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When I try letting loose and not overanalyzing my behaviors, I make more social mistakes.

KittyBiscuits

Whenever I try being completely myself and let loose, explore my traits and simply just be myself... it's annoying or wrong to others in some way. I feel so trapped even living because it's either mask and succumb to the pressure and ruin my mental health, or be myself and not hide anything in order to keep myself feeling happy... only to have others be uncomfortable or even upset with me for not trying to consciously remember social rules and how I "should" present.

I know for a fact I am hypervigilant, but it's for a good reason. It feels inescapable how I can't even let go without it backfiring somehow. I want to be authentically myself and say things without having to tiptoe around people. I'm tired of hiding. It feels better to just not be myself now and to be whatever others wish for me to be or what they want from me. Man, even showing emotions is a problem. I have such a hard time hiding my own feelings and emotions without someone being able to obviously notice. I feel so bad and like I just can't get out of this situation. I feel hopeless. Is this what autism is supposed to be like??? To comfort others and accommodate them at the expense of your own wellbeing??? If so, it's more than tough. It just feels depressing.

Parents

  • This resonates with me. It’s like you have a choice. A) Be constantly anxious and guarded about everything you say and feel alone around people. Or B) let your guard down show people your true self and get excluded from the group for offending some one or making people ‘uncomfortable.

    if that’s been your experience of being autistic I can say yes I share it. The only solution I’ve found is to look for the places that are full of people society already labels as weird / abnormal / degenerate. They are a bit more tolerant. But when even they reject you where can you go?

  • in reply to Peter

    Or you can go C) Until you make a small group of friends (my max capacity is 3) you go in A) mode, then you switch into modified B) where everyone not accepting you ends on permanent ignore list, you don't need them

  • in reply to Mariusz

    That’s not how making friends works in my experience. One doesn’t acquire  friends in a vacuum.

    For example. You go to place with lots of people. You make a friend there. But this friend has friends in the group. You will rarely hang out with this one friend alone. This is good it helps you make more friends. But it also means you can never … or at least rarely, Hang out with just 1-3 people you know really well. There are always going to be other people around involved in your conversations with your friends.

    so even if your friends accepted you in “B” mode the friends of friends may not.

  • in reply to Deleted User

    Ah I’m something of an extrovert and tend to be attracted to loud noisy people. Because I am loud noisy people. So I probably put people like that off, or wouldn’t notice them.

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