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I need to learn to just walk away. But it’s hard in the moment…

Oakling

As the title suggests, I had a bit of a meltdown when out shopping with my wife today. I stupidly misplaced my loop earbuds and, due to how stupidly busy today was, it inevitably lead to a complete sensory overload and a bit of a meltdown in a car park. My wife and I argued following this. For me, this is where the communication differences really are apparent. We were speaking the same language, but to very different effects. It wasn’t the greatest for either of us. We have since apologised to one another for our respective mistakes and as always, we’ll be okay. A genuine and mutual apology and hug goes a long way. 

During the argument, I did take myself off to the toilets for a quiet moment and immediately saw the situation a bit differently and was ready to try again. If I had done this sooner though, perhaps all of this could have been avoided. Now I’m left feeling tired, my face is hot and I can’t help but feel let down and cross with myself for not pausing at a more opportune moment. One day I’ll learn, but it looks like today wasn’t it. I’m also feeling a bit frustrated in the communication side of things. We really got our wires crossed. 

Parents

  • I've been in a similar situation more than once! 

    One thing that has helped me is learning that my wife spots my signs of stress before I do.  I would get even more upset because she kept insisting I was stressed when I didn't feel it, but then one day, I looked at the situation logically, noted potential triggers, and realised that she was right.  Lightbulb!!

    So now we've talked about this and I listen more when she says there's something wrong. 

  • in reply to Glitter
    Glitter said:
    she kept insisting I was stressed when I didn't feel it

    Well, this is exactly how it started today. How interesting. I was getting increasingly angry, due to the constant comments about how angry I was. To me, I wasn’t. But perhaps, therefore, this part is true for me also.

    Glitter said:
    my wife spots my signs of stress before I do

    There really might be something to this that I hadn’t considered before. Maybe I was displaying some emotions that hadn’t registered to me yet. I struggle to pick up on/ interpret my feeling in the same way that I struggle to read those of others.

    Like you, perhaps I’d be better to listen and ask why she thinks that, rather than finding it accusatory and frustrating.

    Thank you for this interesting perspective. Definitely something worth thinking about. I genuinely am interested in handling things better, so perhaps this is one to carefully consider. This has felt like a bit of a potential lightbulb moment for me too.

  • in reply to Oakling
    Oakling said:
    Maybe I was displaying some emotions that hadn’t registered to me yet.

    Good old alexythmia. Sounds like your wife knows you better than you do sometimes. My partner is the same. It's interesting because often I don't notice when the bucket is getting full until it's overflowed. But this year doing christmas shopping, (on an awful day when my clothes were itching and I hadn't dressed approrpriately for the weather or eaten enough, amongst everything else going on) I am now more aware of what possibly adds to the bucket and when it's happening. It's stil hard and it takes practise and I still had a mini-episode but it's not the end of the world.

    Also you can't mitigate these situations all the time but it sounds like they are starting to happen less frequenly. Easier said than done but cut yourself some slack when they do happen because sometimes it just cannot be helped. You said you had taken yourself off to the loos but shouldve done this sooner. The fact that you noticed it happening and did something about it to me shows some progress. We can't always get everything right but we try our best.

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  • in reply to Oakling
    Oakling said:
    Maybe I was displaying some emotions that hadn’t registered to me yet.

    Good old alexythmia. Sounds like your wife knows you better than you do sometimes. My partner is the same. It's interesting because often I don't notice when the bucket is getting full until it's overflowed. But this year doing christmas shopping, (on an awful day when my clothes were itching and I hadn't dressed approrpriately for the weather or eaten enough, amongst everything else going on) I am now more aware of what possibly adds to the bucket and when it's happening. It's stil hard and it takes practise and I still had a mini-episode but it's not the end of the world.

    Also you can't mitigate these situations all the time but it sounds like they are starting to happen less frequenly. Easier said than done but cut yourself some slack when they do happen because sometimes it just cannot be helped. You said you had taken yourself off to the loos but shouldve done this sooner. The fact that you noticed it happening and did something about it to me shows some progress. We can't always get everything right but we try our best.

Children
  • in reply to Deleted User
    Unknown said:
    Good old alexythmia

    It seems to rear its head at the most inconvenient moments. But then again, I suppose that’s what makes it an issue in the first place!

    Unknown said:
    Sounds like your wife knows you better than you do sometimes.

    This is probably truer than I realise sometimes to be honest.

    And as you say, it is happening a lot less now, so perhaps I shouldn’t dwell too much on this instance. It went wrong, we handled it and have forgiven each other, time to move on. I hope I can do this.