Bullies from the past.

Think I just had a post deleted from here? Sorry if any rules were broken. 

Two experiences come to mind related to this: one from two decades ago, and one…today. A very complicated one that. 

I might just do the first one for now. I was never majorly bullied in school, mostly just tolerated but at arms length which suited me anyway. But there was this one guy in my year (thankfully not my class except when we crossed over for the dreaded PE) who’s hatred for my nerdiness and disinterest in the goings-on of competitive sports was palpable. He exploded at me one time when I was assigned to his five a side team (I was always the unchosen leftover) when I admitted after defeat that it hadn’t mattered to me whether we won or lost. He’d also just make snide condescending remarks to me on thankfully rare encounters. But I hated feeling that hated.

Anyway, several years after school, and not too long after university I’m working in a book shop, newsagent and stationers (think WH Smith but the Irish version) on the counter and he rocks up with a few of his friends (I didn’t recognise them). I can see him in the queue and my stomach turns over but I’m also thinking ‘we’ll look, we were younger then, I’m sure it will be different as adults’. And when he recognises and acknowledges who I am it seems for a few seconds that that’s how it is. But I quickly detect this sort of looking down his nose at me. My station in life must have been lowlier or something and he was slightly getting off on that. Also the fact that I was serving him, albeit momentarily gave him some satisfaction. I’m trying to give thing a subtext of ‘well, we’re older and wiser’ but then he goes ‘I see you’ve still got the auld false face.’ with a sneering grin telling me he knows he’s twisting the knife.  False Face is a term we used to have over here for Halloween Mask. In other words ‘you’re no less ugly than I remember’. It wasn’t a genial bit of teasing. He looked round at his wee gaggle of mates who all feel into line with some mocking laughter of agreement. And wandered on, pleased that he’d left me stunned and too slow witted for a dignified comeback. And, loathe as I am to admit it, genuinely hurt land self conscious. 

Anyway, he’s since become this big events  promoter over here, and is loaded. But I heard he anonymously had to pay out major libel damages not that long ago for a sustained social media bullying campaign against someone high profile in the media. Allegedly. Plus ca change… 

Id say something about karma at this point but goodness knows what’s in store for me over my own less than perfect moments.  I’ve never bullied though and never will unless I become someone unrecognisable to myself. I sincerely hope not.

Once, but I didn't buy into the crocodile smile, whichever way you wanted to look at it, even if we are to be generous and consider the possibility that they genuinely thought it was all just a laugh without any intended malice. That means they put their having fun as a priority over ours with no thought of  "oh _____ isn't having as much fun with this as I am I should stop".
When teasing becomes torment they crossed a line, banter only works if the other person is in on the joke and knows it's not serious from the start. And you can't allow yourself to be gaslit like that either. You didn't just imagine it, it really did happen like you think. They can't just roll up in your life again like they did nothing to you just because they want something from you now.

That age was the worst for me too. My experience was that things got easier later on, especially once I'd left school completely- I hope that was also the case for you.

Bodhisattva- neil said:

It’s funny how the bully tend to remember things differently from the bullied.

Very true.

In my first year at secondary school, I had an awful time.  One boy in particular bullied me calling me a thicko etc and telling me that I was going to be kicked down to 3V.  3V was academically the bottom class.

At the end of that year I was moved to an academically higher class because I was top in almost every subject.

Twenty years later he found me through a social website and invited me to a class reunion which he was organising.  I didn't go.

I have also moved away from the area that I grew up in, my parents are dead, so I don’t need to go back there either. When I was there as an adult I would see people who had bullied me at secondary school. It’s funny how the bully tend to remember things differently from the bullied. Some of the things that happened in my 13th year will stay with me for ever. 

Sorry you went through this, to some degree one of them is still in your life, she must remember what she did otherwise she would reminisce about school. It would be nice at the end of a meal, in front of everyone else, to ask  why she bullied you so much. I think she would squirm then.

Hi, There seems to be a hierarchy, there’s always king rat and then the lower ranks, right down to lookouts. What they don’t realise is autistic people tend to have a very good memory. I think you acted correctly, in your case I think the bullies minion felt more awkward than you.

In fact, I do have an instance of this after all. I, during a group gathering, met someone several years after a very low and intense period in my life in which I was ejected from the social group I thought I was firm friends with. Very many unpleasant things were thrown my way. 10 or so people vs. 1. A terrible part of my life.

This person was very puzzled when I wouldn’t interact with them, after all, it wasn’t them that had done anything, it was the others! They were not the ringleader, but they joined in like all of the others. They stood by and let it happen. They added their own comments into the mix. But I was the bad guy, because years later I wouldn’t speak to them. I’m okay with the way I reacted. I just ignored them.

I moved away from the area where I went to school, but my bullies didn't, so although I never have to speak to them they will approach my mum in town to chat. It's very odd, because they speak to her as though we were great friends and they admired my academic achievement, and my memories of how we got on (or didn't) are VERY different. I never know if they've forgotten what they did or if they just never saw it as a big deal the way I did.

Is is better or even worse if they greet you in a friendly  manner with no glimmer of remembering the suffering they caused? 

I am reminded of a scene in the film The Word's End, where Paddy Consadine's character's old school bully (They're now thirty years older) runs into him in a pub, shows not a flicker of recognition, cheerfully asks 'OK to take this stool' (for the next table) and wanders off. The victim is  broken by that because all that misery was such a nothing to the bully that they just moved on (not actually the case because... [spoilers]) which doubles the damage in a weird way. 

It's a very affecting scene.

I know when I was self employed, if you tried to bully me, your bill went up by 50%... 

And they always paid it. I did meet one of my old bullies once in a pub. It was clear that was where they'd spent much of the previous few decades, destroying their physiology with alcohol, and been and done virtually nothing interesting in the world, so after a few words of friendly greeting, I left them to their slice of paradise, and got on with my life, happily.

Sin contains it's own reward...

I've been in an awkward situation for many years with regard to this one.

So, one of my 2 friends is a senior school friend.

She likes to meet up occasionally, for a meal, with a group she was particularly friendly with at school.

She always asks me to come and really doesn't like to be without me, so out of obligation, I go.

I've spent many years saying 'yes' to the friend when really I want to say 'no'.  (Story of my life)..

However, one of these women was part of a group who bullied me from the age of 12 to 16+ both verbally and physically.

I'm not sure if she remembers either but I remember only too well.

In a group of around 5 people I manage to not speak to her much, but it does disturb me.

In fact, just writing this has made me feel stressed, 46 years later.

I feel for you as I know you had very similar experiences to me in school.

Mine was a girls' school in a very poor area of Portsmouth.

I stood out there.  Girls can be very vicious.

I can’t say I have had that experience myself, but I did just want to say that that must have been an incredibly hard situation to be in. I’m sorry you ever had to experience it.

I don’t know what goes through the head of someone when they bully another person, but I don’t imagine they see themselves as a bad person when doing it. I wonder if their memories are therefore influenced by their own perspective. Or, and as rough as this is to say, they just don’t remember it at all because as you said ‘it’s just a bit of fun’.