this - part improv and part role playing / practicing for social situations.
I suspect they get very discounted licenses for this.
I could be up for running some of these.
There are a few wrinkles to smooth out (eg anonymity would be difficult as Zoom uses email addresses) but with some effort I think it could be done.
Does anyone know if this has been tried before?
Not to my knowledge.
You could email the community manager to enquire?
Sounds like this could be useful for some members.
Oh yes can completely relate. I realised recently that I only engage in conversation with the majority of people if there is a purpose ie work related. Anything else I avoid like the plague. As somee else has said, get an adhd friend. Another observation of mine is almost all my friends talk a lot meaning I don’t have to
I have to do networking as part of my job and I hate it. It can get easier with practise but still makes me really uncomfortable.
good luck
JuniperFromGallifrey said:I found an improv class turned being in a shop or other social situation where there's little expectations of relationship, quite pleasant. I can play along!
This is perfectly normal. You need an ADHD friend, if you don't have one already.
Also we mature slower due to a difference in language. But that's a whole other topic. If you're interested, have a look into the Defence Mechanism of Sublimation. Turns out, some of us... don't.
Kids aren't afraid of the world just yet! They haven't matured to where they're suppressing all natural desires and subconsciously warping those in to something like 'small talk'. Which is the process of Sublimating.
I found an improv class turned being in a shop or other social situation where there's little expectations of relationship, quite pleasant. I can play along! I sometimes say the most absurd things and then just... try again next time!
It's OK to be the quiet introvert who 'appreciates listening" and maybe enjoys the 'downtime' moments of not having to engage (if you all work with kids, they'll buy this). Maybe the one who's always happy to make tea, this way you're seen as a participant in some way?
Iain said:This is a very common issue for autists (myself included) but if you want to put in some effort it is possible to improve your skills fairly easily. I would recommend getting a book or two to start learning the techniques, for example:
This is a very common issue for autists (myself included) but if you want to put in some effort it is possible to improve your skills fairly easily.
I would recommend getting a book or two to start learning the techniques, for example:
Thanks for the book recommendations. I've tried a lot on my own but still not great at social interactions.
Iain said:You have grown up. Your brain developed differentlty to neurotypical brains but sho share the same earlier development with children so you can relate on that common level. You are different to the other adults, not less
You have grown up. Your brain developed differentlty to neurotypical brains but sho share the same earlier development with children so you can relate on that common level.
You are different to the other adults, not less
I find it difficult around other adults it feels a much more pressuring environment but I am prone to overthinking things and that doesn't help.
Zoid said:I find at the start and end of the day my colleagues make small talk
How to Make Small Talk - Conversation Starters, Exercises, and Scenarios - Wadsworth, Melissa (2018)
ISBN 9781507204993
How to Talk to Anyone About Anything - Improve Your Social Skills, Master Small Talk, Connect Effortlessly, and Make Real Friends - W. Williams, James (2021)
ISBN 195303635X
Stress-Free Small Talk - How to Master the Art of Conversation and Take Control of Your Social Anxiety - Gallagher LMFT, Richard S (2020)
ISBN 1641528958
Zoid said:I find I am much better with kids than I am adults. I think this is partly because I still haven’t really grown up yet.
You are different to the other adults, not less.