Published on 12, July, 2020
I am at my wits end with my boyfriend. He has no official diagnosis other than dispraxia and dyslexia but am sure he is autistic. We have been an item for two and a half years. We are both in our early 20’s. He is for the most part loving and lavishes attention on me but has no idea of when he has upset me. He feels we argue all the time and we don’t , or if we do it’s little spats I feel. However if I retaliate if he says something nasty to me and I apologise he will bring it up weeks later. he has to go away to work and when the opportunity first came I told him to go for it and he told me he was glad I had been so supportive as it made the decision easier for him. however it’s coming close to him going and nothing I can do is right. He over me suggesting a type of car as he has to get a small runaround at the new place. He went so mad he threw me out of the house and locked the door. When he slammed the door he caught my foot and I swore at him but apologised immediately. He appeared to accept it and we talked through out the day . I asked him to come to my parents for food and he flipped again .. he has to keep a vertical weight for his job . I said forget I said anything . He then thought I was being sarcastic and flipped again telling me he was so stressed and I was making him more stressed and that he hates me and wishes he never met me. This was all over the phone I was crying, he did not react only to say he didn’t want to speak to me. I love him very much and have only ever supported him. I apologise if I am in the wrong. He told me he was a little nervous about the job but nothing more. He only seems to take advice from his dad. Help please
I can totally relate to this , my husband is autistic and it can be so very similar to what you are describing and it is hard x
Then he is too easily stressed.
Probably best to part ways.
Thanks for your reply - no nothing in my past .. I don’t think I am easily upset. He flipped and pushed me out of the house and locked the door . That’s a little bit of an upsetting thing for.me
I would get ratty, myself, and have been accused of upset.
He may need more time to process his thoughts. I, for one, can't stand the heat of the moment; under pressure.
People, in general, are too easily upset. We don't know how to deal with hurt and disappointment. Was there something negative, that happened, in your past?
Best to explain your side, to him. And don't place him on the spot.
Speaking as an autistic male I can confirm that I struggle to understand what upsets women. If I encounter a situation when a specific thing is known to upset someone in my life then I file that away under "things not to do around that person", but it you react to something new/different or are inconsistent then it makes it even harder for us.
A key part of autism is that the social integration skills never really fully develop in our minds so we struggle with this. Please spell it out to your partner if the result is important to you, and it you didn't take the time to do so, do not take offence if he crosses the line. Just explain what upset you and why and I'm sure the issue will take care of itself until the next different interaction.
Sparkly is right about him not getting a free pass to be a jerk. He may do this (being human and all) so when you are sure this is the case then call him out on it.
Sparkly is also right about the understanding of the agruement state also being a mismatch for you two - he is probably going over and over it in his head so it seems like it is constant.
Us autistic people can be hard work for neurotypicals like yourself so I strongly recomment reading up on the issues you face and possible resolutions. A book like:
Loving Someone with Asperger's Syndrome: Understanding and Connecting with your Partner ( ISBN 1608820777 )
There are quite a few books on the subject.
It is difficult at times and I suggest you ask your boyfriend to get tested to see it he actually is Autistic before going down this route. It will mean he can get to understand a lot about himself, the reasons for his shortcomings in some aspects of the relationship and ways to become better.
I would also consider asking his dad quetly before having that conversation as he may have some insight in how to do this without causing offence.
Or you may just decide it is all too much and unlikely to get better so you move on - whatever you chose if fine.
Good luck and I hope it all works out for you both.
Irrespective of whether your boyfriend is autistic or not, I think men can sometimes be clueless as to why we might be feeling upset. Although females might think it should be obvious to men that (a) we are upset, and (b) automatically know why, men aren't mind readers and sometimes we need to spell it out to them.
From your perspective, you may well consider your differences of opinion with your boyfriend to be little spats, but if he is autistic and uncomfortable with confrontation and conflict, then it might well feel like a full-blown argument to him. I say this because I really don't like it when someone raises their voice to me. It's something that can affect me for hours or maybe several days afterward. I find that if people are able to express their anger or frustration with me in a calm manner, I'm more likely to remain calm with them.
If your boyfriend is autistic, then it is no excuse for him being nasty to you. However, some people on the spectrum can be blunt to the point of appearing rude. As your boyfriend said he was feeling stressed, my advice would be to give him some space and let him contact you when he's ready.