Everyone's a little bit autistic...

I had the same response from someone recently, I had got to know the person quite well, I don’t normally share anything about me with the muggles. I got the exact response you mentioned, I really wanted to actually slap him, obviously I wouldn’t. The final remark was the,” you don’t look autistic.” There seems to be this view at the moment, autism is trendy and some sort of excuse for different behaviour. I would love them to live inside my head for just one day, it isn’t trendy, some days it’s a living hell.

I find "my head gets a bit busy at times too" to be particularly frustrating. When everything you hear is turned into video images, the constant conversations with yourself, and automatically running multiple scenarios at the same time. Add in a song, analysing what youre saying to others and what tbeyre saying to you, whilst going over previous conversations to fact check. And of course thinking about what you need to be doing as well as what you are doing. My head feels more than a little busy. I wish there was a way to just make it stop.

You have pretty much summed up a normal day for me. My day started at 2am, Blondie is playing Dreaming on loop in my head, unfortunately I wasn’t dreaming. Listened to podcasts until 7am when it’s then time to get up, that’s while I’ve also done all of today’s tasks in my head. Sorry missed out anxiety, always present as well. Anxiety is the gift that keeps on giving.

my mother has made repeated suicide attempts throughout my life, always sleeping tablets, she only told me recently that she never wanted to die, in her words,” I just wanted it all to stop.”

Autism does give me strengths to do  tasks that normies  struggle with, unfortunately Mother Nature has to address the balance and take something else.

I enjoy your jokes Steven,  don't apologise, and please don't stop. Like I said, you remind me of me. I think I'm still masking here, I'm too used to being acutely aware of how annoying people can find me.

Only I could stupidly joke about serious matters.

*facepalms* 

Sorry, P.

You know, I could be!

Trying to puzzle things out, myself included, has been a constant for as long as I can remember. Getting into a philosophical debate with myself is something I enjoy, I love that kind of working things out. But everytime I turn it onto myself I end up in a bad place, confused, frustrated and anxious.

I keep trying meditation, and I do enjoy it, when I'm not distracted and forget all about it. I go from hyper focus on something, to rapid bouncing about different things, then into hyper focus again. Like my brain goes through sudden quantum leaps, stays still for a few weeks or month, then brings about again for a bit.

Pikl said:

I feel like mine are more turn based

Are you trapped in a RPG?  

I think we are constantly working things out. I don't know any "neurotypical " people who try to work themselves out as much as some neurodivergent people do.

I'm an advocate of meditation. I've started again for a week and a half an am already feeling calmer.

I feel like mine are more turn based, except for when it turns to fisticuffs. Though at least I have impatience in common with myself.

I haven't quite reached that point, I still partly believe that I can work it all out, even though I know I can't, so I keep trying. It really is an effort in futility, and hopefully one day I will learn, before I send myself completely mad.

*snores*

What you wrote really hit home, Pikl. For me it's like one rational person making useless notes while watching an irrational person continually mess up.

I am exactly the same.  I've given up thinking about it because it scrambles my head too much.

Thank you Steven, I got that little anxious butterfly feeling when I recognised myself in some of what you said. 

For me it's being both orderly and chaotic. Neat and very messy. In need of boundaries and wanting freedom. Needing guidance yet wanting independence. I could go on, but I'd put you to sleep.

community.autism.org.uk/.../sympathy-empathy-virtue-and-capability

It's been mentioned to me, by a person who knows me well, that I could also be ADHD. Perhaps it would explain why I often feel like 2 different people, and why I often feel in conflict with myself.

I agree about high functioning, and I'm finding it harder to function as I get older.

I'm so sorry Roy, and there does seem to be a balance. I find it all too easy to fixate on the negatives, especially as they all too often become overwhelming. 

I think there are definitely overlaps between AS and ADHD. It's not just finding it difficult when there's too much going on externally but also when too much going on internally. I can get fixated on things but at the same time it can feel like chaos in my head. Much like actual real life tasks, there's difficulty knowing where to start with thoughts.  So it all swims around. I'm going be starting ACT soon, I'm hoping this will give me some tools.

Also, often, even when I wake up, I don't feel rested in the brain. Then it's like "here we go again". Everytime I stirred last night, I had a mixture of repetitive thoughts from 2 tv shows from earlier in the day and an advert jingle all vying for attention. This happened everytime I woke up as soon as I woke up.

The closest I've got to an off switch without "plant medicines" has been mindfulness and mefitation but it takes commitment. I've just absorbed myself in an interest and that has kept me nicely present. Although sometimes,  even the hyper focus of things I enjoy then make me exhausted and its only when I stop that I realise.

The Chris Packham programme this week should be interesting.

 I sometimes watch people sleeping, I would just love to have an off switch. I sometimes wonder if I have adhd. The autistic side of me wants order, the adhd side wants to run amok over everything. I’ve used alcohol since I was 16, it doesn’t really work anymore and obviously I know it’s doing me no good. We get this high functioning label, I would love someone to explain why I sometimes struggle to function at all.

 I sometimes watch people sleeping, I would just love to have an off switch. I sometimes wonder if I have adhd. The autistic side of me wants order, the adhd side wants to run amok over everything. I’ve used alcohol since I was 16, it doesn’t really work anymore and obviously I know it’s doing me no good. We get this high functioning label, I would love someone to explain why I sometimes struggle to function at all.

I enjoy your jokes Steven,  don't apologise, and please don't stop. Like I said, you remind me of me. I think I'm still masking here, I'm too used to being acutely aware of how annoying people can find me.

Only I could stupidly joke about serious matters.

*facepalms* 

Sorry, P.

You know, I could be!

Trying to puzzle things out, myself included, has been a constant for as long as I can remember. Getting into a philosophical debate with myself is something I enjoy, I love that kind of working things out. But everytime I turn it onto myself I end up in a bad place, confused, frustrated and anxious.

I keep trying meditation, and I do enjoy it, when I'm not distracted and forget all about it. I go from hyper focus on something, to rapid bouncing about different things, then into hyper focus again. Like my brain goes through sudden quantum leaps, stays still for a few weeks or month, then brings about again for a bit.

Pikl said:

I feel like mine are more turn based

Are you trapped in a RPG?  

I think we are constantly working things out. I don't know any "neurotypical " people who try to work themselves out as much as some neurodivergent people do.

I'm an advocate of meditation. I've started again for a week and a half an am already feeling calmer.

I feel like mine are more turn based, except for when it turns to fisticuffs. Though at least I have impatience in common with myself.

I haven't quite reached that point, I still partly believe that I can work it all out, even though I know I can't, so I keep trying. It really is an effort in futility, and hopefully one day I will learn, before I send myself completely mad.

*snores*

What you wrote really hit home, Pikl. For me it's like one rational person making useless notes while watching an irrational person continually mess up.

I am exactly the same.  I've given up thinking about it because it scrambles my head too much.

Thank you Steven, I got that little anxious butterfly feeling when I recognised myself in some of what you said. 

For me it's being both orderly and chaotic. Neat and very messy. In need of boundaries and wanting freedom. Needing guidance yet wanting independence. I could go on, but I'd put you to sleep.

community.autism.org.uk/.../sympathy-empathy-virtue-and-capability

It's been mentioned to me, by a person who knows me well, that I could also be ADHD. Perhaps it would explain why I often feel like 2 different people, and why I often feel in conflict with myself.

I agree about high functioning, and I'm finding it harder to function as I get older.

I think there are definitely overlaps between AS and ADHD. It's not just finding it difficult when there's too much going on externally but also when too much going on internally. I can get fixated on things but at the same time it can feel like chaos in my head. Much like actual real life tasks, there's difficulty knowing where to start with thoughts.  So it all swims around. I'm going be starting ACT soon, I'm hoping this will give me some tools.

Also, often, even when I wake up, I don't feel rested in the brain. Then it's like "here we go again". Everytime I stirred last night, I had a mixture of repetitive thoughts from 2 tv shows from earlier in the day and an advert jingle all vying for attention. This happened everytime I woke up as soon as I woke up.

The closest I've got to an off switch without "plant medicines" has been mindfulness and mefitation but it takes commitment. I've just absorbed myself in an interest and that has kept me nicely present. Although sometimes,  even the hyper focus of things I enjoy then make me exhausted and its only when I stop that I realise.

The Chris Packham programme this week should be interesting.