Is she greedy or is it me?

I'm sorry to hear the allergic reaction spoiled your trip.

My reply is based on the practical aspects of your situation so apologies in advance if it isn't what you want to hear.

Do you suffer from allergic reactions often? The fact you had antihystimine with you makes me think this may be the case.

My wife has been suffering allergic reactions to stuff for 25 years so I've seen so many variations on the issue and may have some insight.

If you had a poor quality bottle of red wine it can often make your body go into a hyper sensitive mode if you are prone to allergies. I've seen this enough times to recognise the tell tale signs.

Once the body is digesting all the sulfites used to stabalise the wines then it can make your immune system respond in a way that it thinks it is under attack so when something like the chemicals in the bed clothes or sofa cleaning agents come in contact with your skin, your body thinks it is under attack and reacts with swelling, hives etc.

My wife goes through these sensitised times particularly after a period of significant stress (sounds like you are experiencing the same) and alcohol is a common trigger for her, especially red wine and beer.

She used highish doses of antihystimine to control the worst of it and has to avoid all the things that commonly trigger an allergic response  (most soap powders trigger her, even most non-bio ones) until it subsides. This can be weeks or months.

Gluten is another common trigger but 90% of the time she is fine with it in smallish doses.

IF this was the issue for you then it is nothing to do with the AirBnB people - just your body being hypersensitive, so you have no recourse from what I can see.

Just adding my perspective in case it is useful.

Oh dear that sounds awful. You're not having much luck at the moment are you.

Stress can exacerbate any existing sensory sensitivities or allergies you have.

I wonder if previous guests had a dog in the pod. Most places in the lake district seem to allow them these days and it can make hard for people with allergies to find suitable accommodation.

I'm not allergic but I cannot stand that 'wet dog' smell that often lingers long after the dog has gone. I stayed in a cottage in the lakes once where the sofa absolutely reeked of it. The owners were unhelpful, apart from providing a bottle of Febreeze which did not really help. I just tried to make the best of the week by avoiding going anywhere near that offensive sofa, hiking in the hills all day and going straight to bed.

I hope you do manage to get a refund. However I suspect it will be difficult if your doctor has indicated at allergic reaction rather than bites.

I'm assuming it was some sort of bed settee you were sitting on, as you mention the discussion about the bedding. Next time you go away you could take your own lightweight blanket to act as a throw to sit on the sofa or settee. You can also get lightweight sleeping bag liners you could carry with you for sleeping in, to protect against any harsh chemicals that may have been used on the sheets.

NAS88265 said:

Does anyone want any stress? Free to anyone.

I have enough of my own but thank you for your kind offer 

Hi everyone, I've not posted since my post as things have been very quiet and I decided to go for the holiday on my own. I got there on Tuesday afternoon for 5pm, I had the keycode to unlock the door, but this did not work. The phone number for the owner was included, so I called them to ask for help, 2 hours later they arrived and seemed to be unhappy about my having to call them. They tried the key code, but it wouldn't work, the husband suggested he went back up to the farm for a spare key, 30 minutes later he returned with the key, the door opened, I thanked him and walked in to my own little paradise (or so I thought).  I carried my bags from the car, only a ten yard journey and on flat ground. I wasn't hungry, so opened a bottle of red wine and had a glass while watching the sun go down and the colours of the hillsides and field change till the light faded and I went to bed.

I woke up feeling very itchy after only an hour of sleep, I took an antihistamine and had a shower, neither helped my condition. I spent the rest of the night, pacing the floor and scratching profusely.  I walked outside and along the lane to the farm, but this started the dog barking, so I walked the other way to the main road and back, I did this several times, but I was now feeling rather distressed and annoyed.  At 8am, I called the owners again, waited 2 hours for an answer and as with the previous night, when she turned up, she didn't seem very happy. We had a chat and she told me they have a housekeeper who looks after the pods. She made a call, the housekeeper duly arrived and another conversation took place.  The housekeeper outlined how she cleaned after the previous guests leave and shat happens with the bedding. This is done by an outside company who wash and return the bedding for the 4 cabins, but they've never had any issue and it was suggested I might have had an allergic reaction.  The bedding was changed, while I drove to the nearest village to get something to try and calm the itching/redness.   The pharmacist suggested a cream called Eurax, so I bought a tube and returned to the pod. After another shower and applied the cream the best I could, I put on a pair of shorts, made a coffee, sat on the settee and admired the view.  Within seconds my Iegs started itching where they had touched the settee, even after applying the cream. I was at a loss as to what I could do, but my skin began to tingle even more, but the worst was around the ears and scalp. I put up with this for an hour and called the owners again, when they arrived, I was stood outside in nothing but my shorts.  By now I'd had enough, I told them I was not willing to stay and have to endure the torture and asked what they could offer me or were willing to do. The other pods were occupied, so not available, so I said, "I cannot deal with this, so I'm going home. I can understand that this is the Lake District and but inside the accomodation should  the weather can be dodgy, but the inside of my accomodation shouldn't have any adverse effect on me".  The owners looked at each other, then walked away, so I got dressed, loaded up my car and left the keys on the lock as they had requested.

I got home at 1.30 yesterday afternoon and contacted the company I'd booked the pod through to request a refund. I was told that they would contact the owners and get back to me. If the owners are as I think, I'll be getting nothing, so I'm going to contact my credit card company and ask for a refund that way.

Despite 2 more showers and a visit to my doctors, I'm still itching, but there's no bite marks from any insects, so this would suggest to me and the confirmation from my doctor that I'd suffered from some kind of reaction from inside the pod.  She also offered to confirm my visit and diagnosis if there was anything requested by the owners/letting agency.

I can't win, what was supposed to be the very thing to help me destress and give me peace of mind, has given me worse and more.

Does anyone want any stress? Free to anyone.

As a woman, I definitely think your decision to call time on the relationship was a wise move indeed.

If she was genuinely struggling financially and had been too embarrassed to tell you, then I would possibly feel some sympathy for her, especially if she had tried to repay your financial generosity by doing kind deeds for you. As it is, there has been an assumption on her part that your role within that relationship was to pay for everything, even when you had made it abundantly clear that weren't in a position to do so. 

As she never once offered to pay for a coffee, I'm guessing that she also never contributed anything toward the cost of your petrol either.

Whilst it might not seem like it happened soon enough for your liking, I think you have definitely dodged a bullet there. Not a pleasant experience for you, so you have my sympathies.

I hope you are doing ok x

Good morning all, I'm now single and my head is in a much better place. She is calling me worse than sh*t and accused me of stringing her along, I was polite when I spoke to her and wasn't nasty or verbally abusive, I simply stated my feelings, concerns and doubts about her intentions. I'm as honest as the day is long and cannot live my life with uncertainty and doubts about someone, I don't sleep well well as it is and if I'm constantly questioning someone elses motives and my worries, I simply do nothing but worry and put myself through hell and at risk of further damage to my health. 

She can do what she wants, but it's going to be without me, she can promise the world to me and offer to do this, that or the other, but I'm not falling for that.  I'm done and that's it, trust is hard to gain and so easy to lose, plus when you have a condition that puts you at risk from uncrupulous or devious people, you have to be very wary and trust your gut, if you have any concerns and are not sure about the actions of someone, ask the opinion of/a friend(s) or seek help from others in the same position.

Thank you all.

Alan.

Yes….run for the Autumn trees!

Reminder of rule 5

"Be nice to one another and enjoy chatting with others. We encourage conversation and respectful debate; please be aware that individuals may give opinions which are not shared by other members. Insulting posts or comments making personal jibes will not be tolerated."

Hello Alan, sorry to hear you are in a difficult situation.

You have already answered the questions about whether you should break up or not - it is as clear as day to the rest of us. It can be hard to break the relationship for autists as a combination of the desire for valdation and chage of situation / routine is difficult for us.

I had a similar situation when I was in my 30s and it took me ages to actually make the decision known to my partner, and then it was only after taking ages detailing my escape plan and working through all the "what if" situations.

With all the dating apps these days you won't have trouble finding other partners so don't worry about being alone, just think that it is better to be single than in a relationship where the partner is bleeding you slowly dry.

My advice would be to take some time to work out the practicalities of the separation and just announce it - tell her why and just walk away.

There seems no hope for her character to change so second chances are really not worth it in this situation.

You are worth more than this.

Like someone already said, dump her. Im female. What a Co•! Can you go on your own and enjoy yourself? We ND oeople are kind, genirous, open and honest. Your too good for her. X

Alan. See if "Autumn trees" fancies a holiday with you instead..

Hi Alan - welcome to the forum! 

I am a female and I take it very seriously to make sure I always *at least* pay half, although in all honesty I usually am happier paying for the whole meal/drinks etc, because I hate the awkwardness of splitting a bill. 

I don't have a lot of money, and even less 'spare' money, so I will often say no to invitations or carefully plan a trip out to a restaurant to fall when I can afford it, but I'd simply never dream of agreeing to something that I can't afford to do or worse EXPECT someone else to pay. 

It sounds like she's up to no good here and I'm sorry you've fallen in with someone who takes this approach to life. You sound like a nice, honest man and you deserve someone who is going to treat you properly. 

run for your life mate. The ***** is not worth the hassle 

[Edited by Moderator]

She’s using you. Go on holiday alone. And don’t take her calls or respond to texts. If you really must message her, simply say ‘get a job’ !

I think you have made the correct decision, the word, parasite comes to mind. Who knows, you might meet a nice person on your trip.

Good morning all and thank you for the productive replies. I had another very unsettled night and sleep was hard to come by.

To answer a couple of questions and give you a little more insight into myself, she doesn't work as such, she's a carer for her uncle, but to be honest, he can manage on his own fine, I know him quite well now and I know he can do everything he needs to do to look after himself and live his own life. She on the other hand and I'm becoming more convinced, is a free loader who has found a chance to claim a/some benefit(s) and have an easy ride.  I'm a very open person and because of an accident at work, I can no longer work, nor am I permitted to, so I live off a couple of benefits, I'd prefer to work and I enjoyed my job no end, but sadly, I cannot anymore and it does play on my mind.  Because of the way I am, I've told her about what I get and how I manage. On a few occasions when she's asked if we can go here or go to there and I've mentioned the fact I cannot afford it that week or she'll have to help out to pay or cover the costs, she just says, "in that case, we'll go another time". To me that means, "I'm paying nothing, not now and not ever".

A couple of weeks ago, (after I'd booked the holiday), she offered to take me out for lunch and had booked a table at a popular  Steakhouse, I happily agreed and thought this was a change in her behaviour, how wrong I was.  I'm more of a savoury than sweet guy, so I had a small starter and main course, she's the other way and ordered a main and sweet, no problem, each to their own. I had my starter and as soon as the main courses arrived, she announced that she needed a favour from me, I said, "I'll help if I can, what is it?" She then told me that she didn't have the money to pay for the meal and would I pay for it and she would then pay me back, I sat back for a few seconds and my internal frustration and "I've been here before" senses kicked in. I could feel my anger building up inside and started to feel sick, I stood up, said, "excuse me, I need to go to the toilet", then I headed to the toilet and only just got there as what I'd just consumed came back up. After a couple of minutes, one of the serving staff came into the toilet to check on me and he found me hunched over the bowl, as white as a sheet and very shaky. After a couple of minutes, we went back into the room, but I asked if I could just sit at the back, so not to alert any of the other diners that I was ill and make them think it was what I'd eaten that had caused it. My GF came over and asked what had happened, still aware of the other diners and not wanting them to be affected, I led her into the reception between the front and inner doors, it was then I vented my spleen and told her what had upset me. She was blaise about it and didn't think it was an issue. I said, "if you invite me for lunch, then you will pay, I'm not, so you go back in there and tell them what you told me and try and explain your way out of this".

I went back inside and sat, trying to calm down with a glass of water, I was so annoyed, I couldn't hold the glass of water steady with both hands, most of it spilled on the carpet. She stood between the inner doors and I could see her leaning against the glass dividing wall and clearly she was thinking of a way to explain herself.

The manager came over to talk to me, asked what the problem was and if there was anything he could do, I simply told him I didn't feel well and didn't mention what had been discussed between myself and her.  He for some reason apologised and said that there would be no charge for what we'd had and would we come back another time and dine with them with no charge as means of compensation. I thanked him and accepted his offer, but I will never ever take up the opportunity to go back and only because of the experience.

The manager helped me to my car and I sat in it, a few minutes later she came out and got in.  When I get very upset and/or angry, I go very quiet, it's my way of coping and if I get to the point were I cannot keep in my anger, I have a meltdown and lthough it's not happened very many times in my 62 years on the planet, it's not nice when I do. I put my finger to my lips as a request for her to be quiet, started the car and drove back to her house, I got out, opened her door and she just sat there, I said, "would you get out of the car please and if you ever think of embarrassing me in public again, you'd better be prepared for the circumstances. Do not call me for a few days as I'm upset beyond anything you can comprehend and I need time to myself", she just nodded and walked away, I got in my car and came home. 

I can't remember the drive home, not that I'd been drinking as I was only on soft drinks, but because of what I'd just gone through and my mind was trying to process, after I got in the house, I sat on the settee and broke down. I felt awful, after a couple of house, I realised I'd done nothing wrong, I was a victim of someone elses behaviour and it had taken down a dark path and not for the first time.

I had two seizures in late 2016 and these were caused by my ex, my neurologist told me another might kill me and I have no intention of letting someone else do this to me again, so thinking about what happened in the steakhouse, the way I'm feeling now and writing this down for others to read, I have to end the relationship with her.

She's no good for my health.

It seems that you are being taken advantage of and you are starting to recognise that.

I suspect the situation is coming to a head regardless if you take her with you or not. You really don't want the trip to be spoilt by tension and potential arguments over the financial arrangements.

I would say go alone and try to put the situation out of your mind as far as possible while you are there. The Lake District is wonderful and I hope you enjoy it.

Hi and sorry you are going through this, I don’t know why but autistic people seem to be more manipulated than neurotypicals. I think you are being used and if it was me I would end the relationship and go on holiday on my own. Obviously because of what happened previously you are going to be more cautious but this is actually a form of abuse. On another note, when your children leave home, obviously if they are able to, I would start the process of selling the family home. You won’t have to struggle so much and feel so vulnerable as retirement draws  closer.

This doesn't sound kind or fair to me.

It's relevant, so I just wondered what her income is.

Is she around the same place as you financially?

I've had a couple of very stressful holidays with partners where things weren't right, so if you are unsure about this, going alone might be best but of course, if you do that, that may bring the situation to a head for you with regard to your relationship.

All the very best with this.

Dump her. She's clearly taking advantage of you and your vulnerability. Unfortunately this happens a lot to people with a disability. People think they can treat you anyhow and its not fair. She's a grown adult and not your responsibility. This sounds like financial abuse and its not cool. Do not feel sorry for her either as she uses that to her advantage and will continue to exploit you.