Attachment

I don't know what to suggest other than monitoring his behaviour in case it escalates. Also, it sounds like your neighbour may need reassurance that you'll be doing your best to deter him but she needs to tell you if he does something else that worries her.

It seems she has invited him round a few times when the 2 year old has gone to his dad's... which I spoke to her about and she said she thought she was helping... but I did ask her from the beginning not to get close to him because he has attachment issues.. she didn't listen to me and was sure she could deal with it but now it's become a problem. 

Thanks for adding that. It's very important information since it may be a big contributing factor in the situation. Especially since she was the one initiating a friendship. Your son could easily have misinterpreted her invitations to spend time with her.

Her motivation is important, especially considering that you specifically told her not to get close to him. She did exactly what you asked her not to do. What sort of "help" did she think she was providing to him?! 

If she did indeed initiate time together, then your son would misinterpret things. If she cuts off all contact, it's even more confusing for him. That makes it worse and frustrating for him.

Sorry for all the theories and questions.

Sorry I'm late to respond, I have chronic fatigue and I only go online later in the day.

From what you described, a big part of the attachment problem isn't you. It's the neighbour's inconsistent, contradictory and knee-jerk behaviour: she blocks and unblocks him; she blocks him but says they can be "friends" which makes no sense - if they are "friends" why would she block a "friend"? 

The way many Autistic people think makes us believe exactly what people say, do or write. I personally have a hard time and meltdown when things do not make logical sense. I know we are all different but perhaps your son is experiencing confusion, frustration and/or anger in response to mixed and contradictory messages she is giving and her cutting off contact may feel like a confusing loss since she labelled your son as a friend.

She also abdicated responsibility by just stopping contact/ignoring him so that, in your son's mind, you "stopped their friendship".

I'm not sure what advice to give but would it help if she clearly told him or wrote him that she needs to concentrate on her own life and child and needs to stop seeing/communicating with him. It's kinder and less upsetting than saying he's "obsessive" or bothering her.

She needs to be clear and she has to stop her contact and misleading and confusing him. It also takes the incorrect blame on you away. You would just be supporting HER decision and supporting your son through this difficult situation.

This still needs to be monitored, as I said in my first reply, in case the situation escalates into something more worrying. Also, you may want specific help or advice from the NAS itself. 

I hope this helps.

Sorry I'm late to respond, I have chronic fatigue and I only go online later in the day.

From what you described, a big part of the attachment problem isn't you. It's the neighbour's inconsistent, contradictory and knee-jerk behaviour: she blocks and unblocks him; she blocks him but says they can be "friends" which makes no sense - if they are "friends" why would she block a "friend"? 

The way many Autistic people think makes us believe exactly what people say, do or write. I personally have a hard time and meltdown when things do not make logical sense. I know we are all different but perhaps your son is experiencing confusion, frustration and/or anger in response to mixed and contradictory messages she is giving and her cutting off contact may feel like a confusing loss since she labelled your son as a friend.

She also abdicated responsibility by just stopping contact/ignoring him so that, in your son's mind, you "stopped their friendship".

I'm not sure what advice to give but would it help if she clearly told him or wrote him that she needs to concentrate on her own life and child and needs to stop seeing/communicating with him. It's kinder and less upsetting than saying he's "obsessive" or bothering her.

She needs to be clear and she has to stop her contact and misleading and confusing him. It also takes the incorrect blame on you away. You would just be supporting HER decision and supporting your son through this difficult situation.

This still needs to be monitored, as I said in my first reply, in case the situation escalates into something more worrying. Also, you may want specific help or advice from the NAS itself. 

I hope this helps.