No purpose

Hi, Welcome! It sounds you have plenty of things of your own- you have hobbies you are passionate about, like the music, and lots of projects ongoing!! 

I understand about this need for a purpose. I have that too quite strongly and I feel guilty when I do things that do not serve a purpose/ a goal and that makes it very hard to do activities just for the sake of relaxing (though I guess in a way that would be a purpose too.). I used to have 2 main purposes/goals in my life: 1) science/ my academic career 2) hiking and being fit for that which I really love as I would plan a big hiking trip for each summer and then plan everything out meticulously and I would have fun training for it etc. I lost all that when I got injured 3 years ago and never recovered so far. Now I really struggle as I haven't found a non-exercise hobby that really makes me happy... I loved all outdoor activities like running, hiking, cycling and I used to do horse-riding too. Now I am only left with the academic goal which is something I do really like but I don't really relax anymore ever as I struggle to allow myself to do something that doesn't serve a 'purpose' - I find it really difficult as I have no hobby that I really enjoy doing and that gives me satisfaction... and when I then try to pass the time by doing something simply for the sake of relaxing I just get frustrated as I would rather be doing something productive.... but like this I am basically getting super burnt out all the time as I don't take a break until my body basically makes me almost collapse from exhaustion and I am physically and mentally just not capable of working anymore. Sorry if I am rambling on so much about my own issues. 

I think my main point/thought here is that doing things that 'don't seem to have a purpose' is actually a good thing. And it is amazing that you have hobbies and activities that you love doing and that make you happy. And I think this whole purpose thing needs reframing in our heads- If something gives us joy or allows us to relax that is also a 'purpose' and 'useful'. In our society I think there is this drive that whatever we do it has to be productive/useful etc. in a conventional sense, but I don't know if that leads to happiness. It seems quite a sad existence really... to just constantly be chasing a purpose. I think there is a beauty in living more in the moment. 

And I am sure if you really want a more concrete aim/project or purpose to work towards, you will be able to come up with something, but only if you want to. 

I also think comparing yourself to others is probably not very helpful (you mention being content with no friends but that 'it burns' because your brothers do)- We are all different and the most important is that you are happy. It doesn't matter if other people have different needs to feel content. I do a lot of comparing too... and it makes me unhappy usually... not sure how to stop though. 

You sound like an amazing person to me! I hope you can be more self-confident eventually.

I remember getting to forty and thinking ‘ok I am now the age Ive always felt’ The problem is I’m a good distance  past that now! 

I have no friends either, the last time I spent time with someone outside of my immediate family was 2014. I pretty much spend all my time reading and watching YouTube and honestly I would never leave the house ever if that was possible for me, but I have doctor's appointments and stuff. 

I relate a lot to what you have said in this post and have felt many of the same feelings. I wish I had something to say that would make you feel better, but the only thing I can say for sure is that you're not alone.

Also, I really love music and supernatural stuff and horror books / TV / movies too so if you ever just wanted to chat about that stuff to take your mind off things then feel free to send me a message

Welcome to the community :) 

It sounds like you're being very hard on yourself and that's causing a lot of pressure for you. You're still young, there's plenty of time for everything just go slow - one step, one day at a time ^^

Take care xxx

Welcome to the community and I just want to say I'm sorry you feel like this and I want to say you're not alone. Honestly most of my day is spent listening to music and I love writing too and I relate to not finishing projects - there's probably fifty stories of mine that were abandoned! If walks are nice maybe try and go on one everyday especially to someone nice like a park or something? Take your earphones with you and get lost in the music and the fresh air and walking might help you clear your head. You don't need to be better - you are already amazing and you don't know what the future holds! I know that sounds so cliche but some people don't know what they want to do with their lives until they're a lot older - my dad didn't find his passion until he was sixty! I'm nearly 24 and I don't know what I'm doing with my life and I know it's a scary feeling but we're not the only ones: most people are just muddling their way through life and hoping everything works out. Please don't be so hard on yourself - you seem like a lovely person and you've got interests and passions which is more than some people do and I think more important than a lot of things people value! It makes you unique and interesting to talk to! You will make friends possibly in places and ways you don't expect - I didn't really have any friends at school or uni but you will find people who get you especially people on here! You have many talents and are a valuable part of this world so please don't feel bad about yourself. We're grateful to have you here (ps sorry for the ramble oops)

? said:

I've always found talking to them and people in general hard. It's getting worse and I'm hardly saying anything now. Talking makes me uneasy, it's common in autism I've read that but it still is awkward for me and everyone else

Me too and I think I've become more insular as I age.

Sometimes my husband is still talking downstairs when I've walked upstairs.

Sometimes I just have to ask him to stop.

He's pretty accommodating really.

Silence is my favourite thing.

? said:

but I wish I could be better than I am

Don't be so hard on yourself.

I think that one of the wisdoms of life is learning to like yourself.

Which reminds me (George Benson, the Greatest Love of All):

https://youtu.be/Bw26pG7u5ak

Welcome

I Sperg said:

And be kinder to them the more you realise how horrible they all are.

That made me smile

This is why I prefer animals (and the members of this forum who are honorary animals in my book).

You will get some good advice, but here's some of mine...

I found the years 20 to forty to be perfectly horrible. I thought i was just me, because that phase in your life is when you are at your peak power, but it's also when our society "bites" hardest. I found I'm not alone at all.

I'd suggest you treat it all as a learning experience, where your goal is to be true to yourself whilst being kind and helpful to the other people. And be kinder to them the more you realise how horrible they all are.

Sounds like a paradox, but it got me through a lot, and out the other side. Several times.

I love your user name. As a fellow Doctor Who fan, question marks have a special place in my heart. I’m feeling very tired today or I’d try to say something more helpful but I’ll try to when I can. Welcome to the forum. And  dont be so hard on yourself, you’re still so young and you’ve been coping well - or it sounds it to me.