Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, I'm a bit desperate at this point as I seem to have managed to get myself out of one bad situation straight into the next disaster. Essentially I recently took a new job in August and moved back to the UK. Before this I had been working in a lab in Germany for a year (I am a neurobiologist) as I was hoping to do a PhD there but I ended up exploited and working unpaid for 6 months, before being employed part-time for 6 months- plus there were other issues. I had a hard time in Germany and my health suffered and I ended up physically unwell and burnt out and depressed but I took my last energy and applied for jobs whilst still working. I would have applied for a new PhD position straight away but it was the wrong time of the year and most deadlines were past- therefore I ended up looking for research assistant jobs in a lab so that I could work for a year, recover and also apply for PhDs in the meantime. I chose to move back to the city where I had gone to university as I felt at home there and I thought the job I had been offered there might involve slightly less responsibility and a better chance of me recovering than some of my other options. I had no break between my job in Germany and the new job and I started work in August utterly exhausted wondering on I would cope- the novelty of the new job somehow got me through it but I soon ended up working extremely long hours: 1-2 days on most weekends and for a few weeks I often only got home at 11/12 at night. On top of this I am really struggling with food and digestion (ARFID type issues) and by this time I was only eating eggs, toast, carrot and apple and I was loosing more and more weight - I tried to expand my diet half-heartedly but I just did not even have the space or time or energy to tackle this. Whenever I had time off I felt physically ill with exhaustion.
At some point I realised this job is being completely counterproductive at this point: I am not getting any intellectual satisfaction from it and it is quite frustrating to only assist and never see things through (which would be ok if I was working more normal hours). I am not getting a qualification from it. I have no time for anything- no time for relaxation or seeing friends and no time to apply for a PhD which is what I really really want (and the deadlines are in December/January). So somehow on top of everything I tried to start applying for PhDs as well... I managed to do some applications and even ended up travelling abroad for an interview. I have had very little sleep and it was all crazy busy. Things settled down a little at work as Christmas was approaching and I felt so burnt out and I don't think I have been very productive recently and people noticed that I seem exhausted. At some point I also started expanding my diet as my body was not taking it anymore which is a positive thing but it also means that my digestion etc is all over the place and it is further disrupting sleep when I actually have time to sleep.
I now finally had time off for the Christmas break a week ago (actually ended up taking some leave so that I could take off early as I was no longer needed)- I thought the rest would do me good and I would regain some energy and be able to work on some more applications and prepare upcoming interviews. So far I have done no work and just tried to distract myself with puzzles, lego, origami etc. (sadly I am injured and cannot do the outdoor activities I love). However I am growing increasingly depressed and tired with each day (or so it seems)- Even when I started the vacation I thought 2 weeks would not be enough for me to recover but it is becoming more and more clear that it really isn't going to work out. I am not sure what is wrong with me and if I am so so tired and exhausted and growing more and more depressed because I have not rested enough or because I need to drag myself up again and start doing something productive like dealing with my PhD applications. This is the one thing that kept me going as I really badly wanted to be able to start a PhD next autumn at latest- I really hate my current job and if I do not take care of these applications I am likely to be stuck in this job (or a job like this) for a second year. However I have lost my drive. I can't even work up the energy to even start contemplating working on these applications.
I have no idea how I am meant to go back to work in less than a week- I feel so burnt out and unable to cope even when not doing anything at this point and I just don't know how I can cope. I am thinking of asking to take a few more days off but I am not sure I can do that and even that seems not long enough to recover from my profound state of exhaustion and burnout (I actually haven't really had a break in ages...)- I think if I somehow force myself to go back to work (if I manage to drag myself there somehow), maybe some residual energy will kick in and keep me going for a little while longer- but at what cost? I also urgently need to take care of my food issue as I am so severely underweight- I am trying but for that I also need time and space. I am worried that I will loose my job if I try to take more time off or if I end up on sick leave. I am still on probation and I also hate doing substandard work. The issue is also that I have a lot of work that I need to do in the new year that one I get started with will not be easy to just interrupt to take a break and it will likely involve considerable weekend work too...
One option would be to move back home to my mum who is outside the UK- however I am not keen on this option as I am not sure I could cope with another move- I have bad memories of being in Luxembourg and back home and I feel much more comfortable in the UK. Also it could possibly lead to issues due to Brexit if I want to return to and stay in the UK (and I really do want to stay here). Plus I am worried how this would look on my CV and I would end up with a long gap between this job and starting a PhD if I got an offer... it feels like giving up and like a huge failure to move back home and I am not keen. Also living with my mum has been problematic in the past ... but then again I don't have many options?
If I am to stay in the UK I need to have an income so that I can pay the rent. I really wish I could just have a longer break now so that I could have a chance of recovering but I have no idea how I could put this into practice and how I could make my work more bearable and less exhausting. Should I contact the 'disability at work team'? I'm not sure though if that is appropriate as it is hard to know which of these issues are related to being autistic...? And I don't know what adjustments could help me...?? I also feel like I should be able to cope.
At this point I am just utterly depressed and feel stuck in a situation which feels like it has no good solution. And I have lost all energy. I'm so sorry for the long long post.
I just realised I should probably mention that I am autistic- I was diagnosed a few weeks ago. Thanks so much for listening.
Ann :) said:it is hard to know which of these issues are related to being autistic...?
As far as I know all these issues you have described are related to being autistic and that is ok. When you first find out about your autism there is a lot to unlearn if that makes sense. These feelings of guilt and that you "should be able to cope" are drummed into you so much over the years that they are hard to unlearn. But you need to know you have done amazingly well to get to the stage you have and acheive everything you have achieved in life. Now the most important thing is to take care of yourself and be kind and gentle to yourself. I cant offer you to much practical advice exept to say its worth looking into whether Universal Credit can help you. They have a helpline and if you call it there is usually someone who can talk you through whether you are entitled to something.
As far as food goes, just eat whatever you feel comfortable eating, there is no right or wrong food at a time like this.
Defintley contact the disability at work team if you want to as well as autism is a registered disability and they have a legal requirement to help you
Most of all just know you have done so much better than you think you have and you have a whole forum of people here who are here for you. Dont be too hard on yourself
Thank you so much for your support. I love this forum. You are all so kind and supportive. It feels like we are a big family supporting each other.
It really does, thats how I feel about it too. Sometimes even if people cant help just getting things off your chest and knowing that theres other people on here who actually understand is such a comfort