Precarious basis for self esteem

My basis for self-esteem is quite unusual...

I had very little until 2016 when i created a digital currency that's good enough to eventually replace the pound sterling and which has the potential to liberate and empower hundreds of millions of people worldwide. I'll probably be labelled a genius if it's as successful as i'm predicting although i don't like the G word because i've known full well since an early age that geniuses often have more suffering than most and it makes me wonder what's in store for me next..

Day to day though i find that litter picking and gardening (especially this time of year) are the best things for my self-esteem

I'm similar and I realised very recently that I feel I must do for others or they won't like me anymore.  It's from past experience I expect. A recent viewong if the Disney film 'Encanto' really hit me and made me realise I don't actually have to do amything to feel worthy in this world....this quote from the film went in my journal:

'You don't have to do anything...YOU are the magic...YOU ARE THE MIRACLE.'

this has helped me although I do have to keep reminding myself!

My defense mechanism is NOT giving a damn towards what anyone outside of my family thinks of me. I try my best (within my capabilities) to be pleasant.  If I'm not accepted --- cheerio!   This is survival!

I hope one day you'll have the self love and self esteem you deserve. Because your worth is innate and not dependant on what others think of you.

That's so well put, and I understand completely. External validation has what I rationally know is a disproportionately weighted prominence in my life. The best way I can describe how it feels is that the last thing, especially if negative, said to me on an aspect of myself or a situation I'm looking for some glimmer of hope in, sets the rules of objective and universal reality for all time, unless and until another person offers a counterpoint. Then that too tilts the word on its axis, maybe in a slightly kinder direction. It's like everyone else has that godlike power, and I'm the only one without it. Very small things (to them) can be internally catastrophic and remove all hope. Resilience is essential, but hard.

This has very much been my problem for years. I find it very difficult to get self-esteem internally, so I rely on outside sources which I find hard to read and ultimately have no control over so it’s easy for my self-esteem to drop off a cliff. 

Some one else on here recommended “Self-compassion” by Kristin Neff which I’ve started reading and it discusses the ideas of self-compassion over self-esteem, so you may find it interesting and useful to read.

Hope you feel better.

I certainly used to have my self esteem dependent on the values, I thought, others put on me. However there came a point some years ago where in one particular area - my writing and getting it published - I understood that I didn’t need that external “validation by editor”, understood that actually I am a great poet and that the judgements of others are irrelevant (I say to people I encounter “I’m the best English poet you’ll ever meet!”, they usually think I’m joking but I’m not).

Then as time progressed this knack of internal validation spread through almost every area of my life and it is wonderful, life affirming and empowering. Of course there’s still bad things, bad days, situations which challenge my self belief, but the journey is going in the right direction. Incidentally the more self confident I became the more attractive to others I became, it was unplanned and unexpected but it is seriously nice to find people drawn to me, and drawn not for anything they think they might get but just for the pleasure of my company. 

This probably sounds hugely arrogant and maybe to an extent it is, but the rewards for internal validation way out way the minor negatives