Anybody please post your feelings or opinions on having friends or making friends or on being alone.

I can identify with a lot of what you say. I've never been able to make friends. Even if I did I wouldn't have a clue what to do to maintain a friendship. 

At school I had a couple of what I thought were friends for a short time, but it turned out that they weren't. There was a group of kids who would let me stand with them in the playground, as when I was on my own all the time I was an easy target for the school bullies. However I was never able to join in with any of their conversations.

At work I would occasionally get invited to social events and I would force myself to attend the office parties. I would just watch people, trying to work out what they talked about and if they really enjoyed such events as they appeared to. I would liken the experience to visiting the zoo and observing the behaviour of another species!

Over the years I've tried doing various things alone, going to concerts, theatres, cinemas etc. I did not enjoy the experiences and felt self conscious and out of place, wishing that I had someone with me so that I didn't stand out so much. 

I've been on many holidays on my own too. On several of the cruises I went on there were lots of other solo travellers on board. I would attend the solo meets but still couldn't converse. I have well rehearsed scripts that I use, in an attempt to be polite, but beyond that I have no idea what to say. 

Typically as the cruises progressed I would observe people making friends and pairing up, but I genuinely had no idea how they did that. At the start of the week everyone was in the same boat, so to speak, all strangers to each other and alone. By the end of the week they were visibly exchanging contact details and arranging meetups, while I was still a stranger and alone.

Those are the only times when I ever experience anything that could be described as loneliness, when I am alone but surrounded by other people enjoying themselves. When I am completely alone I never feel lonely. I love nothing more than long solitary walks. I'm happiest when I'm alone, absorbed in one of my interests or out in the wilds with nature as company.

Recently I've read quite a bit about the double empathy problem.

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/professional-practice/double-empathy

Based upon that it should in theory be easier to make friends with autistic people, rather than neurotypicals. However I've never had the opportunity to meet any in real life (that I'm aware of) so I haven't been able to test out that theory.

Yes perhaps though others have the same difficulty I do and it's that, sure, yes I do like time alone. Yes, there is something good to be said about being happy in ones own company. It is nice to have hobbies. There are benefits of being alone because there is nobody else to consider.

All that said though it is frustrating not to know how to be able to enjoy the benefits of having friends and having fun. 

I sometimes think the joys of solitary pursuits are something of a consolation prize for not having friends. It isn't only something I do for pleasure it's something I do because I have no choice. Deciding whether to find ways of enjoying my time alone or enjoying time with friends instead isn't a choice I have. I have to try to enjoy my time alone because I have no other choice.

Hobbies is a good point. Being autistic I have predictably autistic hobbies. In my case I am computer obsessed and spend much of free time learning about computers. Great but of course there is almost no chance to discuss any of aspect of this hobby with neurotypical people because they aren't interested. So I think something to consider for we on the autism spectrum is try to find hobbies more interesting to neurotypical people, a sport or game, something other people can join in with. 

Dining out alone is hard. I have tried it but I don't think it's something socially accepted. It's also more expensive than dining at home alone. Cinema is something I do by myself because it's easier to disappear. Even then though I think people around can find it strange to see me sitting by myself in a row. Going to pubs and cafes too. I am long accustomed to that somewhat withering experience of sitting at a table for two and being interrupted by somebody asking if they can take the other chair. Of course I don't need the chair but it is still a little bit crushing that others noticed I don't need the chair because they worked out I alone and nobody is coming to join me.

On holiday I would eat out alone again through lack of choice because I can't cook in a hotel room and it was never not awkward to walk into a restaurant in a holiday resort and ask for a table for one. The waitress always gave me a "you're that odd guy who comes here and dines alone" then showed me to a table. What do you say "Yes, that's right. I am alone. Is that OK?" and sound confrontational? Best to just get on with it, awkward as it is.

Not only is going out alone uncommon I actually know places where men are not allowed to go by themselves. It is so frowned upon there are places with rules banning men alone altogether.

I thought about the paradox of singles nights and how going to a singles night can be even more awkward because then it's necessary to advertise I am alone and not only that I am autistic and socially awkward, hard to get along with and boring. Not exactly the greatest Tinder profile is it? In fact, I think once I did have a Tinder profile which just came straight out and said I am boring partly as a joke and partly to find out if somebody would accept me as I am. :)

I see social perception as an ability like so many others that are hard to develop. I describe it as like being able to see in colour in that if you cannot do it then there really aren't any options for learning how to do it. You either have the perception or you don't.

Ironically I do sometimes take social acuity tests and score very highly. What I have noticed about those tests is they tend to be observations tests which seem not to acknowledge that recognising something in others is far removed from actually knowing what to do about it. Like being a doctor, great at diagnosis but useless at treatment. Sorry, I am using metaphor and analogy. Yes, I am autistic and I don't like it when people don't speak literally too... even when that person in me. :)

What I mean is sociable people are not only skilled at making the necessary observation but they are also skilled - and this is the crucial part - at knowing what to DO about it. It's the crucial difference between "know what" and "know how". I know if somebody is upset and I so in the dark about what to do I just ignore it. 

I envy so much those people with a real natural empathy. Those who know how to comfort others and put them others at ease. I have few other modes of operation except being straightforward and serious and neither is really the first thing you think of when you define "fun", "friendly", "approachable" or "sociable". 

I really think it's like having the music, the colour and the magic taken from me and I don't know how to retrieve it. Like something that it lost. Something dead that will not recover despite my efforts to keep it on a respirator my whole life. I feel doomed to spend my life as more a thing than a person. More object than entity.

I can relate to a lot of what you have written. I also try to edit my own thoughts. Sadly though I think this ma because my mental health doesn't manage itself as it did when I was younger. Today I am able to banish troubling thoughts. I do reflect on the past and think of what else I could have done. It can be quite difficult to find real answers to that question. I am gradually getting old. Past that point where people get sensitive about how old they are, as I have. Thinking about the same questions for years has only produced tiny outcomes. One of those outcomes has been acceptance. I have difficulty with that answer though. It's an answer which accepts I have no solution. It's an answer which means rather than find a solution to my problem making friends I merely accept I am autistic and I will not make friends so I should put my work into problems I am better able to solve. 

I went out last night by myself. I like a nightclub in town. I think it's strange really that as an autistic person I have found somewhere I like to be in a nightclub. I like the environment. It's just one place. I don't like any of the other nightclubs or bars I know quite as much. I met a girl. We kissed. I can't tell you how much that meant to me. It is an experience I have long thought I might never have again in my life. It did feel awkward just like any social situation. I did spend the whole time asking myself what I was supposed to do in the situation but we had good chemistry and she was quite forward which made it so much easier. The one thing I didn't do was take her number so now I have too go through that process of letting go. The same process of moving on and accepting it probably won't happen again. I have to be careful how I think about it or I will start dwelling on it and regretting what happened rather than being pleased and moving forward. She had told me she would be happy to go to nightclubs with me but of course that is now unlikely to happen. It would have been nice to have had a talkative friend to go out with. Of course if I think of it that way I will begin to feel depressed about what I lost rather than happy about what I had... as neurotypical people say.

I think I have accepting myself to thank as one of the reasons it happened. I wanted to go out and when I had some anxious thoughts "I don't know. I don't think the doorman likes you very much. You always come here alone. He thinks you are strange". I can coach myself "Oh, come on. You Want to go. That's all you need to know. Just go!". I don't need to feel awkward just because I am there alone. I can feel independent instead. I can stand tall and be happy about who I am and where I am. So that's what I did and the next thing I know a girl approaches and starts talking to me. 

Although I would have liked to have seen her again I also believe it's important to have experiences of loss because they teach the skill of letting go. I can reason with myself "That moment would have passed no matter what you did. You won't be here forever. You have to accept things happen and change and pass". So I can move forward a happy confident person to whom something nice happened. It is still hard to do though because it feels like walking forward into the cold having recently experienced a brief moment of warmth.

I know though that I am stronger in my mind. I have discovering meditation practice to thank for that. I often reflect on something I read in the past which said "Nobody hands you a user manual for your mind". I often reflect on that because it's true. I can make myself feel more positive although sometimes I do wonder about what extraordinary effort it requires for me to achieve it. Controlling my mind and body has long felt like moving a heavy weight. I can do it but it takes considerable effort. I think if I had enough money to resign from work I might just sit at home and stare into space leaving the house only to buy simple goods.

I spoke to some people last night. It was after I thought the girl had left. It's the same thing though. I can see they aren't really interested. I trade a few words and they disappear. 

Something I have noticed about extroverts is something people say "They like the sound of their own voice" and I think that's true but I also think other people like the sound of their voice too. Extroverts tend to have voices which are nice to hear. I don't like the sound of my voice and I don't like talking. When I do talk I don't know what to do to get people interested in what I have to say. For years I have chosen to accept that if I want to talk to others then I have to just make myself do it, whether they or I like it or not. It's tough love I suppose.

As well as working in sales for a while I used to go to pubs just to get drunk and talk to strangers. Somehow using drunkenness as a sort of excuse. Trying to force myself to talk to people. Again though the takeaway for me after years is this isn't a skill I can learn. I compare it to singing or seeing in colour. If you can't do it then ones ability to learn how is probably limited. People who can sing often report singing was a discovery for them. They tried to sing as children and discovered they could. It wasn't a learning experience it was just something they could always do.

Sadly for me socialising feels that way. You either have it or you don't and I don't. Sometimes I get lucky. 

Something I can still recall from the time I went to pubs regularly just to talk to people is I didn't make even one friend during that whole time. Recently I have had more success not even bothering but just waiting for chance to bring something my way and that's what happened last night.

It is okay to want to be alone and to be more comfortable alone. we are all different in this world, be true to yourself. And yes if you go out with a group or invited to a party and you fancy going, go and enjoy it, and when if you leave early dont worry about it, its okay to do that, for all they know you could have other commitments. And in a way you do have other commitments and that is to yourself and your own wellbeing. 

Maybe join the odd meet up group, for example if you have a hobby or want a hobby like photography it means there will be lots of talk about photography so there will be some small talk but not as much, and you can be in among people without making them your friends. 

Be your self , lots of autistics are like you, it is is normal. so dont worry , 

I prefer to go to the theatre and some concerts by myself and people watch too, it is my happy time to go and be in charge of me, if I want to leave early no one is there with me to object, and I usually have a nice time. I do go with people once in a while though and that is nice too, but can be exhausting 

Despite employing strategies 1, 2 & 3 above, I wouldn't say I have many friends at all (I repeat: what are friends?) but I have a selection of people I'm comfortable with and enjoy being with. I count myself as one of them!

But when you find someone who's on the same wavelength as you, it's pure magic. I am sure someone I met is on the spectrum, and they are open to that idea too, without feeling the need for a diagnosis.

So, what I'm trying to say is: this forum has lots of people who are potentially on the same wavelength and therefore has lots of potential 'friends'.

3- "I really don't even know how to have fun. I don't know what I am supposed to do. I don't know what to do to be fun."   I think I've forgotten what 'fun' means too, but try to seek contentment and a sense of peace with a situation instead. If an experience doesn't go badly, then I deem that a success. When memories of 'bad'/'awkward'/'negative' moments pop into my mind, I give them brief airtime to acknowledge them (they are real and shouldn't be denied, after all) and to analyse where I could've done things differently or perhaps other people could've done things differently. I then banish those thoughts forcibly from my head ("I've dealt with you, now go away!") thereby avoiding doom-loops and building my confidence (or at least not reducing it).

2- "I don't know how to bond with others and I do have colleagues at work and none of them are my friends. I actually haven't made any new friends in decades."   I try to work out my own definition of a friend: what I hope I can bring to a friendship and what I hope to gain from one. Different 'friends' have different 'purposes' so when I'm feeling X, I seek and relate to and enjoy time with 'friend' X, but when I'm feeling Y, I seek and relate to and enjoy time with 'friend' Y. (Besides, different 'friends' require different masks.)

I so get a lot of what's been said here. To pick up on 3 points and share how I deal with them:

1- "It is a strange mixed feeling of wanting to be invited but also being glad I am not because of how awkward I would feel."   I try to accept invitations (just so I'm exposed to behaviours in the hope I might pick up on titbits). I try to issue invitations (but one-to-ones where conversation, rather than small talk and banter, is more possible).

Don't worry. As an autistic person myself I am gong to try to be sympathetic to other autistic people who find it difficult to talk or write because they know they are not very good at it. That is the reason I started the thread. I know I am not good at it too! Let's try to be that understanding person for each other. 

I have no idea how to make friends. I do remember having a wicked sense of humour at school which has since dwindled as I want to be taken more seriously but I have never really made friends in my life. When I got my autism diagnosis I explained to the ASD specialist not knowing how to make friends has been the guiding puzzle of my whole life. The question that occupies my thoughts more than any other for as far back as I have memories to recall. I can remember not knowing how to make friends and being troubled by it in preschool and watching the other children having fun together while I felt sad and alone. At school I had the feeling the other children didn't really like me too.

Online others have often accused me of being autistic and I don't know if they can really know or if it's just a general insult. I try to hide it but I always think "Do you know that? How?". I do also think others who have known me for a long time must suspect I am on the autism spectrum. Not for any specific reason but for the fact I can't imagine I can have so much difficulty socialising without others noticing I have difficulty. They must have thought about it and I think the more perceptive neurotypical people with the best social perceptions must see where I am going wrong in my choices in a way that I can't myself.

Ironically I have tried to do sales to force me out of my autistic shell and during my last job I was lauded for rapport building. Not ironically I failed to form friendships with the decision makers at work and was sacked within a few weeks. it is strange though that I do sometimes score highly on tests of social acuity even though I don't make friends. 

I know my personality changes too and I have wondered if I am not merely autistic but schizophrenic too or maybe I am schizophrenic and not autistic. It must be hard for clinicians to be sure when multiple different conditions can lead to social difficulty. 

I think I heard somebody say about me just out of earshot "We think he is autistic". I have long noticed a pattern that people are warm and friendly when we first meet but their interest soon wanes and I think I don't know how to be warm and friendly in return so they give up trying.

I don't so much feel like a freak as worry about my future. Where is my life leading when I can't find good work or good friends? What happens later in my life when my health begins to fail and I have nobody to care for me? As I get older that worry gets closer to hand. I already don't find getting around as easy as I once did. Where is the inevitable deterioration of health which comes with age going to take me as I have ASD too? How will I get help? Who will care? Nobody? 

It would be great to work on answers together. Not just identify our problems as ASD people but try to come up with theories on how we can break free of the isolation. 

Sometimes I think I like my own company mostly because I have been forced to accept it and make the most of it. Would I prefer it if I was invited to parties and was admired and the centre of attention? Yes I would. I would prefer to be out having fun at a party right now but the sad thing is it is only a fantasy because I really don't even know how to have fun. I don't know what I am supposed to do. I don't know what to do to be fun. 

That's one of the sad things about rarely being invited to staff gatherings: In the first place I want the invite but on those rare exceptions I get an invite it doesn't change who I am. When I go out I am instead out with a group of people who are all enjoying themselves with each other while I sit in dumbfounded silence not knowing what to do. Hence it is less awkward for me to be alone. At least then I don't think my problems are so visible but it also means I have no chance of meeting anybody.

As before though I don't want to end on a depressing note. Maybe we can all help each other? 

Yes. I have the same problem. I don't know how to bond with others and I do have colleagues at work and none of them are my friends. I actually haven't made any new friends in decades. It pushes me either to the side or out of the workplace too. I have left jobs more than once out of frustration with my sense of isolation. What's also odd is sometimes others appear to like me. It is odd because I have no idea how to tell what others think of me. 

Work is one of the hardest things for me because I know not being able to make friends or bond with others makes it very hard for me to progress. I continue to get dropped in simple dead-end work where I stay until I move on to the next McJob. It isn't only the isolation that comes with being unable to make friends it's the difficulty making money and finding career progression that comes with it too. The it's the loneliness and lack of fun and pleasure in my life in my free time.

I don't really want to be depressing but I do want to talk about it and perhaps we autistic people being able to open up to each other about our problems could be the start of a useful dialogue about how we can each help either other with what is known to be one of the common problems suffered by those on the autism spectrum.

I expect like me many of us quite like to be alone but it would just be nice to have the choice and be able to have friends to work with and have fun with. 

I honestly have no idea how to make friends. I feel I've made a friend then after a week or so they completely ignore me, my mother will explain to me that they were using me for some reason or another and when I wasn't useful anymore they just left. I never have a clue that this was happening and I get annoyed that I never spot it, even though it keeps happening. 

I also feel annoyed at people who are in relationships or seem genuinely happy. I don't like this as I should feel happy for them. Some people have come up to me and asked if I am autistic or when I tell people about it (like people at work who I feel should know) they say that they figured I had it. I feel weird about that for some reason.

At work, people stop talking when I walk into the room and ask me what I want. I've noticed it more as I have gotten older and feel more like a freak than I did as a child. I try to fit in with them (people have told me that my personality changes) but it never works and I leave the group feeling sad.

I like being on my own but at the same time I'm conflicted because I get lonely. 

I am new here and have no idea if this is relevant or the right thing to say. I apologize if not. 

I long for friendship,  the only problem with that is other people. I just don’t know how to make meaningful connections. 
 I have colleagues at work, but none of them are people I socialise with.

That's really my problem too, I think. I often spend time alone craving somebody I can talk to. 

At least you have a good idea of your interests. That can give you something to talk about. It may give you some hope of finding groups where other people have ideas about those things and they want to talk about them too. Practical jokes, hacking and micronations are things you can find on the internet. Hacking has a very large population on the internet. There are people interested in the topic. There are Kali Linux groups on Facebook where you can at least contact people by typed message.

I think what I want to talk about is relationships and making friends. Talking about their relationships is the sort of thing I expect neurotypical girls like to talk about but I also think their conversations begin from a more advanced level of understanding than I have. They understand the rules of engagement and just want to talk over the details of how to get it right. As an autistic person my level is not even having any relationships to discuss. I believe if I could have one wish I would be likely to choose social charisma over anything else as it knowing how to relate to others is the one thing missing from my life.

I think social disadvantage becomes a problem even if we do know what we want to talk about. I would like to talk about how to find better job opportunities. I have tried to write an email for employers and agents but my fist obstacle is I don't know how to write in a way which will retain the attention or interest of neurotypical people or even other autistic people. I even have the problem that not even I myself am very interested in seeing the results of my work after an attempt. I know I am in trouble when even I am not interested in reading my own writing. At least though I am able to see the funny side of how pathetic that sounds. :)

You may find the same thing: You know what you want to talk about but you don't know how to talk about or how to find other people who want to talk about it or help you develop your ideas. So perhaps you what you want to talk about issue is created by the issue of being socially disadvantaged by the symptoms of autism?  You did say you have had friends and lost them. I have too and somehow I have only one regular friend left and I haven't made any new friends for a very long time. I would like to meet somebody and make plans together. 

I think for me as an autistic person my main barrier is whatever I want to talk about or whatever problem I want to solve I don't know how to talk about it with others. I don't of any way to get others interested in helping me solve my own specific problems and all of them appear to begin there because being autistic my first problem with most things is not understanding how to talk to others, especially neurotypical people. 

I want to talk about anime, and absurd practical jokes. How to hack the planet and starting micronations and building pole dancing robots. I wish I had some friends to talk to.

I miss having friends present in my life. It’s like a part of my self I didn’t know existed was born when I was finally around people I could laugh and joke with, people I could make laugh and have interesting conversations with. People I could try new things with.

and since my friends either disowned me or drifted away it felt like that side of myself I discovered was dying. Of course I still have friends on paper. But it doesn’t feel like people you see less frequently than once every 3 months really count.

I spend time hanging around with my brother but we don’t have so much in common. I have a younger friend who also has autism and tbh I often feel more like her surrogate uncle than her friend. She’s always battling some issue, in need of support, and again our interests aren’t well aligned.

I used to like going out to clubs and talking to people. But I think the places I go are a bit cliquy now maybe. Also the places I went had a lot of students. You’d be surprised how much students actually enjoy talking about their courses, which leads to interesting conversations. More so than the average person talking about their job.