Struggling to speak in new situations/with new people - different from mutism

I suffer from this too. As far as I remember it started at school. I would be unable to answer if a teacher asked me a question in class, even though I knew the answer and tried to speak.

The official medical term is selective mutism. However, along with many of the autistic community, I do not like that term. It implies that we are choosing not to speak, which is absolutely not the case. I prefer to use the term situational mutism, which better reflects that it only applies in certain situations.

I do use scripts and I find it helps to some extent. However, like you say, as soon as the interaction goes off script I am thrown and then it is much more likely for the situational mutism to happen. 

Group situations is a big problem for me too. I suffered from it when working in open plan offices or attending any type of social event or local groups. I joined a local special interest group a few years ago, thinking that because I was interested in the topic it might be easier for me to speak in a group situation. It didn't work. At the first meeting I introduced myself to the group, using a well rehearsed script. I continued to attend the group meetings regularly for a couple of years but I don't think I ever spoke again. It never got any easier.

Sometimes I have something to say but cannot speak. Sometimes I can speak but have nothing to say, do not know what to say or cannot find a suitable opportunity.

I think the problem with groups is that there is so much happening at once I cannot keep up. If I do manage to follow some of the conversation and think of something to say then I can't find a suitable gap to speak. By the time there is a gap the conversation will have moved on and the comment is no longer appropriate. Speaking one to one is a quiet environment, with no distractions, I find much easier.

The only person I am really comfortable speaking with is my mum. Even with her my speech can just shut down if it becomes too much. If there is anyone else present or other distractions then I am much more likely to become situationally mute.

There is a link to a couple of Aucademy videos on the topic in this post from a few months ago.

https://community.autism.org.uk/f/adults-on-the-autistic-spectrum/27493/aucademy-videos-on-situational-mutism

An interesting theory from the videos is that the situational mutism is less likely to happen when we are communicating with others from our own neurokin. I have not yet had the opportunity to test out this theory, as I do not know any other autistic people outside of this forum (apart from my undiagnosed mum). This theory may be relevant for you if you are planning to offer therapy to autistic clients.

On this website you can purchase or download for free an 'I am autistic' card. This explains some of the difficulties we tend to experience and can be useful to show in a situation where you cannot speak.

I deal with it by avoiding the kinds of situations where it happens as much as possible. I opt to communicate by email or live chat, rather than in person or by telephone. I would be interested to hear if anyone has managed to overcome such difficulties and what their strategy was.

Hi, 
Thank you for such an honest and detailed response. I know of situational mutism, but as I mentioned in the main post I'm not sure this is the same as what I experience. While I resonate with almost everything you shared in relation to group environments in particular, I'm not sure that I'm literally unable to speak in the situations where  ifficulties arise. I was very active in answering teachers' questions in school, but then really struggled to engage as soon as we had to work in groups - by 'engage' I mean interact and contribute, except during tasks that really interested me not the others. 

What made me post this was that I joined a new group yesterday - one that's linked to another aspect of my identity - and found it really difficult to know what to say/how to interact with those I met. But again, I did speak a little, and perhaps if I had had no choice I could have spoken more. 

It's interesting that you mention the theory about mutism being less likely to occur when interacting with neurokin. There are times when I have found this - the from still couple of times I attended a local Autistic meetup group were very freeing, as I was able to speak much more confidently than I can in most other group situations, particularly on a first meeting. The last couple of times have been much harder. The group has been bigger, and the venue has been very noisy - both factors that contribute to me struggling with communication. Yet everyone else in the group has seemed to be able to communicate very well in those meetings, which made me question my hunch about this being potentially connected with being autistic. (I'm blind as well so can't lipread to aid communication in noisy environments.) 

Having said all that, I am incredibly lucky to know other Autistic people as well as the amazing community on this forum. I hope you can find those people too.

My bad for not understanding your question properly. I should have clarified what you meant by mutism before launching into a reply about situational mutism. I think I'm understanding better the type of situation you're referring to.

It really is a complex area and so little research has been done. In the past it has been wrongly assumed that it is all down to anxiety. If the anxiety were magically removed would we be able to speak freely? Based upon my own experiences I don't think so. 

Interactive verbal communication is such a huge effort and so tiring that it has to be really worth the effort, something which interests us. Perhaps that's why you found it easier to contribute in group tasks that interested you. If I'm not interested in a conversation that is happening around me then I am much less likely to have anything I want to say.

There is the processing delay for verbal language that many autists experience. It takes time for me to process what is said and then even more time for me to think of my reply. I tend to think of what I could or should have said long afterwards. Of course conversations tend to move much quicker than that out in the real world. I am still floundering with trying to process something said earlier and the conversation has moved on too quickly for me. If watching TV I can rewind and replay or use subtitles to help. In the real world humans do not have pause and rewind buttons! 

Our brains cannot filter sounds. In a noisy environment, where there may be background noise and multiple conversations happening, it becomes just a 'wall of noise' to me. I cannot focus on one particular conversation that I am supposed to be trying to be part of. I try and lip read, not being able to do that must make it even more difficult for you.

There is the lack of social skills and reading social situations, not knowing when there is a suitable gap to speak as I previously mentioned. Trying to speak and then somebody else speaks at the same time, which puts me off trying again. 

All of these factors (and probably many more that I haven't thought of) can contribute to the situation. 

Yes, that feels very true. I think it's especially painful when I'm trying that interact with other autists with whom I don't have shared interests, and then I struggle to engage with them. The sense of isolation can be particularly acute in that situation, I think.

Yes, that feels very true. I think it's especially painful when I'm trying that interact with other autists with whom I don't have shared interests, and then I struggle to engage with them. The sense of isolation can be particularly acute in that situation, I think.