Published on 12, July, 2020
I put this down to my low confidence/self-esteem. I feel guilty about this, but I would be under the belief that my own friends wouldn't fully appreciate me until I had something incredible to impress them with.
I realise now that they did like me for who I was and I didn't appreciate it at the time. Even the most chronic people pleaser wouldn't travel 120 miles to see someone if they didn't want to (I hope not anyway).
I guess I just wanted someone to look me in the eyes (well, if they were autistic too, maybe not!) and tell me that I am enough.
I am 40 and just now looking into the autism diagnosis because I stumbled across some stuff. It kind of bother me though because I have also always felt like I needed to prove myself. Now that I am talking to my loved ones about this possibility they seem open more to understanding some things.
Why did it take me pointing this out? If people are all indivuals with specific likes and dislikes (which they are) then why not just accept me as I am?
I am working feeling good enough regardless of others and that is part if what led me here. I mean why should we always learn their ways? In interpersonal relationships I think each person should learn the other without judgement.
I wish it was more straight-forward. I've never been good at standing up for myself so if someone tells me that I am something, I'd just go along with it regardless of how true it might be.
It's really tough if you feel like you're always the one doing things incorrectly. I challenge you to think about how many different was can be "correct" in some scenarios. For example, I don't like fried eggs. I like mine scrambled. I am not okay if someone gives me a fried egg and I won't eat it. However, liking eggs that I don't is perfectly ok or "correct."
You don't have to prove to anybody that something about you is ok. You can just know inside yourself and then it's easier to insist on people accepting you individually. If you know you're ok then you can just passively be you and let it the people deal with their own adjustment.
This wouldn't apply all the time. There is some give and take in relationships but you and the other person/people get to define those rules so you have equal say there too.
This is what I've been told and it seems to be true when you do it. However. It's so hard to actually do consistently so don't think I am out it the world feeling confident regularly. I am working on it and doing my best when I can.
Yeah. I definitely placed a lot of pressure on myself to hold friendships together and present a certain version of me to other people (to name a few examples) and I don't feel any better for it.
My insecurities probably didn't help. All the time it was like "why do my friends like me" or "what do I offer to people" and I think that ended up driving the friends I had away too. Coupled with the validation I was seeking.
But like you say, all I can do is work on it.