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When a colleague becomes a special interest

SuffolkAutistic

I'm really hoping someone here has some advice, as I'm unsure what to do next. 

Met a lovely new work colleague a few months back, and was really struck by his warmth, fun and calmness (don't know how else to describe it). It happens so very rarely that I met someone that I'm actually drawn to being around, so as soon as I realised this, I found it virtually impossible to talk to him. I just listened, and studied, tried to take in as much information about him as I could. 

Last week I decided this was ridiculous and that I would do what I thought a neurotypical would do and suggest going for a chat and a coffee, I couldn't form the words, so wrote down the offer of coffee on a piece of paper with my number, and got a thumbs up in response, so all good, yes? No. I said in the note 'apologies if weird/ inappropriate' (because that is how it felt) and later when I did manage to say something, said the same thing again. This obviously freaked him out, as that evening when he text he wanted to know why I thought it was weird/ inappropriate. Due to work patterns I also hadn't considered how it would look that it would be really hard to have a coffee/ chat in work time, and therefore looked like I was trying to organise something outside of work, but I only realised this afterwards.

So, lots of tears later, I've basically realised that my behaviour and feelings is how I would respond to a special interest, and that by missing out the whole 'getting to know you social chit-chat' build up, to launching straight to the 'coffee' was a mistake, and a very awkward one at that. I just tried to skip a whole social section that I found difficult, but at least I know that now, I guess.

I'm now stuck about how to handle things from here on out, and would really appreciate the opinion of other Autistics:

Do I proceed with efforts to get to know this colleague better, even though how exactly I'm going to have a 'normal' conversation with him when I left so uneasy about even making basic small talk is highly debatable?

Or

Do I apologise profusely for all the weirdness and suggest that we don't bother with the coffee? I made such a mess of the offer that it almost feels like something to try and 'get through' rather than some enjoyable time with someone I want to spend more time with.

At this point I have no idea which option is less weird/ awkward, and I feel a bit damned either way because of the mess I've made of it already. 

What on earth do I do? I'm really struggling with this, I literally can't remember the last time a real, known person in my life was a special interest.

Thanks

  • I say, go for the coffee and just make light if it. You could say something like: 'ha, I'm so bad at this work social stuff, I get it all round my feet. I think I might be on the spectrum you know.'

    If he is a nice guy then I'm sure it won't phase him one bit. If it does then at least you can sleep soundly because you've been honest and authentic to you.

    We can't control outcomes, only ourselves. So smile, and be proud of your struggles.

    Good luck

  • in reply to DeSpereaux
    DeSpereaux said:
    It’s never really a particularly positive start to a conversation to apologise, so don’t apologise if you haven’t done anything wrong, it can come across as evasive and negative.

    I think you are entirely right there, and I think that it what freaked him out. That he gave me a chance to explain and is still willing to go for a coffee is to his credit. 

    My interest in him isn't sexual, so to be honest I have no business in finding out if he is 'interested' or not in me, I just have this weird tremendous pull towards being in his company. 

  • It’s never really a particularly positive start to a conversation to apologise, so don’t apologise if you haven’t done anything wrong, it can come across as evasive and negative.
    If you want to have a coffee with the guy just ask him and let him make the choice, ‘I’d appreciate it if you’d have we could have a coffee to continue our conversation about X, I enjoyed it and would like to talk further, would you consider it?, then you look confident and you’ve allowed him to make a positive action or not. If he says no then that’s fine, just minimise the sting, and internalise it later..:)

    It is important to note, that he may not be interested in you, so prepare yourself for that outcome. It may offer some closure to get an answer.