Published on 12, July, 2020
I put this down to my low confidence/self-esteem. I feel guilty about this, but I would be under the belief that my own friends wouldn't fully appreciate me until I had something incredible to impress them with.
I realise now that they did like me for who I was and I didn't appreciate it at the time. Even the most chronic people pleaser wouldn't travel 120 miles to see someone if they didn't want to (I hope not anyway).
I guess I just wanted someone to look me in the eyes (well, if they were autistic too, maybe not!) and tell me that I am enough.
I am 40 and just now looking into the autism diagnosis because I stumbled across some stuff. It kind of bother me though because I have also always felt like I needed to prove myself. Now that I am talking to my loved ones about this possibility they seem open more to understanding some things.
Why did it take me pointing this out? If people are all indivuals with specific likes and dislikes (which they are) then why not just accept me as I am?
I am working feeling good enough regardless of others and that is part if what led me here. I mean why should we always learn their ways? In interpersonal relationships I think each person should learn the other without judgement.
I wish it was more straight-forward. I've never been good at standing up for myself so if someone tells me that I am something, I'd just go along with it regardless of how true it might be.