Terrified of work

Yes, well. There's a lot to say about the misconception that library work is peaceful and that librarians spend a lot of time reading books and learning stuff when a lot of time can be spent doing customer service work. I used to have a nice balance of reference library management, local history enquiries, managing home library service, and youth library services, as well as covering leave for small village libraries in our district. The down side was working every other Saturday when we had thousands of customers use the library and it was all user interaction all day long. The public can be very difficult to deal with even if you're not autistic. For me it was worth one day of discomfort to be able to do a job I loved the rest of the time. 

I agree identifying potential difficulties can be a way to manage stress but Billy doesn't have a diagnosis yet so doesn't have the right to ask for "reasonable adjustments". That's why I asked if he can look how to break the day in to manageable sections and try to get regular breaks from customer interaction while he is adjusting to the new role and learning the ropes. I think about this a lot myself at the moment - how to ask for specific tweaks without saying "I'm autistic", which most people don't get anyway. Things like "I need to be somewhere quiet to work on this and focus" or "I'm finding I can't complete this task with constant interruptions. Could I go somewhere quiet to finish it? I know I can get it done quicker that way " or "I don't mind shelving/repairing books if that needs doing " is much more helpful and specific than "I'm autistic and I struggle with customer interaction". It's worth trying - if it works then great, if not then at least you tried and then you can try something else to manage. There are many parts to starting a new job that are potential difficulties - finding your way around a new place, meeting new people, a new sensory environment, learning new social rules of the group (all groups operate differently and have unspoken rules and ways of being that can be difficult for us to pick up on), learning new skills specific to the role, and dealing with change which is particularly difficult for us. When you break it down it's no wonder that all those things together are a challenge. 

Sorry you had to stop working in libraries, Luftmentsch. It sounds like the cataloguing job was a good fit for you. I'm still trying to find a job that I can find as much satisfaction from but that doesn't burn me out. It's not easy, is it?

I gained funding for this when I was working but it came through within the same time I didnt pass my probabation period as I wasnt suited to the job. You do get a lot of support offered so perhaps its worth applying for. From memory the employer paid for it then they were reimbursed by the government. I had massive sensory issues so they offered noise cancelling headphones, a mentor in the workplace, technology on my work PC to help with reading text and how to negoiate reasonable adjustments. Unfortunalty I identified emotional dysregualtion issues while working with young people, I felt unsafe and triggered so I left. I came to the conclusion that the support would only help in a job that I could manage my environment and didnt work closely with people with complex needs (like myself). It souds like a library would be quite soothing for someone with anxiety. I wish you the very best. 

You have been living with your own coping mechanisms in a job for such a long time that you’ve forgotten just how much change can overwhelm you. 
Not only have you changed career, you should take realise you’ve also changed the route to work, the times you work, the times you eat, the times you get ready, the people you interact with, the work you do, how you think….the list of changes relating to one big life event are endless, and it’s a lot to process,

Be gentle with yourself, and take it an hour at a time. Don’t worry about what might happen long term, because you need to focus on the now. The process of adjustment is a slow one for us, but you’re entirely capable, even if it doesn’t feel like it at the moment.

My experience of librarianship was that a lot depends on the library. I did fine in a small, higher education library where much of my job was cataloguing and I had little user interaction. Unfortunately, I burnt out and had to leave. Then I got a job in an enormous further education library with significant amounts of user interaction, a noisy environment (!), difficult students and occasional antisemitism. I burnt out there too, but struggled through until my boss more or less told me that she had no confidence in my ability to do my job and was changing it to something more user-focused (!! I wasn't diagnosed autistic at this stage, but still). I've had a couple of short-term library jobs since then, but failed to progress my career any further and am now not in the library sector (also in a bad-fit role, but good enough to struggle through for now).

My point is that a lot depends on environment and the level of support you get from colleagues and managers. Maybe you can think about this and look at adjustments you might ask for?

Have you come across ACCESS TO WORK as they provide in work support to help to manage health conditions.

www.gov.uk/access-to-work

I'm sorry you're feeling this way but hey great job on getting this far and actually doing it. That takes a lot of courage and strength so well done you. I think it's natural to be feeling this way, it's not an easy thing to adjust to not I think you will adjust to the new routine. It just takes time. Make sure you take out plenty of time to unwind and chill. And we're here for you as in when you need any support :) 

P.s. I’ve worked with quite a few former teachers who became librarians instead and it saved their sanity and healed them from past stress. I’ve never heard one of them regret the change and wish it reversed. But it also took them time to unclench their fists a bit - so used were they to preparing for battle each day. Your stress and anxiety could be something like ptsd that finally has room (in a less stressful - if not stress free (it is a job after all!) work life) to make itself felt in the contrast. Like lingering background radiation. I think it will largely fade. Steadily. I hope so. 

Congrats on the librarian job Billy! I think your instincts are right and that it will suit you well (though don’t feel any pressure that it ‘must’) It’s just that adjustment takes longer for us when big change, even if positive, occurs. May I ask if it’s a public library or an academic one? In the case of the latter, this time of year is a time of respite and welcome going down a gear or two, but I can imagine that *starting* in that more fallow time might be unsettling as it’s not entirely business as usual and the place might be off it’s usual rhythms if that makes sense. 
 
I’ve noticed that even things I’ve looked forward to, like Christmas, it takes me a day to properly settle into - there’s a kind of ‘make the most of it’ factor that makes the clock tick too loud too early in one’s head. And then there’s that second half of the holiday where I’m finally caught up to the state of total relaxation everyone else got to right at the start of the holiday, but I’ve kind of squandered the time a bit. It’s hard to articulate entirely accurately what I mean. But maybe the gist is that what’s good and right for us can feel unsettling too, like the oxygen is too rich. But you will acclimatise in time I think. Hopefully a week, a month, two months from now, you’ll be in a trusted routine where you know the ropes and the rhythms of the place and can be more at peace, aligned to a job that might very well be the needed ideal if you’re still to work at all. 

new unfamiliar places and situations can cause anxiety, alongside new people and social interactions your not familiar with causing social anxiety. its likely just anxiety.

lucky its a library, it should be quiet and have less people bothering you and less demand or expectation. although i guess the quietness and probably lack of things to do will have you on edge and always thinking you may get told off for not having anything to do lol

Hi Billy, 

I was a librarian for years. If it's any help I had blinding headaches every evening for the first 2 weeks of starting work. There is a lot to learn and of course, back then, I was masking even to myself that I was having sensory issues. If you can, I found going shelving was a break from doing the customer service parts, and shelving/tidying the reference library was the quietest place to take a break from feeling overwhelmed. If you can work out what you are struggling with I may have some ideas to help. Let me know if you're working full time or part time and what your typical work day looks like. Whoever is training you  should understand that it's overwhelming at times so don't feel like you can't speak up and ask to do something less demanding. Some people don't like doing the jobs they consider mundane, like repairs and shelving, so they may actually appreciate if you offer to do that. Also, get out for your lunch break otherwise you have to make conversation with colleagues and don't get a break at all. It does get easier and if you can stick it out then it can suit autistic people. I loved it and only left because I was made redundant. 

As far as depressive-attacks go, it’s never a good idea to prompt others to relive the moments of their disbelief, instead it is better to either reassure them that it will pass (it will pass!), to listen to them (which I have, I’ve read every character, and understand completely), and to distract them with items of their psyche which they can fathom; the latter is the hardest to do over a thread with a stranger:’D
I would recommend that the more that you can knit what you love into your life, and work, the less likely you will bend to despair or disbelief and [insert superlative here] in a given moment.  
Try not to where the ‘mask’, try to use the lens that got you to where you are, don’t equip the mask that got the anxieties that you have today. What makes you feel good: Anime, YouTube, Exercise, Esteemed-people, talking to like-minded people? Use the salve you’ve used before, don’t use the mask of expectation and perfection.. just remember who you are and don’t betray yourself to the image you feel others need to see..

Maybe things are more heightened because you have been so exhausted. It'll get better, it's getting into a new routine and won't be like this forever. I'm sure it'll be a more suitable job and environment for you so will be worth riding it out. Best of luck!

I felt the same way whenever I had jobs in my twenties. Now, I just accept that I can't get a job which would, financially, sustain me.

Congrats on being a legend and taking steps forward you should feel pride in yourself

My advice, get used to your new daily routines, take solace in their reliability and comfort in your control of them.

You can do this.

Most importantly, do a 10 min guided meditation each morning before you do anything else. This singular practice has change me in ways I don't understand.

Breathe, deeply, and as slowly as you can. The rest will follow

Congratulations on your courage in changing despite the feelings of aversion to change.

I am still in my job with a lot of feelings of being imprisoned in a way of life and wasting my talent.

I am so afraid of change I don’t want to risk it. 

it looks easy on paper but I come up with excuses as to why I shouldn’t do things that involve change. 

Well done for moving forwards Billy.  I dislike fundamental change ... it takes time for me to acclimatize ... perhaps you just need to ride out the weirdness for a bit ... accept it as "normal" for you? ... acknowledge that it is just frigging tiring getting into a new "thing."

It will get easier I'm sure ... and less tiring mate.

Hang tough.

Number

Billy87 said:

I have had so much fear every morning and evening and at the end of lunch breaks about going back.

Do you think you may have an imposter syndrome? It is quite common when changing career that you subliminaly feel you are a fraud, that you shouldn't be doing the job because you don't know it well enough etc.

Just a thought.

The main thing to getting through this is to focus on the positives and try to dismiss the unfounded fears you have - much easier said than done of course, but each day you continue to do the job, learn more and establish yourself is another achievement to wave in the face of the irrational fears.