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Feel like the worst parent ever

NAS68972

Hi. So my son who is 12 and autistic needs to have two of his adult teeth removed and two fillings. He’s struggled with every aspect of brushing his teeth over the years and has had huge meltdowns to the point were he has lashed out and injured me. The issues with teeth brushing started around 8 years old. I’m autistic myself and hate brushing my one teeth (although I make sure i do twice daily) so I understand why my son struggles but it’s been horrendous. I’ve spent a small fortune over the years on various different brushes manual and electric and have bought lots of different types of toothpastes including foamless/flavourless but nothing worked. He is under a dental hospital as he lashed out at our family dentist, ran off several times, refused to open his mouth etc so our dentist essentially  washed his hands of him. Only since being told that he’d need to have teeth removed has my son got slightly better at brushing his teeth. Although he is demand avoidant so he still tries to avoid it but eventually he will do them. I have two older children who don’t have so much as a filling in their mouths and deep down I know I have tried my absolute best with my son yet I still feel like a failure as a mother. I keep over thinking it constantly and can’t shake the anxiety over him having teeth removed. I have an adult tooth missing (not due to not brushing) that I lost in my early 30’s and I hate the gap that it has left as it makes me feel self conscious so I feel terrible that my son might feel the same way. 

  • Device/tablet conflict, sorry about empty posts. I've signed up just to tell you if you're a bad parent then me too. Teen just diagnosed ASD but much longer on waiting list for adult tooth removal under general because wouldn't let dentist fill cavity and special supportive dentist made no headway either.  And obv, before that not cleaning teeth well and me missing it.  So missed the dental issue and the autism for ages but still able to give myself credit for the support I am giving.

    Since it's likely the teeth cleaning will never be great, since the cavity first appeared 3 years ago I've coached on the other side of tooth care.  Basically avoiding sticky, acidic and sugary.  So chocolate better than sweets, milk better than juice. Crisps always followed by something else cos they stick. Think I read somewhere that cheese is very good for teeth as it helps the mouth recover from acid.  Haven't had any more cavities so far.  

    Good luck and try to stop blaming yourself. 

  • My parents were worse, so you have nothing to be ashamed of.

    I had five teeth taken out in one session under general anesthesia when I was 18.  That's how bad my situation was, since then I haven't lost a tooth in 40 years because I have been looking after my own dental health and ignoring my parents.

    My mother was to blame for my dental health or lack off.  She lost all her teeth when she was in her mid thirties so she was determined that my teeth would be well looked after, unfortunately she was the last person who should give advice about looking after teeth.  As a child I was dragged around supermarkets by my mother who insisted that I only buy and use Extra hard bristle toothbrushes, not nylon Just bristle was insisted on.  The result was dirty teeth and bleeding damaged gums.

  • You’ve done your best. And it’s worth noting that even those who brush twice a day can get cavities. Comparing to your other children also isn’t helpful. Everyone’s mouth is different. Let the dentist do their work, and try not  to show your  anxiety regarding the extractions. It really is a painless process these days whether awake or otherwise. Recovery time is very quick too.  And I feel that once this done, your son might decide to put a bit more effort in.

    Regarding things to try, does he use mouthwash? They can be strong tasting but not all. How about flossing? Aside from brushing, flossing is very important. There are some little rubber brushes which can be gently slid into the area where the tooth meets the gum, and of course, regular floss picks, string and tape. Is he unable to brush with a finger and charcoal for example? 

    Have you considered a bridge or implant? They can do wonders for your confidence, let alone your smile. Don’t assume that your son will also feel the way you do. I know many autistic people who have lost teeth, and just accept it. All will become clear once he has healed. Try not to worry or blame yourself. 

  • I’m sorry - please don’t feel guilty - you’ve obviously done your absolute best and can do no more than that. My youngest son has always hated teeth cleaning too - it’s so hard to persuade him to do them. Even though he’s an adult now we still do them for him in the evening - but try to get him to do them himself in the morning - without much success if I’m honest! He just hates it so much.

    Sometimes we just have to accept that we can’t make everything ok for our children - we can only do the best we can. I think we have to do our best but also accept the things we can’t achieve. Awful as I know it feels that your son is going to lose 2 teeth - he will survive. I have an elderly father who lost loads of teeth in his twenties - but it’s not stopped him having a perfectly good life! It’s not a disaster :) 

  • I don't know if this is in any way practical but there is a very aggressive form of teeth cleaning done with ozone gas not a brush. An airbrush like tool is scanned over the teeth blowing ozone onto them. It melts most of what sticks to the teeth, even plaque and decay, without harming the gums. In theory doing this on a regular basis might substitute for brushing. I doubt it would be at all easy to access. Only a handful of dentists have the right tools.