Published on 12, July, 2020
Hey, I've been reading a few books (including "Untypical" by Pete Wharmby which has been recently released) and read a lot about masking, particularly in relation to girls and women.
Thing is, I don't mask so I find this a bit of a mystery. I cannot hide any of my traits or emotions, and when I read of girls sitting and watching how others interacted and copying people's social cues, I'm baffled. How did they do this? As a child I played by myself and was according to other people 'totally in my own world'. I couldn't copy other people's behaviours to fit in if I tried.
I do wonder sometimes if my life would be easier if I could mask - to be able to pass as normal when there's someone you need to impress who will only respect you if you appear to get the social code.
But I've also seen how damaging masking has been to my autistic friend who was late diagnosed - in these last few years I'm only starting to see the 'real her' because she's been masking the whole time.
Are there autistic people here who don't mask?
I don't even know how to mask. I couldn't do it if I tried.
I try to mask. I study people, how they act, their movements and try to do the same. I started this at school, I probably don't do it right but it gets me through the day when I need to do it. It's natural for me now. I've done it so long, it's the norm. Downside is that it's exhausting and often overwhelming but needs must.
I hve masked for the best part of over 30 years and I have to say even though masking makes it smoother in one off interactions it's not good socially for making long tem friends because when youinnevitably cannot sustain the mask indefinitely they feel like they never really knew you - and they are right- they only knew the mask. Now it's my opinion that it is better to be yourself even if you get rejected a lot because then the people who don't reject you like you for who you really are.But unmasking after so long is really difficult because it's been the habit of nearly a whole lifetime now, I'm trying though.
After decades I have not learned to mask properly. I feel quite bad about it. Over all these decades I have met people who were really nice, but fairly soon I piss them off with out-of-context responses in what would be normal conversation. My friend / family circle consists of me. I would like to somehow join in with others, but that would start by participating in acceptable conversations.
I recently stopped masking so much. I didn't even realize I was doing it. Late diagnosis in life. I started unmasking after reading the book, Unmasking Autism. It really hit me. I started unmasking in my last relationship. It ended the relationship as it was "too much" for the other person. Lesson learned. I'm learning how to unmask while operating within society. It's a balance. I did learn to copy my friends' social cues in high school until today. That's over 30 years ago now. It helped but not fully. I still have to mask or feel I need to. I haven't received very good results from not masking around a lot of people. There are a few where I can truly be myself.
My mom pushed me into masking. She shouted at me for being isolated, not talking, not making eye contact, not responding or not smiling enough. For a long time I punished myself for staying home alone for long time or not making s good impression on someone or not being"entertaining enough". It was such a relief to learn that I finally can. In a way it wasn't only my mom, the whole society expect women to smile more often, dress uncomfortably to look more beautiful or talk to entertain or be overly always caring and overlay always thoughtful and not meltdown!. None of that fits me. It has been a constant torture until I decided to send all to hell with their expectations and just be me.
Really sorry to hear that, that's awful your parents hit you... I hope now as an adult you're able to be yourself unmasked more freely
Thank you for your very detailed and interesting response! :D
There is a difference between operating in Survival Mode vs Jungian Masking. I have a feeling what most Autistics are referring to is Survival instinct and not learned masking, which in Psycho-analysis is a way of navigating socially with a kind of fluidity. But the Analyst's goal is to help one become an individuals rather than part of a collective. Where the Autistic is already not part of the collective, but too individual.
Once there's a better understanding of this it's easy to stop using the term as it doesn't apply. But it also becomes easier to learn to shed unhealthy habits one may have picked up from attempting to fit in. I'd almost say, with the right mentorship, There's a better chance of Autistics thriving as unique individuals - something a NT might not ever achieve. The "Mask" sort of networks them into their "matrix" as it were.
Golly - I agree.
As a high flying masker I do think a lot of it is subconscious! I've done it for so long it's part of who I am. But yes it's a huge effort without the same payback.
I mask because as a child my parents would hit me if I didn't. It's a survival mechanism. The best situation is to be able to mask when you need to for safety reasons but also turn it off when you don't need it. That's what I'm working towards.
Not a girl but I am very observant and I weaponized my pattern recognition to retroactively learn social skills for lack of having naturally occuring ones. The problem is after you mask long enough it's hard to take it down because it becomes an unhealthy (tiring is the least of it) habit to keep it up 24/7. The mask isn't %100 effective though and sometimes it slips. Like you can tell when a drink has a sweetener in it rather than actual sugar.
A better term is Camouflaging. "Masking" as a technical word in psychology is something most do at an unconscious level. Some in the Autistic community are changing the word or using the phrase "Autistic Masking" when they mean play-pretending to be like others by attempting to mimic external behaviours.
Some Autistic individuals might do this like cosplay, some better than others if raised with middle class values, as they may have been given mannerisms or rules to adhere to - this doesn't always imply one understands why. Or in cases where there's a real fear to not 'being like everyone' it can be easier to just go silent.
Masking is something everyone does. This is a good explanation https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/True_self_and_false_self
But Autistic Masking is a term for making a conscious effort without being rewarded for it, while a NT will subconsciously have the understanding why and will feel a neurological "reward" for blending in. It's a complicated mechanism that's in a sense "coded" into individuals through language. So if I'm not wired with neatly pruned hyper Left-Brain connexions, but rather use a different system for reasoning and understanding the world, then chances are I might not have "downloaded" the codes to help me play along with others :)
Sometimes I try but I'm pretty bad at it. I would love to be able to pass as confident and "normal" when I meet new people but unless I'm drunk there's no way I can overcome my inhibitions enough to mask properly.