Act like someone else

Only since my recent ASD diagnosis have I realised just how much I am masking. I have to do it to get through work, when out in public, and on the very rare occasion when I socialise. I can see now that I've become rather adept at it over the years, to the point where most people I know believe my alter ego is the real me. I'm mostly ok with this and can keep up the charade when required but it can become a problem when I find myself in a situation where I am amongst people whose behaviour I find upsetting. Perfect example - I went for a long walk alone this morning out in the quiet countryside as I regularly do, but when I reached the beach near my home there were lots of people about which immediately puts me on edge. A family group were walking towards me with their dog off the lead and it ran straight towards me, soaking wet from obviously having been in the sea, and tried to jump up me with wet sandy paws until the owner shouted its name very loudly to stop it. The first thing I need to say is that I love dogs and don't fear them at all so that was not the problem. The issue I had was that these people had no control over their dog. They, and may others, just assume that other people don't mind their dog's errant behaviour. They easily laugh it off without a care. When it happened I felt so angry at them, and would normally exchange very strong words in telling them so. I wanted to call them ignorant, inconsiderate, morons, and in the past would have done, but I'm trying really hard to curb my meltdowns at the moment so simply gave them a hard stare and shake of the head in passing. I hate that their behaviour caused me to feel this way, and I hate that my mask slipped off so easily as a result. While I was immersed in nature with nobody around to have to pretend to I felt wonderful. So happy and carefree being my true self. I know these people didn't set out this morning with the intention of upsetting me, but in some strange way that just makes it harder to rationalise my reaction. Why does something most people would find trivial cause me such tension? I guess we're all looking for answers to those sort of questions.

Only since my recent ASD diagnosis have I realised just how much I am masking. I have to do it to get through work, when out in public, and on the very rare occasion when I socialise. I can see now that I've become rather adept at it over the years, to the point where most people I know believe my alter ego is the real me. I'm mostly ok with this and can keep up the charade when required but it can become a problem when I find myself in a situation where I am amongst people whose behaviour I find upsetting. Perfect example - I went for a long walk alone this morning out in the quiet countryside as I regularly do, but when I reached the beach near my home there were lots of people about which immediately puts me on edge. A family group were walking towards me with their dog off the lead and it ran straight towards me, soaking wet from obviously having been in the sea, and tried to jump up me with wet sandy paws until the owner shouted its name very loudly to stop it. The first thing I need to say is that I love dogs and don't fear them at all so that was not the problem. The issue I had was that these people had no control over their dog. They, and may others, just assume that other people don't mind their dog's errant behaviour. They easily laugh it off without a care. When it happened I felt so angry at them, and would normally exchange very strong words in telling them so. I wanted to call them ignorant, inconsiderate, morons, and in the past would have done, but I'm trying really hard to curb my meltdowns at the moment so simply gave them a hard stare and shake of the head in passing. I hate that their behaviour caused me to feel this way, and I hate that my mask slipped off so easily as a result. While I was immersed in nature with nobody around to have to pretend to I felt wonderful. So happy and carefree being my true self. I know these people didn't set out this morning with the intention of upsetting me, but in some strange way that just makes it harder to rationalise my reaction. Why does something most people would find trivial cause me such tension? I guess we're all looking for answers to those sort of questions.

Twitch said:

I hate that their behaviour caused me to feel this way, and I hate that my mask slipped off so easily as a result.

An honest question here and no judgement.

Do you think you may have anger management issues?

The reason I ask is that you express anger at the family because of your emotional response. Had it been a case that you were angry at them because of the dogs behaviour then this would be a normal response for someone with an issue with out of control dogs.

It may seem like splitting hairs but if I read this right, your anger was because your self control slipped and you directed this anger at them.

The reason I believe it worth reflecting on this is that it may indicate an area for self analysis (or better, with a therapist) to give you more emotional control when the unexpected happens and potentially give you more control over the factors that lead to meltdowns.

Twitch said:

Why does something most people would find trivial cause me such tension? I guess we're all looking for answers to those sort of questions.

This is what my comment above is looking towards - no criticism is intended.

The obvious answer would be sensory overload. It is understandable and you don't need to blame yourself.

I encounter the same thing when I am out of my walks and I hate it. I'm fine with dogs as long as they don't start barking or jumping up at me. 

I am extremely sensitive to noise and some types of dog barking is sensory torture for me. Then add in the owners yelling at their out of control dog it becomes instant sensory overload which can trigger a meltdown.

I am also sensitive to touch and I certainly don't want a dogs dirty muddy paws on me. We shouldn't have to put up with that and people can be very entitled about their dogs. 

Like you I can be immersed in nature and totally relaxed and happy. Then whenever I see off lead dogs approaching I immediately tense because I know what is likely to happen.