Published on 12, July, 2020
prewarning, this is a little long and thank you for advance for reading.
for context, my mum adopted me and is NT so doesn't exactly relate to my struggles as a ND person. she does have a few conditions that disables her though, so one would think there would be a bit more understanding.
Since my ADHD diagnosis about a year ago, I have been learning more about it and learning new ways to help and understand myself better. i now understand what i cant and can't do, and what i need to do in moderation as i now understand the consequences. for example, if i have a super busy day which is primarily outside, I definitely enjoy myself but I know now that I need the day after to recover from all of the sensory stimulation.
I have also recently learned that I most probably have autism. my bio-sister was diagnosed with it a while ago but never thought much of it other than "That makes sense". it was bought up to me by an Audhd person asking when i was diagnosed with autism as they knew i had a late diagnosis of ADHD. I was taken aback by their comment and informed them that i didn't have such a diagnosis which they were very surprised by. we then began talking about our symptoms and yada yada. they were more informed than me at the time and talked me through what traits were ahdh, which were autism and what overlapped.
since this conversation i have done significant research (hyper fixating over the past 3 weeks lol) which I know isn't very long but.. everything i have ever experienced all. makes. sense.
like literally everything makes sense, i feel validated in my experiences, i don't hate myself anymore, i understand the reasons for so many things that have caused me hardship.
back to the point of this, I explained to my mum that i believed i had autism. she was very against this as I don't have Stereotypical autistic traits and have what is known as female-presenting traits. I would be classed as a high camouflaging/masking with low needs profile.
i explained the traits but she's still not budging and is really against labels. since being home after coming back from university, i have found things very difficult. all of my stims that i usually do during my safe spaces in uni (in my room or at my boyfriend's), i have been continuing at home since in my head, home is my safe space. however, my mum has been commenting in an irritated way or "why are you fighting?" "why are you rocking like that? you look like you have something that's wrong with you, you never use to do that." and overall just commenting on anything "not normal" or "not the usual" which for her, is me masking which is something i was unknowingly doing in the past.
this obviously hurts a little and I'm trying to tone it down a bit from her because her conditions make it a bit difficult for her to be able to handle my stims which i can understand and appreciate. equally, i don't want to stop entirely because i think she will think i can control all of this which obviously i can but actually im happy stemming and I've realised it helps me regulate myself and self sooth.
she also dismisses the whole "masking" thing as "everyone has to mask sometimes" i know that she doesn't fully understand it and im really struggling to try and explain it to her without getting a similar reply.
im going for a follow up tomorrow for ADHD medication which she also isn't too big of a fan of since i "cope perfectly well" while that might be true, and I'm aware that I'm privileged to be able to cope better than others might, i still struggle, but then she will say that "everyone struggles" which i am also aware of but its not to the same extent or necessarily same duration.
she seems to think that i don't belive everyone struggles, which of course I am aware of and completely empathetic of, but the thing is... i don't need to be. just because i am "surviving perfectly fine on my own" (her words) doesn't mean that I shouldn't try something that might allow me to be able to live a little rather than just survive. it might even mean that my boyfriend doesn't have to pick up all my little pieces for me.
really, i just want to best communicate to her what im experiencing isn't what "everyone" experiences. i just feel so invalidated but maybe I'm being unreasonable? im not sure.
I was really hoping is someone could recommend any books that could help explain how what neurodiverse people experience isn't what "everyone experiences and does" i so desperately want her to understand me and for her to know that i am aware of others' experiences and I just don't know how to do that.
i don't have enough knowledge yet nor the right words to be able to communicate it so I'm hoping with a little direction from suggestions, i can domore research in that area to then disect and give to her.
i know part of this was a vent but i really would appreciate some direction and advice
Wow. Learning that she's a professional herself changes things. Maybe it's adding to the situation the complication that she might actually think that she knows better about you than yourself. It might be the case with lot of her clients.. very tough situation here.
Maybe stay true to yourself, persistent with being true to yourself. I mean, not take a step back towards masking but a step forward towards your truth no matters how hard it is for her to see now, maybe with time she'll realise that it's actually real.
It's very hard when the invalidation comes from family. Maybe explain to her your sensory needs or social difficulties or verbal communications difficulties (lights, noises, touches, certain visuals, certain foods, small talks, cocktail parties ext...) If you experience something in those areas, let her know in details. Those experiences, as I know, are specific to autism and don't overlap with many other conditions.
Thank you for replying.
She use to be a therapist and specialised in families with a lot of “special needs” kids. She knows about nurodiverse and is all about letting me know that I’m normal just wired differently.
The issue that I’m having is that she’s inforcing this so much that actually, I feel invalidated and my issues are burned down to the fact that “everyone experiences it” it’s not that she doesn’t nessisarily understand, it’s that she doesn’t really see how it makes me any different.
I’ll take your advice and try and take the route of me just being more authentic to myself, maybe that would make her feel better.
she just doesn’t want it to be who I am ig. But tbh.. I’m so happy to know that’s who I am. I’m really comfortable and happy saying yeah, me feeling the way I have the entire time wasn’t me being weird or odd or wrong, My brain is just autistic, and that’s okay.
im sure it’ll be fine eventually, when and if I get a diognosis. :)
I can somehow relate. I'm not a parent but I'm guessing that for some parents it's hard to admit that their beloved kid has a "problem" or a "disability" as they see it.
My mom wasn't against my self-diagnousis because she doesn't know about it yet. She was against my needs and preferences. She never understood why I prefer what I prefer, as stimming, being alone, not looking in people's eyes, not socialising or talking much, wearing practical things rather than beautiful things ext... She was against all that and we had many fights about me wanting to be who I am and that she has to accept it. She still doesn't understand and she might never will. She also views autism as black or white thing and not aware that it's a spectrum.
I think maybe start with teaching her that autism doesn't mean that you are different than what she knew you to be, but maybe it allows you to be more authentic with her. It could be tough to see the child that you used to see changing. Maybe assure her that you aren't changing, you are just being more you. Maybe a professional needs to explain to her that it's a spectrum and autistic people aren't all the same, that there's no stereotype or one way they could be, that women present it differently. Or to help her view your autism as a different neurotype and doesn't mean that her kid is "broken" but it means that her kid is special. Maybe she needs a professional or some authority to talk to her. Parents sometimes think that they know better than us and that we are going through a "phase" that's why a professional help her to actually start listening.. she definitely needs to learn a lot. I think it's also good to be prepared to the option that she might never accept it!!. Best of luck!