Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm enrolled in a support program for autistic people at my local university. I attended the Adults with Autism group last week that is facilitated by a NT autism disorder specialist.. As I gain more experience with this program, I'm starting to get the feeling that they treat all autism as a personal dysfunction and not as a difference that causes difficulties in a neurotypical dominated society. It's not acceptance-based, but more disordered-based. Continuing with the group session, there was a guest NT that was asking the group for experiences with masking to help build her presentation to an audience interested in learning about autistic people. I gave my experience, which was that now that I know I'm autistic, I've been engaging more with other autistic communities and it feels much safer to be myself rather than wear a mask to try to fit in and not pretend to be NT by saying things like, "It was sooo nice to finally meet you!" and "You look sooo great!" which makes me feel insincere. I did this respectfully, actually making fun of myself for pretending to be something I am not, and celebrating that I no longer feel compelled to do that. The guest ignored my comment entirely and did not acknowledge my presence throughout the hour-long session. She focused on asking the other members to elaborate on theirs instead. She then asked to individually interview members of the group to get a more personal conversation. I commented in the chat that I would be happy to partake in a personal interview. That was ignored. She then gave her email asking for members to email her if they were interested in an interview. I emailed her, and she did not respond. I find this incredibly rude, especially from someone claiming to be an advocate for autistic people. She could have said whatever about not being interested in my perspective for whatever reason because I would accept that as valid as long as it wasn't directly offensive (e.g. "No, because you're stupid.").
I'm upset because I feel like I'm being ignored and am at a disadvantaged position because any disagreement is due to being autistically dysfunctional, so my concerns are not valid. I need NTs to tell me how to interact because I'm assumed to be "wrong" automatically. Screw that! If I'm going to be treated like I need education and guidance from NTs for the most minor interactions, then I'm going to play their game. The group meets again next week, and I'm going to get to the bottom of this.
The plan I'm considering is to review what happened, then say I don't understand why it occurred. "I was under the impression that common manners maintain that when someone responds to a request for help, the person seeking support is expected to at least respond even if to decline the offer. Is it respectful to ignore people when they offer to help? If it is, I'm having trouble understanding it and can you explain that to me? If it isn't, then why did she ignore me if it's considered rude to do so?" I'm going to get to the most minute detail to see what happens. Let's get uncomfortable because I don't like being treated disrespectfully, and I want everyone to know that I will not tolerate it so they think about it next time they get the urge to do so.
Clearly, I'm angry, and think that if her presentation were to be authentic, she should include a slide on how she thinks it's acceptable to disregard the voice of autistic people when they speak about themselves while she is attempting to represent them to the larger population. I know that's unrealistic, but it would be valid to me at this point. Of course, I will absolutely not share this idea with the group or facilitator, but I want to be forthcoming with y'all that I believe it pending further discussion.
Someone please tell me if I'm out of line, or if you have any other suggestions.
The outcome of this experience was learning. It helped to write down my thoughts, share them, read your validation and suggestions, write up a letter, post it for review, and receive critique. The process helped me understand my feelings toward the experience and adjust for future similar experiences. Coming out of a 2-year abusive relationship left me trying to make sense of a reality I had disconnected from to survive. I think I'm still suffering from the consequences of all of the gaslighting, so I have considerable self-doubt. Pair that with slow processing speed over social interactions, and I get what you guys saw in this post. There lies the true lesson of this experience. I need to continue working on my confidence, become more aware of social interactions and their implied meaning so that I can address them quicker with proper responses that would result in the outcomes I desire: equality, reciprocity, and mutuality (shout out to Dr. Shaler!). I appreciate all of the help I received from your contributions!
I'm going to save this matter in my head for when I think a moment to address it naturally comes up since I think too much time has past to address it in a manner that gives the outcomes I would like. However, I will not forget it. It's still there. Should to appropriate moment lend itself to address it, I will bring it up confidently and respectfully, summarizing my experience and how I felt about it. Yet overall, I'm happy with how I have addressed it thus far. Rather than haphazardly reacting emotionally, I stopped everything, attempted some introspection through writing, sought support from a supportive community, and tried to make sense of it as best as possible. Every moment is an opportunity in a new disguise