Attachment

Sorry I'm late to respond, I have chronic fatigue and I only go online later in the day.

From what you described, a big part of the attachment problem isn't you. It's the neighbour's inconsistent, contradictory and knee-jerk behaviour: she blocks and unblocks him; she blocks him but says they can be "friends" which makes no sense - if they are "friends" why would she block a "friend"? 

The way many Autistic people think makes us believe exactly what people say, do or write. I personally have a hard time and meltdown when things do not make logical sense. I know we are all different but perhaps your son is experiencing confusion, frustration and/or anger in response to mixed and contradictory messages she is giving and her cutting off contact may feel like a confusing loss since she labelled your son as a friend.

She also abdicated responsibility by just stopping contact/ignoring him so that, in your son's mind, you "stopped their friendship".

I'm not sure what advice to give but would it help if she clearly told him or wrote him that she needs to concentrate on her own life and child and needs to stop seeing/communicating with him. It's kinder and less upsetting than saying he's "obsessive" or bothering her.

She needs to be clear and she has to stop her contact and misleading and confusing him. It also takes the incorrect blame on you away. You would just be supporting HER decision and supporting your son through this difficult situation.

This still needs to be monitored, as I said in my first reply, in case the situation escalates into something more worrying. Also, you may want specific help or advice from the NAS itself. 

I hope this helps.

Don't apologise I appreciate the theories. 

Yes she did initiate it at first last year and I went round and specifically asked her not to continue messaging him or replying to his messages because he will become attached and start bombarding her... Well that's exactly what's happened so she blocked him on all social media but said she would always be his friend.

A few months later she spoke to him and said she would unblock him but he wasn't allowed to constantly bombard her... of course he was OK for a few weeks but then he started to constantly bombard her. Once again she came to me for me to solve it making me look like the bad guy so she blocked him and said she was always going to be his friend...

He understood that, but then as the weather has started to warm up he's seeing her alot more when she's out in the garden and sometimes asks her to watch the 2 year old while she hanging washing out or doing general chore so once again he has become obsessed and started going round to the door constantly. 

She knows he's attached but I feel now because I have become upset about the issues it's bringing and the constant meltdowns he's having because I'm trying to tell him at 18 he could get into serious trouble now as an adult as some people will look at it in a different way she has now decided she can't cope  with all his obsessiveness and has started to avoid him or ignore him when he goes round. 

So he now assumes its me that has told her to stop talking to him and avoid him.

Thanks for adding that. It's very important information since it may be a big contributing factor in the situation. Especially since she was the one initiating a friendship. Your son could easily have misinterpreted her invitations to spend time with her.

Her motivation is important, especially considering that you specifically told her not to get close to him. She did exactly what you asked her not to do. What sort of "help" did she think she was providing to him?! 

If she did indeed initiate time together, then your son would misinterpret things. If she cuts off all contact, it's even more confusing for him. That makes it worse and frustrating for him.

Sorry for all the theories and questions.

It seems she has invited him round a few times when the 2 year old has gone to his dad's... which I spoke to her about and she said she thought she was helping... but I did ask her from the beginning not to get close to him because he has attachment issues.. she didn't listen to me and was sure she could deal with it but now it's become a problem. 

I don't know what to suggest other than monitoring his behaviour in case it escalates. Also, it sounds like your neighbour may need reassurance that you'll be doing your best to deter him but she needs to tell you if he does something else that worries her.

I can understand your concern. As an autistic person, I'm aware of how easy it can be to form attachments to people, but I'm also aware of what it can be like to be on the receiving end. I honestly don't know what to suggest. 

We have had a few incidents like this but the person he becomes attached to has always been someone who he doesn't see everyday such as a Facebook friend who will then block him so he can't continue. But now it's someone who he knows he will see everyday. He says he's aware they can never be anything else but friends. But the obsession is starting to worry me and her as she now avoids leaving the house if he's in the garden. 

Whilst I can offer no suggestions, I feel for you (and your neighbour). I'm thinking aloud here, but as your neighbour is off limits, do you think this may be fuelling your son's obsession with her? A case of trying to win her affections and not wanting to accept that your neighbour will never be more than a friendly neighbour?