I need to learn to just walk away. But it’s hard in the moment…

As the title suggests, I had a bit of a meltdown when out shopping with my wife today. I stupidly misplaced my loop earbuds and, due to how stupidly busy today was, it inevitably lead to a complete sensory overload and a bit of a meltdown in a car park. My wife and I argued following this. For me, this is where the communication differences really are apparent. We were speaking the same language, but to very different effects. It wasn’t the greatest for either of us. We have since apologised to one another for our respective mistakes and as always, we’ll be okay. A genuine and mutual apology and hug goes a long way. 

During the argument, I did take myself off to the toilets for a quiet moment and immediately saw the situation a bit differently and was ready to try again. If I had done this sooner though, perhaps all of this could have been avoided. Now I’m left feeling tired, my face is hot and I can’t help but feel let down and cross with myself for not pausing at a more opportune moment. One day I’ll learn, but it looks like today wasn’t it. I’m also feeling a bit frustrated in the communication side of things. We really got our wires crossed. 

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  • I've been in a similar situation more than once! 

    One thing that has helped me is learning that my wife spots my signs of stress before I do.  I would get even more upset because she kept insisting I was stressed when I didn't feel it, but then one day, I looked at the situation logically, noted potential triggers, and realised that she was right.  Lightbulb!!

    So now we've talked about this and I listen more when she says there's something wrong. 

  • she kept insisting I was stressed when I didn't feel it

    Well, this is exactly how it started today. How interesting. I was getting increasingly angry, due to the constant comments about how angry I was. To me, I wasn’t. But perhaps, therefore, this part is true for me also.

    my wife spots my signs of stress before I do

    There really might be something to this that I hadn’t considered before. Maybe I was displaying some emotions that hadn’t registered to me yet. I struggle to pick up on/ interpret my feeling in the same way that I struggle to read those of others.

    Like you, perhaps I’d be better to listen and ask why she thinks that, rather than finding it accusatory and frustrating.

    Thank you for this interesting perspective. Definitely something worth thinking about. I genuinely am interested in handling things better, so perhaps this is one to carefully consider. This has felt like a bit of a potential lightbulb moment for me too.

  • Well, this is exactly how it started today. How interesting. I was getting increasingly angry, due to the constant comments about how angry I was. To me, I wasn’t. But perhaps, therefore, this part is true for me also.

    Exactly this!  She'd said it several times that made me get cross.  Then one time, I stopped.  I remember it vividly.  We were in McDonald's, and I was struggling to decide what to eat because food ugh.  And she was making suggestions which didn't help because it was all on the screen in front of me, and I got snappy about it.  And she pointed out that i was snappy.  And I just took a moment and thought- 

    • There is music playing but I can't quite make it out
    • There are voices talking and it's very busy noise wise
    • My wife's suggestions are extra things I have to process 
    • The lighting feels weird
    • It is getting increasingly hard to make a decision and I did just get snappy
    • If I was thinking about any other autistic person in this situation, and seeing them act like this, I would say of course they are stressed 
    • Perhaps it is possible that my body is producing stress reactions in response to these stimuli without me "feeling" it emotionally, because alexithymia

    I think I then just took a breath and chose any old thing.  

    Sometimes my wife will speak to me in the morning and say "you seem a bit down today" and it surprises me because I hadn't worked out how I'm feeling yet, but now I listen and ask why she thinks that, and then logically try to work out if there's anything worrying me like a meeting at work or whatever.

  • then logically try to work out if there's anything worrying me like a meeting at work or whatever.

    This, I have to do this often with anxiety. It can come from nowhere for seeimngly innocuous reasons. It might just be a small thing like a demand (going to the shops) or an upcoming social event (which is really sitting having a cup of tea with people I know well) or an interruption. Or, not getting reinforcement during an interaction that actually everthing is ok. Once I can get to the nub of the anxiety, and it makes sense, this usually helps but it is often a step by step process.

    The bullet points you listed were similar to my shopping experience the other day coupled with the fact that I was also very hungry but my attention had been on buying present so forgot to eat. I've realised hunger can compound factors. I was alone but it's interesting that my partner knows before I do when I am hungry because i can get really snappy (hangry!) but sometimes don't realise. I now know I need to have eaten adequately before I go shopping next time!

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  • then logically try to work out if there's anything worrying me like a meeting at work or whatever.

    This, I have to do this often with anxiety. It can come from nowhere for seeimngly innocuous reasons. It might just be a small thing like a demand (going to the shops) or an upcoming social event (which is really sitting having a cup of tea with people I know well) or an interruption. Or, not getting reinforcement during an interaction that actually everthing is ok. Once I can get to the nub of the anxiety, and it makes sense, this usually helps but it is often a step by step process.

    The bullet points you listed were similar to my shopping experience the other day coupled with the fact that I was also very hungry but my attention had been on buying present so forgot to eat. I've realised hunger can compound factors. I was alone but it's interesting that my partner knows before I do when I am hungry because i can get really snappy (hangry!) but sometimes don't realise. I now know I need to have eaten adequately before I go shopping next time!

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