I need to learn to just walk away. But it’s hard in the moment…

I've been in a similar situation more than once! 

One thing that has helped me is learning that my wife spots my signs of stress before I do.  I would get even more upset because she kept insisting I was stressed when I didn't feel it, but then one day, I looked at the situation logically, noted potential triggers, and realised that she was right.  Lightbulb!!

So now we've talked about this and I listen more when she says there's something wrong. 

Glitter said:

she kept insisting I was stressed when I didn't feel it

Well, this is exactly how it started today. How interesting. I was getting increasingly angry, due to the constant comments about how angry I was. To me, I wasn’t. But perhaps, therefore, this part is true for me also.

Glitter said:

my wife spots my signs of stress before I do

There really might be something to this that I hadn’t considered before. Maybe I was displaying some emotions that hadn’t registered to me yet. I struggle to pick up on/ interpret my feeling in the same way that I struggle to read those of others.

Like you, perhaps I’d be better to listen and ask why she thinks that, rather than finding it accusatory and frustrating.

Thank you for this interesting perspective. Definitely something worth thinking about. I genuinely am interested in handling things better, so perhaps this is one to carefully consider. This has felt like a bit of a potential lightbulb moment for me too.

Glitter said:

she kept insisting I was stressed when I didn't feel it

Well, this is exactly how it started today. How interesting. I was getting increasingly angry, due to the constant comments about how angry I was. To me, I wasn’t. But perhaps, therefore, this part is true for me also.

Glitter said:

my wife spots my signs of stress before I do

There really might be something to this that I hadn’t considered before. Maybe I was displaying some emotions that hadn’t registered to me yet. I struggle to pick up on/ interpret my feeling in the same way that I struggle to read those of others.

Like you, perhaps I’d be better to listen and ask why she thinks that, rather than finding it accusatory and frustrating.

Thank you for this interesting perspective. Definitely something worth thinking about. I genuinely am interested in handling things better, so perhaps this is one to carefully consider. This has felt like a bit of a potential lightbulb moment for me too.

Glitter said:

then logically try to work out if there's anything worrying me like a meeting at work or whatever.

This, I have to do this often with anxiety. It can come from nowhere for seeimngly innocuous reasons. It might just be a small thing like a demand (going to the shops) or an upcoming social event (which is really sitting having a cup of tea with people I know well) or an interruption. Or, not getting reinforcement during an interaction that actually everthing is ok. Once I can get to the nub of the anxiety, and it makes sense, this usually helps but it is often a step by step process.

The bullet points you listed were similar to my shopping experience the other day coupled with the fact that I was also very hungry but my attention had been on buying present so forgot to eat. I've realised hunger can compound factors. I was alone but it's interesting that my partner knows before I do when I am hungry because i can get really snappy (hangry!) but sometimes don't realise. I now know I need to have eaten adequately before I go shopping next time!

Honestly, this whole interaction could be me and my wife! It’s so reassuring to read. I hope you don’t mind me saying that. It’s just nice to read words I could have written myself (if I could have found the words in the first place). I can entirely relate to this instance, including the list of contributing factors that illustrate the levels of direct processing we have to go through in seeming straight forward scenarios. Genuinely, thank you for this.

Glitter said:

it surprises me because I hadn't worked out how I'm feeling yet

I think it’s this surprise that puts me into the adrenaline driven state of fight or flight. But perhaps all it needs to be is surprise, followed by a pause and then, when ready, listening. Great advice and something that I will try to take forwards with me.

Oakling said:

Well, this is exactly how it started today. How interesting. I was getting increasingly angry, due to the constant comments about how angry I was. To me, I wasn’t. But perhaps, therefore, this part is true for me also.

Exactly this!  She'd said it several times that made me get cross.  Then one time, I stopped.  I remember it vividly.  We were in McDonald's, and I was struggling to decide what to eat because food ugh.  And she was making suggestions which didn't help because it was all on the screen in front of me, and I got snappy about it.  And she pointed out that i was snappy.  And I just took a moment and thought- 

• There is music playing but I can't quite make it out
• There are voices talking and it's very busy noise wise
• My wife's suggestions are extra things I have to process 
• The lighting feels weird
• It is getting increasingly hard to make a decision and I did just get snappy
• If I was thinking about any other autistic person in this situation, and seeing them act like this, I would say of course they are stressed 
• Perhaps it is possible that my body is producing stress reactions in response to these stimuli without me "feeling" it emotionally, because alexithymia

I think I then just took a breath and chose any old thing.  

Sometimes my wife will speak to me in the morning and say "you seem a bit down today" and it surprises me because I hadn't worked out how I'm feeling yet, but now I listen and ask why she thinks that, and then logically try to work out if there's anything worrying me like a meeting at work or whatever.

Unknown said:

Good old alexythmia

It seems to rear its head at the most inconvenient moments. But then again, I suppose that’s what makes it an issue in the first place!

Unknown said:

Sounds like your wife knows you better than you do sometimes.

This is probably truer than I realise sometimes to be honest.

And as you say, it is happening a lot less now, so perhaps I shouldn’t dwell too much on this instance. It went wrong, we handled it and have forgiven each other, time to move on. I hope I can do this.

Oakling said:

Maybe I was displaying some emotions that hadn’t registered to me yet.

Good old alexythmia. Sounds like your wife knows you better than you do sometimes. My partner is the same. It's interesting because often I don't notice when the bucket is getting full until it's overflowed. But this year doing christmas shopping, (on an awful day when my clothes were itching and I hadn't dressed approrpriately for the weather or eaten enough, amongst everything else going on) I am now more aware of what possibly adds to the bucket and when it's happening. It's stil hard and it takes practise and I still had a mini-episode but it's not the end of the world.

Also you can't mitigate these situations all the time but it sounds like they are starting to happen less frequenly. Easier said than done but cut yourself some slack when they do happen because sometimes it just cannot be helped. You said you had taken yourself off to the loos but shouldve done this sooner. The fact that you noticed it happening and did something about it to me shows some progress. We can't always get everything right but we try our best.