Published on 12, July, 2020
I was diagnosed this year with ASD. I was relieved at the time, happy to have finally found out nothing was "wrong" with me, I just operated differently. But here I am now questioning it once again. I should also mention I am AFAB (assigned female at birth) and I identify as non-binary now.
I have a terrible history of debilitating impostor syndrome. I want to list out why I feel I am autistic, and other reasons why I feel I am not. I know this isn't a valid place to be "diagnosed" by anyone other than a professional. I want to make it clear I am not expecting to be diagnosed with anything by anybody here, I am just trying to make sense of things. If anyone could give some insight to point me in the right direction, I'd be very thankful. If not, then solidarity would also be very appreciated.
My autistic traits that have been present before my diagnosis:
* Preferring solitude, not being as interested in others* Sensitive to loud noises. I was always the one in the classroom that would have the largest reaction to noises. I jumped at everything.* I was socially awkward, but in very unique ways. I would hug people a lot without realizing why this was wrong, I'd laugh hysterically at very strange times, and I didn't know how to interact with other people.* I struggled with eye contact. It felt like people were staring into my eyes. I need to look away to "hear" people and effectively communicate.* I find subtext quite rude a lot of the time.* I stim frequently. I may pull my hair, fiddle with my fingers, hand flap, rock back and forth, etc. in order to express myself. It isn't constantly, but usually I am stimming in some way.* I get very easily burnt out after socializing because of expectations and simply being extremely introverted.* Overly "serious" to some folks in the past. Because of this, I was considered mature for my age. I took jokes seriously, I would type very formally by age 11 online, and I wasn't as interested in things my peers were, especially middle and high school.* I don't remember to make small talk. I often skip out on it and like to just share tidbits of random information about random things. (Like about my guinea pigs, repeating how much I love my guinea pigs over and over, having urges to simply speak about things I can understand from my perspective.) Conversations may seem one-sided to favor me or another person.* I have had things that look similar to special interests. Writing was a big one. I was known for writing in middle school and all I did and thought about was writing. I'd sit at my computer typing stories for hours, wrote in journals for fun when I could, and constantly daydreamed about my characters. It was all I wanted to talk about and do.* Masking. I cannot forget about it. I remember as a kid looking at others and mimicking them, especially in school. I didn't really know what to do so I usually let other kids be leaders in the friendship so I could follow them. It wasn't until later in life in middle school where my social difficulties became more apparent.* I don't understand non-autistic's feelings and emotions. I tend to intellectualize my emotions and not actually *feel* them. I will feel something, not know what it is and instead try to philosophize in order to understand and process them. Even down to getting into human emotions and why we even feel them in the first place.* I have an issue with black and white thinking, so unfortunately I am never "in the middle/gray area" for anything. I either do too much of something, or too little. For a period of time, I was practicing mindfulness SO intensely that I was emotionally burning myself out. I was trying so hard to practice empathy consciously with others and practicing compassion that was forced. I just could not understand non-autistics clearly without immense effort.
Non-autistic traits:
* I am not honest, I do still tell white lies with ease and I am not one to enjoy honesty, it often hurts.* I can read body language, tone of voice, facial expressions, etc. I have little to no issue with it. I don't remember if I did as a kid.* I can use my own body language just fine. I have trouble controlling my body language sometimes to the point where everyone can see when I'm upset and it's hard for me to hide it at all.* I still do the social things I'm expected of. Like smiling to be friendly. Many people knew me to be smiley.
Things that make me feel like I cannot decide:
* It just feels like I am both non-autistic and autistic. I find it hard to relate to non-autistic people, but at the same time I feel I would never entirely fit in with autistic people. For example, I can use subtext just fine and be shamelessly direct when need be.* I can read body language, yet I hear most autistic people struggle with this.* I am not blunt or brutally honest, but I will tell things in a way that is deemed polite. For example, I will tell a coworker that he is doing something wrong, but deliver it in a way where I'm not outright saying "You suck at this." straight up.* I find it hard to relate to non-autistic and autistic people. I feel like I am my own category. A black sheep no matter where I turn. Non-autistic people are way too boring, autistic people seem to know their way with each other and I am struggling to even understand if my diagnosis is correct.* I have had pretty much every autistic trait, and when I read the DSM criteria, I qualify and meet the criteria.* I communicate in ways that are expected for autistic folks. I have more of an urge to be honest when I unmask, but when someone does the same thing in turn (answers things honestly and literally, doesn't bother to mimic or express body language, doesn't change tone of voice, etc.) I get offended and upset. Even though I do those things as well???* Masking, again. I do relate to masking autistic folks, where I constantly feel like I am being fake or not being my authentic self when I socialize because I'm thinking what others would want, not myself. I say yes to things I know I have no energy for. I suppress my stims. I force myself to laugh at unfunny things. I force myself to appear interested... all of that.* I am a people-pleaser. This could also be due to masking, but I tend to have urges to please others rather than listen to what I need. I ignore my sensory needs, ignore my feelings and thoughts, and my struggles to please others.* Due to my black and white thinking, I often either think "Yes, I'm autistic" or "No, there's no way I am. It's all made up in my head."* With enough effort, I can communicate and be pretty much what non-autistics are when socializing.* I can hardly remember my childhood. My parents say they didn't notice anything. I know this is common in autistic girls where parents may miss signs.* I am also very introverted. I'm not sure if my extreme introversion actually could look like autism a lot of the time or not.
Again, I just want to make sense of things. I feel like I am always either non-autistic, or just not autistic at all. I love knowing more about myself, and after all of these years of feeling broken socially and as a person, it'd make sense if autism were the correct diagnosis. Everything about this causes a lot of grief and pain. I wish I could know for sure.
I can relate to a lot of what you say although I haven't read everything you posted. Who says you have to fit in with either group? I suppose this is the autistic sense for things to be one or the other. I don't feel I fit in particularly with either but I'm just happy to bob along with anyone who will have me. Autism is a word to explain how your brain works. I'm not overly blunt with people - I can be quite diplomatic but it depends on the people, environment, my mood and stress levels. Regarding body lanuage and facial expressions - I always thought this was something I was good at but now I know I think it's slightly different to neurotypical and often there's lots of cognitive "working out" rather than an intuition. I've been told I'm very good at mirroring. Also it depends who I am with. I think a lot of my friends and people I get along with are actually under the radar neuro-diverse.
When I got my assessment results, it seemed I was just over the threshold by a couple of points. So early on I felt like an imposter and that they might have got it wrong. Autism is measured on behaviour but it can be internal for many people because it's about your cognitive processes. There were things which didn't show during the task (such as some of my thought prcoesses because they didn't specifically ask me so it was kept internal). The assessment was one day in my life. I think autism traits can come and go, chop and change depending on the environment and mental health.
A year since your diagnosis isn't a long time in the grand scheme of things. It takes time to integrate it and understand what it means for you in your life. Also, real imposters don't get imposter syndrome as explained by some comedian on the Russel Howard show: www.youtube.com/watch
We had a group to play Warhammer and other RPGs when I was teenager, and other boys playing used to joke about me:
You're the only specimen of your species, you're going to die alone.
Haha if they only knew how true that is
% agree. This is us in every way. Unexplainable but true.
I think every autistic frequenting the forum would agree with this:
I'm unlike other autistic
KittyBiscuits said: I am a people-pleaser.
Many autistic fawn to fit in as a form of masking
KittyBiscuits said:my black and white thinking
My ex used to say about me that I can only go to extremes. Autistic in general tend to stay away from gray areas, especially in regard to morality
Hi KittyBiscuits,
Goodness, I can feel you agonising over this. But you know, I think you are answering your own question when you mention "impostor syndrome". Have you seen the Purple Ella video on this? I dare say there are others out there by autistic people which might help.
As for the your list of 'non-autistic' and 'undecided' traits, I think you are again answering your own question: "masking". You may well be doing something that looks neurotypical, but how are you doing it? Studying the behaviour and copying? Also, we don't all have every single indicator that exists, we are all affected in different ways to different degrees.
Body language, as a for instance, yeah, I get some of this, even much of it if I focus hard enough. It's not a total body language blindness, for me. I was great at drama at school. There are plenty of autistic actors. They master this. And indeed, it is one of the reasons I would never have thought that I could be autistic. But I do sometimes miss out on the more subtle body language cues others show and the more stressed I am the less I might be taking in because my information processing is consumed trying to take in something else from the environment. And anyway, much of my reading of body language was acquired by explicitly looking for a book on it and studying that. I de-coded it like a language. I thought everyone did, but apparently NTs aren't doing that at all. They sort of just know by some magic means or other. What I am saying here, is there could be all sorts of reasons why these undecided bits are undecided for you. Maybe, your particular profile is less impacted in that area, or maybe you are achieving that thing regardless of your autism, but doing it differently.
If nothing else the detail and analytical approach to your question is itself speaking of autism.