On a knife edge this morning.

Oakling said:

I think adding other layers or private conversations will make it too complex and overwhelming for me. I hope my reasoning makes sense to you.

This makes indefatigable sense to me and I think there is wisdom behind your logic too.

Exercise done. My mind is feeling a little clearer. I need to try and remember this. It’s like a new discovery every time.

Thank you Triker, Starfox, Kate Kestrel and NAS81486 for your thoughtful replies. I did read them yesterday, but ended up going to sleep after crashing a bit. I feel a bit embarrassed for writing such a message. Asking for help does not come naturally and I’m currently going through a stage of regret. But the reality is, I think I needed to read those words yesterday, so if I hadn’t written it, you’d have never had the chance to help as much as you did. Thank you all again. And to everyone who replied to the first message too.

To NAS81486, I apologise, but I can’t take you up on the offer of a private conversation. I understand your desire for privacy, but for me, it has taken a lot to understand how a place like this can work for me and I kind of like how I’m engaging in the community at the moment. I think adding other layers or private conversations will make it too complex and overwhelming for me. I hope my reasoning makes sense to you. I do, however, entirely appreciate the offer. So thank you.

I do wonder this though, since waking up this morning. I have been suppressing meltdowns this week. Not something I’ve ever done before or been able to do. Usually after an outward explosion of melting down (aimed towards myself that is) I have an evening of immense heaviness and disconnection to the world around me. I wonder if it is possible that I have been experiencing a stretched out version of this, due to not ‘getting rid’ of the stuff I would usually when melting down. I have felt that same ‘heaviness’ throughout the week that I would post-meltdown. I don’t know if this is something that makes sense within autism and me, or if I’m simply trying to find an explanation and therefore connecting any dot that are even remotely relevant to one another. I don’t know. If anyone has any thoughts to spare on the matter, I’d gratefully read them.

Thank you all once again. I’m going to try and exercise today and eat a few healthy meals. Perhaps if my body starts to feel better, my mind will too.

Coffee Guy.  Send me a private message so we can exchange some dialogue.  I am a private human who knows much of what you speak of.  Only if you want to, and can.....I will not be offended either way, but would like to help you if I can.

You really don’t need to apologise - most of us have felt similar feelings many times. You’re not alone - this community is always here for you. Sometimes we just need to cry - it’s best to welcome the release of that because if the body needs to cry then it’s doing so for a reason. Let it out - it’s just a natural way for your body to cope and release tension and distress. A better day is usually just around the corner

Hi CoffeeGuy, I don't really know how to reply in cases like these, but thought I would pop on just to say that even if you feel alone you aren't and even if I am rubbish at being able to write anything better than this currently, I hope that this feeling is only short lived and things improve for you soon.

You're not an imposter, it's not your fault you don't understand people who probably don't even realise they don't understand you! You're not alone.

Can you take some time off work? It sounds like you need a break, and if we don't get one sometimes our body or brain forces the issue. If not, then at least make sure you spend your evenings and weekends resting and doing things which recharge you.

Don't apologise for needing help, we all do sometimes, at least here seems like a safe friendly place.

Hello everyone. I’m sorry for this message, but to be honest, I could do with some support in not feeling so alone at the moment.

It turns out the knife-edge moment described in this post was to one of a series that have developed as the week has gone on. Everyday this week has been similar and I have never felt so disconnected to the world around me than I do now. Every social situation I find myself in is a puzzle, like they often are, but they are now impossible. I’m feeling very paranoid about the people around me as a result of the difficulties I’m experiencing in reading them. 

Im so close to melting down every day it seems. Even now as I sit and write this. I just feel so alone right now. In a world full of people, here I am, the imposter who doesn’t quite get it. 

I think the reality is that I am mid burnout, but this one has snuck up on me with no warning. I have never cried this much in my life, but now I can’t seem to stop. Over the smallest thing, off I go. What’s all of that about?

Anyway, as I said before, sorry for this post. I try not to do this sort of thing if I can help it, but I could do with that feeling of community that I get here.

We're all leaning on the positive side of your tipping point and we're holding you tight.  Positivity, community and communion are on your side Coffee Guy.  Sending you positive vibes and support.

Well done for getting through the day. You will get through tomorrow too. Try to do something you enjoy tonight.

So glad you made it through the day. You have been in my thoughts today. I’m glad your meeting is getting nearer. I didn’t unfortunately get as far as work today. Tomorrows another day, hopefully a better one.

Thank you everyone for your messages of understanding and support. I’m very drained but will aim to reply to your thoughtful responses when I have a bit more about me.

I thought it would be unfair to not let you all know that I made it through the day without tipping over. It’s been a tearful and very flat day, the mask slipped a lot. But I did navigate it without a meltdown. Just a few very close calls.

I’m concerned about tomorrow, but will try and put those worries aside, as they are probably not helpful.

Sympathy and solidarity - and sending hopes that your day has improved.

Oakling said:

I have a meeting in a week and a half to discuss adjustments. I just need to make it until then. But I’m at a tipping point right now.

Each breath is a moment closer; you will reach it.

Oh you poor thing. I'm sorry, so sorry you're struggling like this. Hopefully things are a bit better now. You have so much support here, you can do this. I'm sending you hugs x

Well I hope you’ve made it this far without one. Hopefully you only have a few hours left at work and you can give yourself some self care when you get home.

I haven’t had one at work before, but have certainly fought a few off while there.
Today I woke up wanting to howl for no reason, so I’m hoping to keep that in check at work later.  All the best…

Something that helps me when I’m feeling on the edge is a vagal manoeuvre where you ‘bear down’ with your stomach muscles. If you Google ‘Vagal manoeuvre bear down’ you’ll find it. It help to calm people down when they’re feeling overwhelmed. It’s helped me - but I’ve no idea how it works. 

Hi Coffee guy - Sorry to hear today has reach such a point, I have been looking at our resources and have found some information that I usually suggest to parents trying to understand truggers for melt downs in thier children but think it could still be useful for you in managing situations like today:https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour 

Best wishes,

SarahMod

I'm reading this while hiding in a dark cupboard at work.

Take some deep breaths.

You are not alone.

You are finding a way to make your needs heard. A week and a half seems like a  ong time, just take it day by day, moment by moment.