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When a colleague becomes a special interest

SuffolkAutistic

I'm really hoping someone here has some advice, as I'm unsure what to do next. 

Met a lovely new work colleague a few months back, and was really struck by his warmth, fun and calmness (don't know how else to describe it). It happens so very rarely that I met someone that I'm actually drawn to being around, so as soon as I realised this, I found it virtually impossible to talk to him. I just listened, and studied, tried to take in as much information about him as I could. 

Last week I decided this was ridiculous and that I would do what I thought a neurotypical would do and suggest going for a chat and a coffee, I couldn't form the words, so wrote down the offer of coffee on a piece of paper with my number, and got a thumbs up in response, so all good, yes? No. I said in the note 'apologies if weird/ inappropriate' (because that is how it felt) and later when I did manage to say something, said the same thing again. This obviously freaked him out, as that evening when he text he wanted to know why I thought it was weird/ inappropriate. Due to work patterns I also hadn't considered how it would look that it would be really hard to have a coffee/ chat in work time, and therefore looked like I was trying to organise something outside of work, but I only realised this afterwards.

So, lots of tears later, I've basically realised that my behaviour and feelings is how I would respond to a special interest, and that by missing out the whole 'getting to know you social chit-chat' build up, to launching straight to the 'coffee' was a mistake, and a very awkward one at that. I just tried to skip a whole social section that I found difficult, but at least I know that now, I guess.

I'm now stuck about how to handle things from here on out, and would really appreciate the opinion of other Autistics:

Do I proceed with efforts to get to know this colleague better, even though how exactly I'm going to have a 'normal' conversation with him when I left so uneasy about even making basic small talk is highly debatable?

Or

Do I apologise profusely for all the weirdness and suggest that we don't bother with the coffee? I made such a mess of the offer that it almost feels like something to try and 'get through' rather than some enjoyable time with someone I want to spend more time with.

At this point I have no idea which option is less weird/ awkward, and I feel a bit damned either way because of the mess I've made of it already. 

What on earth do I do? I'm really struggling with this, I literally can't remember the last time a real, known person in my life was a special interest.

Thanks

Parents

  • It’s never really a particularly positive start to a conversation to apologise, so don’t apologise if you haven’t done anything wrong, it can come across as evasive and negative.
    If you want to have a coffee with the guy just ask him and let him make the choice, ‘I’d appreciate it if you’d have we could have a coffee to continue our conversation about X, I enjoyed it and would like to talk further, would you consider it?, then you look confident and you’ve allowed him to make a positive action or not. If he says no then that’s fine, just minimise the sting, and internalise it later..:)

    It is important to note, that he may not be interested in you, so prepare yourself for that outcome. It may offer some closure to get an answer.

  • in reply to DeSpereaux
    DeSpereaux said:
    It’s never really a particularly positive start to a conversation to apologise, so don’t apologise if you haven’t done anything wrong, it can come across as evasive and negative.

    I think you are entirely right there, and I think that it what freaked him out. That he gave me a chance to explain and is still willing to go for a coffee is to his credit. 

    My interest in him isn't sexual, so to be honest I have no business in finding out if he is 'interested' or not in me, I just have this weird tremendous pull towards being in his company. 

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  • in reply to DeSpereaux
    DeSpereaux said:
    It’s never really a particularly positive start to a conversation to apologise, so don’t apologise if you haven’t done anything wrong, it can come across as evasive and negative.

    I think you are entirely right there, and I think that it what freaked him out. That he gave me a chance to explain and is still willing to go for a coffee is to his credit. 

    My interest in him isn't sexual, so to be honest I have no business in finding out if he is 'interested' or not in me, I just have this weird tremendous pull towards being in his company. 

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