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Am I a horrible person?

Giraffe

Hi everyone,

I know I haven't posted in a while; it's been hectic as my wife and I have moved across the country. I hope everyone is doing OK. There's been something playing on my mind for quite a few months now and I wanted to talk about it.

Up until about five months ago, I had a very toxic friend. She never thought she was doing anything wrong and I never spoke up for myself (apart from on one occasion which ended badly), but she had this superiority thing as far as I was concerned and said very hurtful things about Autism. She'd also make this veiled judgemental comments about my body and seeing as I've suffered on and off from anorexia since my teens (although my anorexia isn't particularly body image-connected) this was very difficult. I actually posted about her some time ago – the gist of this post was that she invited my wife (I'm a woman too; my wife and I are gay) and me for dinner and said some very insensitive things about Autism and when my wife and I politely confronted her about it she lost her s*** and told us we were 'making things about us' when she was having 'such a horrible time at work with her horrible probably-Autistic boss).

I tried not to speak to her for a while after that – even putting the phone down on her when we spoke on the phone after the dinner party incident, but then she started being really nice and seemingly making an effort to not say such daft things (although she was still condescending and annoying in lots of ways and my wife B didn't want any more to do with her but I tried my hardest to give her the benefit of the doubt). B and I actually moved away for a fresh start – B works remotely and I'd been struggling for a while at my school during my ill health and now I'm a lot stronger in myself physically and mentally we decided to make a go of things elsewhere, somewhere we've actually always dreamt of living. We visited our old city a few months back and I had plans to see this friend, however on the day I was meant to see her, I wasn't well enough. We came back here and my friend messaged asking if we could reschedule. I said we were now back in our new city, and this friend said, 'Oh, I thought you'd be here for longer. I wanted to see you.' Then I managed to really offend her by saying something I thought was innocuous and explanatory - I said, 'B and my lives are in (our new city) now. We had to come back here.' That is literally all I said. My friend then proceeded to tell me how much I'd upset her saying this, that she can 'understand that we live here' but she's 'still one of my friends' and 'would like to see me occasionally'. I offered to phone to apologise and talk it over (although to tell you the truth I wasn't quite sure exactly what I was apologising for) but she declined. We haven't spoken since, and it's been months.

Whilst to be honest I'm really glad she's out of my life, because she hurt me a lot, I'm also very upset that I upset someone. It's made me feel even more self--conscious about my diagnosis, I feel like I must be being very Autistic to not know why what I've said is so hurtful. I'm worried that I really do lack empathy - although whenever I discuss that with anyone, they said that's the opposite of the truth and that I'm actually over empathetic. My other difficult feeling is that I wish I'd been more honest with her before, I wish I'd pulled her up every time she said anything hurtful. She just thinks I've ditched her out of the blue and I feel guilty about that. And I hate the idea she might be talking badly of B and me to our mutual friends and acquaintances. 

I would really appreciate some other perspectives on this. Please be honest - have I done anything wrong here? B doesn't think so and is sick of me worrying about it, but being me I'm overthinking and not convinced!

Parents

  • Gosh there's a lot here which is unresolved matter and beyond one's control.

    I've had similar experiences and accept that unresolved things will keep haunting me to some degree or another. Best to keep journaling about it. We can be taken advantage of and often as we appear to NTs as a type of weakness which is actually a strength. And here I mean there is a type of vulnerability which is required for taking accurate readings, If we learn to shield this properly and become comfortable in our selves it becomes a type of strength and maturity.

    However, we all have a limit. And it sounds as though you gave her enough chances to be messy and human, judgmental and rude, which she, didn't afford you. So that's a bit lopsided.

    Arrogance PLUS ignorance is not a great combination. I notice it at a subconscious level until suddenly it's a bit of an iceberg and then I might snap. It also sounds like she demands an apology and then refuses to accept it which is a domineering tactic, creating a "double bind" and not really a measure of humility and graciousness... 

    No one is perfect, but friendships require effort. They require a bit of selflessness and humility. Work out what you feel is important for you in a friendship. And whats maybe acceptable for an acquaintance and then what your limited time on earth can't make room for. While humans are worth-while, certain roles carry certain responsibilities. One should expect a particular set of standards from friends and if they're not met, it's not exactly my fault as it's a two way system. We can all work to invest in only so much. 

    While the interaction could always be a little more considerate on both ends, perhaps it stopped on yours finally because something inside of you realised you were making far more of an effort and suddenly just... couldn't. Sometimes others will be offended no matter what and need to grow and you've now done them a bit of a service by expressing a boundary regardless of how mature you were in the moment. You may have a chance in the future to express you could've handled it better but for now, I might enjoy the breathing room and wait a few years. Learn what you can and allow life its course. 

Reply

  • Gosh there's a lot here which is unresolved matter and beyond one's control.

    I've had similar experiences and accept that unresolved things will keep haunting me to some degree or another. Best to keep journaling about it. We can be taken advantage of and often as we appear to NTs as a type of weakness which is actually a strength. And here I mean there is a type of vulnerability which is required for taking accurate readings, If we learn to shield this properly and become comfortable in our selves it becomes a type of strength and maturity.

    However, we all have a limit. And it sounds as though you gave her enough chances to be messy and human, judgmental and rude, which she, didn't afford you. So that's a bit lopsided.

    Arrogance PLUS ignorance is not a great combination. I notice it at a subconscious level until suddenly it's a bit of an iceberg and then I might snap. It also sounds like she demands an apology and then refuses to accept it which is a domineering tactic, creating a "double bind" and not really a measure of humility and graciousness... 

    No one is perfect, but friendships require effort. They require a bit of selflessness and humility. Work out what you feel is important for you in a friendship. And whats maybe acceptable for an acquaintance and then what your limited time on earth can't make room for. While humans are worth-while, certain roles carry certain responsibilities. One should expect a particular set of standards from friends and if they're not met, it's not exactly my fault as it's a two way system. We can all work to invest in only so much. 

    While the interaction could always be a little more considerate on both ends, perhaps it stopped on yours finally because something inside of you realised you were making far more of an effort and suddenly just... couldn't. Sometimes others will be offended no matter what and need to grow and you've now done them a bit of a service by expressing a boundary regardless of how mature you were in the moment. You may have a chance in the future to express you could've handled it better but for now, I might enjoy the breathing room and wait a few years. Learn what you can and allow life its course. 

Children