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Identity crisis

Michaelcangelo

Hi all, this is my first post but I've been struggling recently.

I've been diagnosed with autism for around 6 months, at age 30, after several years living as self-diagnosed. One of the biggest issues I've had since is a feeling that I have no idea what my identity is or who I am any more. 

I know a lot of this is tied to masking and I've been thinking a lot about how I've changed myself and my interests to manage in certain situations and to make an identity for myself and this has gone back to when I was a teen.

I was just wondering if/how anyone else has managed this, and got through it? It causes me a lot of stress, sadness, and inability to trust myself as I'm not sure I know who I am anymore.

  • Been feeling exactly the same since June when I was diagnosed. But one thing I've done, each day, that has helped is to slow down.

    By moving slowly, being calm with myself, allowing myself to make mistakes and know where those now come from, is a process of self acceptance.

    It's hard to not fit in, and I always thought when I didn't that it was just the wrong situation, and so I blindly carried on.

    Nowni know I don't fit in (in the the way I always hoped I might one day) has allowed me to say, 'well, fk it. If that's the way it is then, I'm not doing anyone any harm. I try to be kind but sometimes that isn't enough for some people. And I know I'm fine on my own, so what's the worst that can happen? More of the same?'.

    I've realised there are many people out there, NT & ND, the same as me (the same in their struggles), and that it's ok to just be myself, whatever form that takes.

     I hope you get to the same place Slight smile each day is a challenge, but I don't think that's different to the majority of people tbh

  • I did experience this, but I can’t say for how long. I didn’t think about it while I was self diagnosed for a year or so, but I did after I got my diagnosis. I wondered which bits were me, which were autism. How much if my personality was just autism? And then it disappeared. I just concluded I was me, the same person I’ve been as long as I can remember. 

  • In a similar boat, diagnoses about 6 months ago.

    I'm struggling to accept the diagnosis. I feel more ADHD than ASC. I have also been diagnosed with so much contradictory stuff over the years I don't have faith in psychologists any more. 

    That aside, I totally get the identity crisis. I am assuming time will help, but right now, diagnosis has just created a lot more problems for me than it solved.

  • Focus on your interests, everything else is just adjustment, learnt and trained behaviour for one of many reasons we do it. If you brave enough you can try to hide less, but it backfires way to often.

  • I think a lot of us feel like this after late diagnosis. To be honest, nearly two years after diagnosis, I think I'm still learning who I am.

  • Michaelcangelo said:
    I know a lot of this is tied to masking

    I really sympathise. In my case, I've never really known where the masking begins and ends...or even if I am all-mask or none. I'm just lucky that this fact doesn't bother me too much, simply because I'm so used to the blurring of selves/personae.

    Hopefully some of the great and clever people here will be able to help you more properly. Slight smile