Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi All. being new to this autism thing, I am trying to think of ways to describe what it is like.
I have created the below as a first attempt, but I'm rally not sure it gets across the 'feeling' correctly, so I wold appreciate some input.
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What is is like for me to interact with someone?
I would like to describe what it is like when I interact with someone, be they stranger, colleague, family or friend, by use of an analogy.
Imagine please, that you are in the process of learning a language. You have learnt some vocabulary and grammar and perhaps some of the polite ways to structure what you want to say.
You are now visiting the home of someone who speaks that language.
As you walk in you recognize the 'hello' and respond with the required word or phrase ... woo hoo ... first hurdle cleared! :-)
The host then comes up to you and you listen intently, trying to pick out the words you know ... "mkkh wefft like krtds coffee" ... hmm .. there was a 'like' in there and i think 'coffee' ... well, i just walked in to the gathering, so i guess that must be "would you like some coffee?" ... and after working that out you think about the polite way to say "yes please", and you respond accordingly.
The host wanders away and you worry that maybe you got that wrong and they were actually upset and had asked "Dave said you don't like my ... <something that sounds like 'coffee'>?"
Eventually the host comes back with a cup of coffee ... you say 'thanks' with relief that you got it right ...
Every interaction is the same process of straining to pick out the parts you understand, referencing them against what you understand of the social context, and doing you best to collect together the correct words and grammar and what little you understand of the polite ways to phrase things and trying to keep the conversation going without f&%*ing it up entirely ... and never really being sure you are getting any of it correct.
Perhaps a touch silly as an analogy, but the actual situation is worse. Prior to knowing you are autistic, to continue the analogy, it is like you don't even know there are the other words in there that you didn't understand. and not just additional words, but sub-text and tone of voice, idiom ... all sorts of stuff you are simply unaware of. but you see and hear the other people talking and responding, baffled at what is happening and how the can keep it all going, knowing there is something that you don't 'get'. You are straining to keep up which is exhausting, anxious that you will make some social error .. You are watching the process and trying to monitor yourself and your reactions to such an extent that you are just a witness to the interaction, not a participant in it.
You go home exhausted from the effort and wonder whether you seriously f'ed up or not .... going over the conversations over and over and over and over, trying to tease out just a little bit more understanding of what was said.
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Comparing the struggle of speaking a language you barely know, to the ongoing struggle of understanding and correctly responding to body language and facial expressions isn't perfect, but I hope it gives the flavor of the experience.For example; you walk up to someone, you can see a smile and they are waving while looking at you ... You think, it is the first time I have seen them today ... cool, this is a 'happy to see you' greeting, so you think about the correct response in the context of the event and you smile and wave and remember to look them in the eyes while doing so.
Because there is always this interpretation and assessment of what is happening, along with the doubt about what is really happening, and the historical knowledge that there is 'something else' to social interaction that you don't understand, these interactions are never fully emotionally real.
When someone says something to you in you own language, you don't need to analyse it, interpret it against the social context and determine the likely meaning ... you just 'know' it. It is immediately real to you.Social interaction is never emotionally 'real' me.
There have been two instances in my life where i have seen an expression on someone else's face and it has been immediately 'real' to me....
Thoughts? I am struggling to get across the real feeling of being a witness to social interaction, rather than a participant in it .... I hope people know what I mean by that. If anyone has any suggestions how to improve this, please feel free to offer any and all criticism.If i have completely missed that mark, please feel free to say so.
I don't even know what facial expressions are , and not being able to understand people feelings has always been a struggle for me .
Have you any friends that have ASD ?
I only have one good friend with it but I see him every so often because a lot of the things you are saying he 'just gets it ' we go out for drinks every so often and don't always even talk much at all just sort of exist together and then messsge each other every so often for a meet up - we only ever became friends really because he thought i had it and bluntly said 'you have got it havent you ' (hes a workmate )and i wondered what he was talking about but then we became quite good friends .
A lot of your points ring true for me especially when i was younger , but winging it and pushing myself means the masking now does not seem as difficult as it once was .
I only see the 'big' expressions, big smile, laugh and "bad" - but not what they mean - i guess I just recognise that the face has a certain shape and I then have to work out what it means. all the subtlety is lost on me.
Thanks. I have started to do this. I am trying to come up with a good way to explain to them what it is like for me to help them understand. It still needs some refinement.
I know it can be terribly difficult . For me i just tell people you need to tell me what you are thinking because i do not probably understand any other way really , which has made it a lot easier for people closer to me and help me understand how they are feeling rather than having to 'read between the lines '