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As an autistic how do YOU deal with rejection

NAS83898

Rejection has played a major role in my life since childhood. I've never really been able to satisfactorily cope with it.  I know it is partly due to my own social inabilities. As a true outsider when first settling here, I had experienced past rejection from two government organisations (NHS, and the Dept. Of Employment) the former almost costed me the loss of my wife and unborn child, while the latter had to be taken to court for discrimination (I won with compensation). As a child I was always the kid on the outside looking in which emotionally kind of prepared me for rejection, but not at governmental scale whilst married to an English pregnant wife.  I didn't realise my location -- I later came to learn --- was probably the most conservatively rigid locations in the UK. Over many following years I experienced total strangers who snubbed me owing to my New York accent!

I have developed many masks over many years in my pointless attempts at trying to fit in.  I have no social life.  Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining.  I have been conditioned over many years to accept my lot and find some comfort being able to express myself here as compensation for my social inabilities to a degree. I'm curious to know how other autistics cope with rejection.

  • in reply to I Sperg

    Turning a negative into a positive is very commendable especially so if you can actually get it to work for yourself despite a barrage of consistent negatives. It is truly an uphill struggle worthy of recognition.

  • in reply to Luftmentsch

    I've experienced emotional rejection with my first wife walking out on me and my kids. It could have been a killer if I allowed it to be so. But needs must.  Being the pragmatic person I am, I joined a divorce and separates club and met my wife who has put up with me for 38 years. Its's been a rough ride initially taking on her two young kids, but we did it.

    My preconditioning to misinterpretation also acted as a screen towards engagement with people, but for a different reason from your own. I was always the largest guy in my school classes. I guess my size put off bullies --- if they dared.  My awareness of rejection began at home. It was surreptitious and concealed.  Nine years separated my brother and I, so I knew I was an accident. My father had his own emotional issues with a discharge from active duty for nervous anxiety during WW2. Mum already had her hands full with dad and my older brother, which put me somewhere in" left field " (a baseball term). 

  • in reply to Glitter

    My next-door neighbour is a bachelor and a satanist/Goth.  He had been married twice.  He is very helpful and neighbourly. We get along great because I am not judgemental towards him in any way. In my opening statement I wrote I was friendless. I just reminded myself that I have one friend --- my neighbour.

  • in reply to Bodhisattva- neil

    I used to do that.

    Bodhisattva- neil said:
    stuck in a loop of rumination trying to figure out the reason for the rejection. That can last from days to months. 

    In the end I stopped doing it and came to this conclusion instead:

    ๐Ÿ Bees ๐Ÿ (they/them) Autism resources in bio #stoptheshock #NothingAboutUsWithoutUs said:
    I'm okay with it, we are all so different that autistic or not I know I can't be everybody's cup of tea,

    You might not even be the one to trigger the rejection, it could have been something in their own head. For example I myself am a walking bucket of abuse trauma so if I read someone admitting to NPD and they don't appear to be trying to do better then I have to just "NOPE!" and not interact with that person.

  • Hello all, 

    I kind of right there now, so this is fresh and real. 
    when it comes to social rejection my behaviour is to withdraw from all points of contact. This of course does not help much and leads to greater isolation. 
    I need to find something to completely fill my time, special interests or a new project. 
    if I don’t find the replacement in due time, I’m stuck in a loop of rumination trying to figure out the reason for the rejection. That can last from days to months. 
    my biggest flaw is I never seem to learn from experience, good or bad. 

  • I treat life as a game of skill, where "winning" is difficult, but playing well is a skill I can work on.

    Mostly I see "rejection" as an obstacle to be overcome, or got around, and look for the appropriate skill, technique, or firearm* to accomplish my aim.. I don't see it as an "unpleasant mystery" any more, it's just something that happens to everyone at some point to varying degrees, and in certain circumstances, to me more often than I would like. BUT, there really are, "more fish in the sea" and "when one door closes another often is opening.."

    "I have NO TIME for people who have no time for me". Is a motto I am trying to live by these days.. 

    *O.K. Not a firearm, that was an attempt at levity. 

  • Honestly, even though I think I've had less rejection than many people here, I don't think I've ever dealt with it well. Job-related rejection upsets me a bit, but emotional rejection is the real killer. I rarely open up to potential friends because I'm scared of rejection and also of not knowing the "rules" for befriending people. I'm afraid of doing the wrong thing and being misinterpreted. I guess years of bullying at school were responsible for that mindset. I'm lucky that I've found friends who have persevered in trying to befriend me despite my distance and confusion. Romantic rejection was the hardest. I've found my special person now (actually, she found me -- a pattern), but years and years and years of rejection took their toll and I had pretty much given up all hope of ever getting married when the unthinkable happened.

  • I coped by dying my hair and joining in with a bunch of other rejects also known as goths. ;)

    I'm kind of kidding, but not completely.  I still get upset about not fitting in sometimes, but for the most part I'm just, whatever.  If those people don't like me, I will keep looking for the people who do.

    I kissed a lot of frogs before I found my princess.

  • I see myself more a mole occasionally poking my head out of my burrow to see what's going on. In an idyllic world how pleasant to be able to cast off our masks--- sigh

  • I learned to become a lone wolf. 

    I never travel with a group, always alone. (apart from a couple of times with my brother whenever he was 16) Coming with no expectations is best. Plus, I get the chance to see more of what I want. 

  • In a purely social situation I'm okay with it, we are all so different that autistic or not I know I can't be everybody's cup of tea, in a professional setting though I would press enquiries as to an honest reason for the rejection and expect any professional entity worth a damn to be able to offer a fair, provable, and constructive response.