Am I a horrible person?

Wow, that's a brilliant answer! 

I definitely think the 'friend' didn't sound very nice, and that giraffe was best off without them. The way you spotted the lopsidedness was really good. 

I can see how the 'friend' might have taken offence to "B and my lives are in (our new city) now. We had to come back here." - I've read it a few times and the first time I read it i think it said something like "B and me have new lives in this city now" eg and you're not part of it. If you read it properly then it's factual and true but I think it may be easy to misread. 

i didn't really read all you said but I hope you're ok now 

Your "friend" sounds like a *** bag who needs to grow up.  It's one thing swapping a drink but doing it in a jokey way and its another knowing how it'd affect you. Friends don't do that.

I've realised with this friend...I always knew along but now I have found words for it...she's very good at showing sympathy "oh you poor thing" but I don't see meaning in it. It's like people use this in a social way but without any meaning behind it. And I find that disingenuous. 

It seems like her reactions say more about her than you. I never understand why people take things so personally.

Regarding boundaries. You might get a bit of push back at first but I find they foster more respect on the whole if asserted well. Start as you mean to go on.

Yes, how can I help?

Hello can i talk to you 

Please don't apologise – you're not going on about yourself at all, and even if you were, talking things out is what this forum is for, right? I'm glad you've got things off your chest. I'm so sorry you've had to put up with this sort of thing from friends as well. I often find myself placating too - because of the processing time thing, and because I'm scared of the reaction to any boundaries I might set, because so often I've had people (including this 'friend'!) respond by attacking or guilt-tripping. The 'matter is closed' thing - YES! I so often think of what to say later on, but it's too late and you never want to bring things back up.

She did enquire about my health, but she did it in a tone/wording that suggested she was accusing me of lying about having Covid symptoms so I didn't have to see her: 'How are you feeling because you said you had Covid when you didn't come out with me the other day?' She then went straight into all the guilt tripping and how much I'd upset her. She often does enquire about my health on a surface level to prove she's 'such a good friend' who is 'always there' but actually has behaved in ways that show she doesn't really care about my health. There was one time when we were at a barbecue and she swapped my drinks around while I wasn't looking (swapped my nearly-empty glass with a full, very strongly mixed cocktail) so that I had more than I thought and therefore got much drunker than I expected to and felt really unwell. She told me about it later and said it was a 'joke' because I'm 'so funny when I'm drunk'. I was angry about this - it did not sit right with me at all for a number of reasons, I like to know what I've had alcohol-wise and she did it to humiliate me and laugh at my expense like she always does, and besides I thought it was unbelievably childish behaviour on her part (she's a woman in her 30s!) - but felt I couldn't do anything but laugh along. She then goes on saying that she has to be careful with alcohol because she takes medication - so do I, and she knows that, yet she still did that to me.

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. Keep talking it out. We see you. I'm hopeless at applying my own advice to myself, but I think if you have this conscience about whether or not you're a bad person, and are able to say it's something you worry about, then you probably aren't a bad person at all. Truly horrible people usually can't admit their faults to themselves or anyone. You're just a neurodivergent person trying to get by in this NT world that doesn't understand or make many allowances for us.

I'm so sorry, I'm a little confused as to what you mean? Could you please clarify? 

One of my old sayings - " It is not what is said that matters, but rather what is heard " - I didn't mean it like that . . . 


Guilt to me is 'empty calories' -  A manipulative tool, what good is it? - I will stop that, right there.

It's honesty

They can't take it even in moderation

Thank you, that's very reassuring.

Thank you so much - that's very true about her coming to see me. She says she's too anxious (I was too anxious that night to go out and see her – as well as having Covid symptoms – and yet apparently that's what's hurt her; surely she should have understood, as I'm understanding of her not feeling up to coming to visit?). She uses her anxiety as a bit of a weapon and if you try and politely and calmly pull her up on anything she hyperventilates and turns it around on you, accusing you of 'ganging up' and 'causing her distress' and that she 'is so bad at standing up for herself' (all she ever does is 'stand up for herself' and talk about herself). She definitely has her own issues – as do I; I have chronic anxiety and other mental health issues – but whilst saying ignorant things about Autism and my body may be borne out of her own insecurities, as in she has to make me feel bad in order to feel OK about herself, that is not a symptom of anxiety that I should have to accommodate.

Thank you for your very wise words. I agree entirely.

I've been wanting to start a thread with that exact title for quite a while now... 

I have come to the inescapable conclusion that I am, and always have been, an unpleasant person.

Which is probably of no help whatsoever to the O/P, of course.

The trouble is, I cannot quite understand why. I've put a lot of effort into not being horrible, not taking offence, not getting my own back when wronged etc, and being generally helpful whenever I can.

But I have, I believe, based on the external evidence available to me, (and occasionally I've been directly informed by authority figures) a "bad attitude".

Even when I am on my best behaviour and trying my utmost to be a co-operative and productive human being, I'm still unpopular, at the end of every queue when the "goodies" are being handed out, etc. And the moment I transgress, ostracism comes. As a young person I manged this by having literally over 100 "friends" and I developed a sensitivity for when they were starting to have "had enough of me", and I'd give those people a wide berth for a while, then they'd be pleased to see me again.

Essentially it comes down to I seem to have very little of what people want, and even when I do, they'd rather take it from someone else...

Cue the theme tune to "that's life"... 

As far as I'm concerned you've done nothing wrong and I can't understand you saying anything wrong when you said you live in the new place. People can take things the wrong way and give an emotional response and they take things personally. You have given her the benefit of the doubt time and time again and been very patient by the sounds of things.

If you're anything like me, friends are hard to come by so I cherish mine but they need to add something to your life,  not make you feel like ***. A one off is ok but not all the time.

Giraffe said:

I wish I'd been more honest with her before,

This is me. I try and be straight up with people but it often takes processing time so I end up placating. I was really frustrated too recently with a friend that this happened. As far as she is concerned she's done nothing wrong and I ended up apologising for something which wasn't on me. But the matter was "closed" so I couldn't bring it up again. I don't think I'll see her again but she showed the value she puts on our friendship and I've realised how one sided it was. She's the only friend I haven't come out to and was in two minds about it because she's quite snobby anyway and wants her friends to reflect well on her.

There's this thing with autistic people that their friends can suddenly stop talking to them for no reason. This has been few and far between but when it has happened,  as far as I can see I've done nothing wrong. It's hard because we have to play by the rules that no one follows and its all a bit confusing so sometimes we do need reassurance because we can't intuitively tell.

On the day you talk about, you didn't mention your friend enquired about your health. This was a similar circumstance to mine above. She was annoyed that I'd cancelled (fair enough) and I don't expect anyone to ask if I'm ok but the fact she didn't, then had a go at me for being ill said it all. 

Sorry I've gone on a bit about myself towards the end of the post but I've needed to get it off my chest.

In conclusion, your friends should make you feel positive. 

I agree with the other commenters that it doesn't sound like you've done anything wrong. Some people just seem to look for opportunities to get angry.

I think I agree with your wife, you’ve moved away but this “friend” is still getting to you which is probably exactly what she wants as she has a history of making horrible comments and trying to turn it around on you when you called her out. I would’ve thought if she was that bothered that she couldn’t see you during your visit she would arrange to come and see you? My best friend moved to Blackpool from Kent and I managed to visit her within a few months of her move whilst working full time

Gosh there's a lot here which is unresolved matter and beyond one's control.

I've had similar experiences and accept that unresolved things will keep haunting me to some degree or another. Best to keep journaling about it. We can be taken advantage of and often as we appear to NTs as a type of weakness which is actually a strength. And here I mean there is a type of vulnerability which is required for taking accurate readings, If we learn to shield this properly and become comfortable in our selves it becomes a type of strength and maturity.

However, we all have a limit. And it sounds as though you gave her enough chances to be messy and human, judgmental and rude, which she, didn't afford you. So that's a bit lopsided.

Arrogance PLUS ignorance is not a great combination. I notice it at a subconscious level until suddenly it's a bit of an iceberg and then I might snap. It also sounds like she demands an apology and then refuses to accept it which is a domineering tactic, creating a "double bind" and not really a measure of humility and graciousness... 

No one is perfect, but friendships require effort. They require a bit of selflessness and humility. Work out what you feel is important for you in a friendship. And whats maybe acceptable for an acquaintance and then what your limited time on earth can't make room for. While humans are worth-while, certain roles carry certain responsibilities. One should expect a particular set of standards from friends and if they're not met, it's not exactly my fault as it's a two way system. We can all work to invest in only so much. 

While the interaction could always be a little more considerate on both ends, perhaps it stopped on yours finally because something inside of you realised you were making far more of an effort and suddenly just... couldn't. Sometimes others will be offended no matter what and need to grow and you've now done them a bit of a service by expressing a boundary regardless of how mature you were in the moment. You may have a chance in the future to express you could've handled it better but for now, I might enjoy the breathing room and wait a few years. Learn what you can and allow life its course.