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Anybody please post your feelings or opinions on having friends or making friends or on being alone.

LastHorizon

As an autistic adult most of the time this doesn't matter much to me but truthfully I think it matters to me at least a little bit most of the time. Most of the time I am alone. Even when in groups I speak and interact with the others only a little bit and most of that little bit will be to say only what I think is essential or necessary.

What can upset my is envy for neurotypical people. They get into relationships and find friends. The way they interact with each other is cute and funny. It seems to me that teasing and playing and having fun and being fun are crucial to how neurotypical people make friends. I do sometimes think .little of it, as fun seems so childish, but clearly being childish is part of having fun and of course whether it is childish or not fun is still fun.

This hit me last night: I went to a nightclub after work. I can relax in nightclubs and perhaps unlike most people who go to nightclubs I am at my happiest when I am alone and at my most uncomfortable when people try to talk to me. I do try to be friendly but I can see how others lose interest in my when I start talking to them. I know they will and I know what I will say will not be interesting to them but it is also my best attempt at trying to be friendly too. But I wondered: Who is really happy in that situation? Is it them or me? Maybe we are all happy or all unhappy. Whose happiness or enjoyment is real?  

Sometimes I sit and watch neurotypical people in conversation. I can watch their facial expressions and body language but I find it hard to understand what subjects they are discussing or what information they are sharing or why they are talking to each other or what they really get from it. I really think I just don't understand conversation at all. I don't understand why other people do it and I don't think I have ever in my life known how to have a conversation or even really had one. Not ever. 

Much of the time though however much I try to content myself with my own company I really do feel an absence of fun in my life and I know I also spend a lot of time trying to find a way to feel happier than I do on a long term basis and I never have. I sometimes watch neurotypical people, as I was at the nightclub, while they are dancing wondering "Who is really happy, them or me?". Are they sometimes only joining in because they think they should do or because they think that is what others want them to do?

I hardly ever get invited to staff parties. It does happen but my last job I had to leave because I so much didn't feel like part of the group I couldn't cope with the sense of being left to one side any more so I left. The others would go to staff parties together and post photographs to the group while I sat at home wondering whether I should add a smile or heart react or if they don't care or if they are only doing this because they want me to know I am not part of their group? Are they trying to get back at me for some wrong I don't even know I have committed? 

It is a strange mixed feeling of wanting to be invited but also being glad I am not because of how awkward I would feel. More than once after I have been invited I have left the main group to be more completely alone really because I find it easier to be alone than trying to stay in a group while not understanding what to do in that group. In groups I will usually only sit there silently while they talk to each other and because I can sit quietly without talking without needing to be in a group I do often just slip away without announcing I am going really because it is very hard to explain I am leaving if I haven't said anything for 30 minutes.

Social isolation makes work unrewarding for me because at work I do endless manual tasks and have little social interaction so of course I prefer to be out of work because while alone my time isn't wholly occupied by lots of tedious manual tasks which are helping other people but not me.

If I was wealthy enough I would probably spend almost all of my time alone. What is also true though I would spend a lot of that time alone wondering about other people and how to make friends.  I would wonder how to enjoy myself and play the sort of social games neurotypical call "fun" which I don't know how to play and seem never to learn.

I think it's perception. I think sociable neurotypical people notice the social cues and they know how to react to them in ways which please other neurotypical people. It may be something they got a start in when they were infants and observed their own parents having fun with their friends.  

The only advice I can give myself is my greatest satisfaction is achieved by the principle of (as the adage says) "just be yourself". I seem to be at my happiest when I am just doing what I want to. Sometimes even neurotypical people seem to warm to me more when I allow myself to be more autistic in their presence. A woman once watched me carefully unfold a screwed up sheet of tin foil without tearing it so it was perfectly flat. She told me she enjoyed watching me do it because she could see how absorbed and satisfied I was. A woman came over to talk to me in the nightclub last night and although she seemed nice I didn't (as usual) want to talk to her. It isn't hostility. She turned out to be very nice and she was nice to me. I just don't like talking in person and do I not know what to say when I do want to talk. So instead of talking to her I just did what I wanted to do which was to just look at her and she seemed to like it. She asked for my number and called me when she was leaving. I didn't go, of course. Instead I just sent her some messages which I hope she liked. Those messages explained I wouldn't go home with her. After sending them I then deleted her number to block me from sending her autistic messages afterwards which she would find puzzling and not know how to respond to. I really broke off contact for both of our sakes and I still suspect her friendliness may have been explained by being under the influence of MDMA although I have no proof that is true except for the fact I really gave her no reason to warm to me so much.

What do you think about it? You who is reading this message now. What do you think of making friends, especially with neurotypical people, or having fun, or being alone? What do you think when you look at other people who are friends? Do you experience envy, or sorrow, or loneliness? Do you have any answers or tips for those of us who do?

Parents

  • It is okay to want to be alone and to be more comfortable alone. we are all different in this world, be true to yourself. And yes if you go out with a group or invited to a party and you fancy going, go and enjoy it, and when if you leave early dont worry about it, its okay to do that, for all they know you could have other commitments. And in a way you do have other commitments and that is to yourself and your own wellbeing. 

    Maybe join the odd meet up group, for example if you have a hobby or want a hobby like photography it means there will be lots of talk about photography so there will be some small talk but not as much, and you can be in among people without making them your friends. 

    Be your self , lots of autistics are like you, it is is normal. so dont worry , 

    I prefer to go to the theatre and some concerts by myself and people watch too, it is my happy time to go and be in charge of me, if I want to leave early no one is there with me to object, and I usually have a nice time. I do go with people once in a while though and that is nice too, but can be exhausting 

  • in reply to Blossom ๐ŸŒบ๐ŸŒธ๐ŸŒท๐ŸŒผ

    Yes perhaps though others have the same difficulty I do and it's that, sure, yes I do like time alone. Yes, there is something good to be said about being happy in ones own company. It is nice to have hobbies. There are benefits of being alone because there is nobody else to consider.

    All that said though it is frustrating not to know how to be able to enjoy the benefits of having friends and having fun. 

    I sometimes think the joys of solitary pursuits are something of a consolation prize for not having friends. It isn't only something I do for pleasure it's something I do because I have no choice. Deciding whether to find ways of enjoying my time alone or enjoying time with friends instead isn't a choice I have. I have to try to enjoy my time alone because I have no other choice.

    Hobbies is a good point. Being autistic I have predictably autistic hobbies. In my case I am computer obsessed and spend much of free time learning about computers. Great but of course there is almost no chance to discuss any of aspect of this hobby with neurotypical people because they aren't interested. So I think something to consider for we on the autism spectrum is try to find hobbies more interesting to neurotypical people, a sport or game, something other people can join in with. 

    Dining out alone is hard. I have tried it but I don't think it's something socially accepted. It's also more expensive than dining at home alone. Cinema is something I do by myself because it's easier to disappear. Even then though I think people around can find it strange to see me sitting by myself in a row. Going to pubs and cafes too. I am long accustomed to that somewhat withering experience of sitting at a table for two and being interrupted by somebody asking if they can take the other chair. Of course I don't need the chair but it is still a little bit crushing that others noticed I don't need the chair because they worked out I alone and nobody is coming to join me.

    On holiday I would eat out alone again through lack of choice because I can't cook in a hotel room and it was never not awkward to walk into a restaurant in a holiday resort and ask for a table for one. The waitress always gave me a "you're that odd guy who comes here and dines alone" then showed me to a table. What do you say "Yes, that's right. I am alone. Is that OK?" and sound confrontational? Best to just get on with it, awkward as it is.

    Not only is going out alone uncommon I actually know places where men are not allowed to go by themselves. It is so frowned upon there are places with rules banning men alone altogether.

    I thought about the paradox of singles nights and how going to a singles night can be even more awkward because then it's necessary to advertise I am alone and not only that I am autistic and socially awkward, hard to get along with and boring. Not exactly the greatest Tinder profile is it? In fact, I think once I did have a Tinder profile which just came straight out and said I am boring partly as a joke and partly to find out if somebody would accept me as I am. :)

    I see social perception as an ability like so many others that are hard to develop. I describe it as like being able to see in colour in that if you cannot do it then there really aren't any options for learning how to do it. You either have the perception or you don't.

    Ironically I do sometimes take social acuity tests and score very highly. What I have noticed about those tests is they tend to be observations tests which seem not to acknowledge that recognising something in others is far removed from actually knowing what to do about it. Like being a doctor, great at diagnosis but useless at treatment. Sorry, I am using metaphor and analogy. Yes, I am autistic and I don't like it when people don't speak literally too... even when that person in me. :)

    What I mean is sociable people are not only skilled at making the necessary observation but they are also skilled - and this is the crucial part - at knowing what to DO about it. It's the crucial difference between "know what" and "know how". I know if somebody is upset and I so in the dark about what to do I just ignore it. 

    I envy so much those people with a real natural empathy. Those who know how to comfort others and put them others at ease. I have few other modes of operation except being straightforward and serious and neither is really the first thing you think of when you define "fun", "friendly", "approachable" or "sociable". 

    I really think it's like having the music, the colour and the magic taken from me and I don't know how to retrieve it. Like something that it lost. Something dead that will not recover despite my efforts to keep it on a respirator my whole life. I feel doomed to spend my life as more a thing than a person. More object than entity.

Reply
  • in reply to Blossom ๐ŸŒบ๐ŸŒธ๐ŸŒท๐ŸŒผ

    Yes perhaps though others have the same difficulty I do and it's that, sure, yes I do like time alone. Yes, there is something good to be said about being happy in ones own company. It is nice to have hobbies. There are benefits of being alone because there is nobody else to consider.

    All that said though it is frustrating not to know how to be able to enjoy the benefits of having friends and having fun. 

    I sometimes think the joys of solitary pursuits are something of a consolation prize for not having friends. It isn't only something I do for pleasure it's something I do because I have no choice. Deciding whether to find ways of enjoying my time alone or enjoying time with friends instead isn't a choice I have. I have to try to enjoy my time alone because I have no other choice.

    Hobbies is a good point. Being autistic I have predictably autistic hobbies. In my case I am computer obsessed and spend much of free time learning about computers. Great but of course there is almost no chance to discuss any of aspect of this hobby with neurotypical people because they aren't interested. So I think something to consider for we on the autism spectrum is try to find hobbies more interesting to neurotypical people, a sport or game, something other people can join in with. 

    Dining out alone is hard. I have tried it but I don't think it's something socially accepted. It's also more expensive than dining at home alone. Cinema is something I do by myself because it's easier to disappear. Even then though I think people around can find it strange to see me sitting by myself in a row. Going to pubs and cafes too. I am long accustomed to that somewhat withering experience of sitting at a table for two and being interrupted by somebody asking if they can take the other chair. Of course I don't need the chair but it is still a little bit crushing that others noticed I don't need the chair because they worked out I alone and nobody is coming to join me.

    On holiday I would eat out alone again through lack of choice because I can't cook in a hotel room and it was never not awkward to walk into a restaurant in a holiday resort and ask for a table for one. The waitress always gave me a "you're that odd guy who comes here and dines alone" then showed me to a table. What do you say "Yes, that's right. I am alone. Is that OK?" and sound confrontational? Best to just get on with it, awkward as it is.

    Not only is going out alone uncommon I actually know places where men are not allowed to go by themselves. It is so frowned upon there are places with rules banning men alone altogether.

    I thought about the paradox of singles nights and how going to a singles night can be even more awkward because then it's necessary to advertise I am alone and not only that I am autistic and socially awkward, hard to get along with and boring. Not exactly the greatest Tinder profile is it? In fact, I think once I did have a Tinder profile which just came straight out and said I am boring partly as a joke and partly to find out if somebody would accept me as I am. :)

    I see social perception as an ability like so many others that are hard to develop. I describe it as like being able to see in colour in that if you cannot do it then there really aren't any options for learning how to do it. You either have the perception or you don't.

    Ironically I do sometimes take social acuity tests and score very highly. What I have noticed about those tests is they tend to be observations tests which seem not to acknowledge that recognising something in others is far removed from actually knowing what to do about it. Like being a doctor, great at diagnosis but useless at treatment. Sorry, I am using metaphor and analogy. Yes, I am autistic and I don't like it when people don't speak literally too... even when that person in me. :)

    What I mean is sociable people are not only skilled at making the necessary observation but they are also skilled - and this is the crucial part - at knowing what to DO about it. It's the crucial difference between "know what" and "know how". I know if somebody is upset and I so in the dark about what to do I just ignore it. 

    I envy so much those people with a real natural empathy. Those who know how to comfort others and put them others at ease. I have few other modes of operation except being straightforward and serious and neither is really the first thing you think of when you define "fun", "friendly", "approachable" or "sociable". 

    I really think it's like having the music, the colour and the magic taken from me and I don't know how to retrieve it. Like something that it lost. Something dead that will not recover despite my efforts to keep it on a respirator my whole life. I feel doomed to spend my life as more a thing than a person. More object than entity.

Children
  • in reply to LastHorizon
    LastHorizon said:
    Cinema is something I do by myself because it's easier to disappear

    Have you thought about possibly joining a cinema club? There's one in my city, and people meet up once or twice a week in order to go to the cinema together. You'd be able to "socialise" without any requirement to interact, and any social activities after the film (dinner, drinks etc.) would likely involve conversing about the film you had all watched - should you choose to join in. Just an idea...