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Poly

JT

A friend sat me & my partner down about 10 years ago and told us she was polyamorous. She had a boyfriend and a second love interest at the time.

I'd never heard the term before and didn't think much of it.

But as time went on I realised this is how I felt as well. I have been fighting it off because I'm in a happy, monogamous relationship that I don't want to upset, but I also feel in some ways a little restricted by that. I love my partner and will stay 100% loyal to her as that is the loyal relationship we have.

I'm sure anyone reading this will immediately think 'you want to be physically intimate with another person'. This isn't my concern. My concern is surrounding the notion of freedom, actually to be more accurate, the palpable feeling of restraint or restriction that I feel single person relationships hold over individuals in society's unwritten 'Rulebook of Expectation'. You know the one, that everybody signed (accept, nobody has, they just go along with it without question??).

If it was a physical thing I could just go out and cheat and be a dishonest person. But I have no interest in breaking the love and trust of my partner. It is much more nuanced than that. It's the feeling of freedom to know and share love and care with whomever I feel it towards. I feel that deeply. This isn't about physical intimacy, this is about philosophical freedom.

Just wondering if anyone else feels this way?

As I say I'd never heard that term before, but within my circle of family and friends I don't know anyone else that follows this way of thinking. It would definitely be frowned upon and seen as 'weird' or similar, and although I am growing into my unmasked unique self, the idea of being open about things like this that can so easily be mischaracterised and life changing in the most important relationships I know, is frightening to me

Parents

  • All credit to you - I think you've done your best to explain how you feel about all this. But, regardless of society's and our peers' written or unwritten rules, you've already made your choice...and that initial choice very likely did not have anything to do with such rules, fundamentally. While I don't believe you are insincere - based on a single post, admittedly - you must ask yourself, seriously: 'Am I using my genuine objections to these limits as an excuse for the thrill of novelty?' *Only you can know the authentic answer to that question* and discovering it might need some serious self-examination by you. Genuine loving relationships require compromises; the true test always is if we're happy to accept and offer such compromises.

Reply

  • All credit to you - I think you've done your best to explain how you feel about all this. But, regardless of society's and our peers' written or unwritten rules, you've already made your choice...and that initial choice very likely did not have anything to do with such rules, fundamentally. While I don't believe you are insincere - based on a single post, admittedly - you must ask yourself, seriously: 'Am I using my genuine objections to these limits as an excuse for the thrill of novelty?' *Only you can know the authentic answer to that question* and discovering it might need some serious self-examination by you. Genuine loving relationships require compromises; the true test always is if we're happy to accept and offer such compromises.

Children
  • in reply to Steven

    Novelty? I find that ignores the emotions involved. I don't see any part of feelings being a novelty.

    But I do like your point about compromise. That's how I have quantified the feelings so far. It may well be that these feelings have to exist until if ever the current relationship ended. Only then could I be open and evoke change in this area personally.

    But even discussing that these feelings might be a novelty, sure that tells of the unspoken shackles we all unconsciously wear?

    I mean, why couldn't everyone love more than one person? Seems mad to me when you think about it