Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all, I'm Alan and I've just signed up to the forum.
I'm 62 and although I've always known I was different, I was only diagnosed as being on the spectrum a year ago. My son is in his 20's and diagnosed at the age of 5, but my daughter almost 18, was diagnosed when aged 16. I split from my ex partner and the my mother children almost 7 years ago, when I found out she'd wiped out our savings and the money I'd won from a compensation claim following an accident. She still lives in our home, the mortgage was paid off many years ago and I now live in a bungalow. It wasn't easy, when I left, I had the clothes on my back and that was it, I had to start from scratch, I had to sell off all of my personal possesions to fund the purchase of a cooker, fridge etc and I now have it as good as I can and can appreciate what I've managed to do. I'm not financially well off, budget very wisely, though manage to feed myself and keep my home clean and tidy.
But that is all in the passed and I've moved on, I now have a new girlfriend and we get on OK, apart from one issue, to me she is greedy and when we go out, expects me to pay for everything. In the few months since we met, we've been to many places and not once has she offered to pay, not even for a coffee in Costa. When I've said, "you can get these", she throws her head back and laughs embarrasingly and when I've spoken to her about it, she reckons that as I'm out with her, I should be the one to pay all the time. A month ago, I won £400, the money went into my bank account and I never told her. I've not had a holiday or even a few days away for over 10 years, so I thought about using some of the money for a short break. I suggested having a few days away in the Lake District, but she would have to go halves as I cannot afford to pay for all of it, she agreed and said she would transfer the money into my account. I booked the hotel and paid by credit card, despite several requests from me and several promises from her, she's still not given me the money. We go away on Tuesday and to be honest, I feel like just going on my my own and leaving her at home.
I've mulled this over in my head time and time again, I've hardly slept for the last two nights and it's really bugging me. So tonight, I called her up and asked her to transfer the money as I have to pay off my credit card, she told me she couldn't afford it. So I asked, "why did you agree to go when you knew you didn't have the funds"? She didn't answer. I then suggested that she paid for the food while we're away, she refused.
So I'm now wondering what to do. I'm very annoyed with myself for shelling out, before getting her share of the cost before booking and with her for refusing to cover the cost of the food.
What do I do?
Good morning all and thank you for the productive replies. I had another very unsettled night and sleep was hard to come by.
To answer a couple of questions and give you a little more insight into myself, she doesn't work as such, she's a carer for her uncle, but to be honest, he can manage on his own fine, I know him quite well now and I know he can do everything he needs to do to look after himself and live his own life. She on the other hand and I'm becoming more convinced, is a free loader who has found a chance to claim a/some benefit(s) and have an easy ride. I'm a very open person and because of an accident at work, I can no longer work, nor am I permitted to, so I live off a couple of benefits, I'd prefer to work and I enjoyed my job no end, but sadly, I cannot anymore and it does play on my mind. Because of the way I am, I've told her about what I get and how I manage. On a few occasions when she's asked if we can go here or go to there and I've mentioned the fact I cannot afford it that week or she'll have to help out to pay or cover the costs, she just says, "in that case, we'll go another time". To me that means, "I'm paying nothing, not now and not ever".
A couple of weeks ago, (after I'd booked the holiday), she offered to take me out for lunch and had booked a table at a popular Steakhouse, I happily agreed and thought this was a change in her behaviour, how wrong I was. I'm more of a savoury than sweet guy, so I had a small starter and main course, she's the other way and ordered a main and sweet, no problem, each to their own. I had my starter and as soon as the main courses arrived, she announced that she needed a favour from me, I said, "I'll help if I can, what is it?" She then told me that she didn't have the money to pay for the meal and would I pay for it and she would then pay me back, I sat back for a few seconds and my internal frustration and "I've been here before" senses kicked in. I could feel my anger building up inside and started to feel sick, I stood up, said, "excuse me, I need to go to the toilet", then I headed to the toilet and only just got there as what I'd just consumed came back up. After a couple of minutes, one of the serving staff came into the toilet to check on me and he found me hunched over the bowl, as white as a sheet and very shaky. After a couple of minutes, we went back into the room, but I asked if I could just sit at the back, so not to alert any of the other diners that I was ill and make them think it was what I'd eaten that had caused it. My GF came over and asked what had happened, still aware of the other diners and not wanting them to be affected, I led her into the reception between the front and inner doors, it was then I vented my spleen and told her what had upset me. She was blaise about it and didn't think it was an issue. I said, "if you invite me for lunch, then you will pay, I'm not, so you go back in there and tell them what you told me and try and explain your way out of this".
I went back inside and sat, trying to calm down with a glass of water, I was so annoyed, I couldn't hold the glass of water steady with both hands, most of it spilled on the carpet. She stood between the inner doors and I could see her leaning against the glass dividing wall and clearly she was thinking of a way to explain herself.
The manager came over to talk to me, asked what the problem was and if there was anything he could do, I simply told him I didn't feel well and didn't mention what had been discussed between myself and her. He for some reason apologised and said that there would be no charge for what we'd had and would we come back another time and dine with them with no charge as means of compensation. I thanked him and accepted his offer, but I will never ever take up the opportunity to go back and only because of the experience.
The manager helped me to my car and I sat in it, a few minutes later she came out and got in. When I get very upset and/or angry, I go very quiet, it's my way of coping and if I get to the point were I cannot keep in my anger, I have a meltdown and lthough it's not happened very many times in my 62 years on the planet, it's not nice when I do. I put my finger to my lips as a request for her to be quiet, started the car and drove back to her house, I got out, opened her door and she just sat there, I said, "would you get out of the car please and if you ever think of embarrassing me in public again, you'd better be prepared for the circumstances. Do not call me for a few days as I'm upset beyond anything you can comprehend and I need time to myself", she just nodded and walked away, I got in my car and came home.
I can't remember the drive home, not that I'd been drinking as I was only on soft drinks, but because of what I'd just gone through and my mind was trying to process, after I got in the house, I sat on the settee and broke down. I felt awful, after a couple of house, I realised I'd done nothing wrong, I was a victim of someone elses behaviour and it had taken down a dark path and not for the first time.
I had two seizures in late 2016 and these were caused by my ex, my neurologist told me another might kill me and I have no intention of letting someone else do this to me again, so thinking about what happened in the steakhouse, the way I'm feeling now and writing this down for others to read, I have to end the relationship with her.
She's no good for my health.
Hello Alan, sorry to hear you are in a difficult situation.
You have already answered the questions about whether you should break up or not - it is as clear as day to the rest of us. It can be hard to break the relationship for autists as a combination of the desire for valdation and chage of situation / routine is difficult for us.
I had a similar situation when I was in my 30s and it took me ages to actually make the decision known to my partner, and then it was only after taking ages detailing my escape plan and working through all the "what if" situations.
With all the dating apps these days you won't have trouble finding other partners so don't worry about being alone, just think that it is better to be single than in a relationship where the partner is bleeding you slowly dry.
My advice would be to take some time to work out the practicalities of the separation and just announce it - tell her why and just walk away.
There seems no hope for her character to change so second chances are really not worth it in this situation.
You are worth more than this.
I think you have made the correct decision, the word, parasite comes to mind. Who knows, you might meet a nice person on your trip.